Dropped off H today so he can go to his month-long school. Lots of mixed feelings here. On the one hand I am sad to send him off again. I'm so sick of it. Half my marriage has been spent separated from him anyway.
And that is why I also feel some relief. I am more used to coping all by myself, so having him gone is normal. Having pretty much no help is a royal pain, but at least I know what to expect.
And I can re-read DB and plan my strategy moving forward. The only electronic device he was allowed to take was his phone. So he can call her, but no IMing all night or FB postings for a whole month. Maybe she'll "cheat" on him and move on in that time. Probably wishful thinking, but hey, a girl can dream right?
I won't call him. I didn't even really tell him goodbye. He hugged the boys and then we had to leave while he was loading up his gear because S4 had a bathroom situation. At least it saved us from an awkward public situation. People would have found it strange if there was no affection (there hasn't been pretty much since he went to school in June) between us. Hopefully he will want to talk to us, but whether he does or not is pretty much irrelevant. The boys and I have to get used to being on our own for awhile...again.
I would love a new tattoo, and my H would have an absolute fit if I wasted money on one. Speaking of money, he finally brought up his cryptic comment about the tax money. it wasn't what I feared, but he is an idiot anyway. He wants to buy a new rifle that costs $1,600. OK, #1 we don't need it, #2 I am not allowed to reside in a home with guns (from the going to jail thing before; check out my original thread for details). So he will have to store it at the gun club. But seriously, what a waste of money all around.
Yes, he is still in daily contact with her. Idiot has a separate ringtone for her on his phone and it's so obvious when she calls and texts. He doesn't answer, but I can see it on his face. Plus he answers anyone else.
I am sending the OW this e-mail today:
You may have noticed me as one of the Facebook friends H has. I see that you consider him very special and that the two of you are romantically involved. He came to see you in Virginia, after all.
Are you aware that he is married and has been for going on six years? His, or should I say our, anniversary is June 26th. We have three sons, ages 4, 2, and 1. H is my husband. We are not separated, divorced, or even sleeping apart regardless of what he may have told you.
He says you know all this. But I thought that you at least deserve the benefit of a doubt. If you did not know, then I bear you no ill will. If you did know, well I’m sure he’s told you about my many failings and I’m in no position to judge your choices. But he is my husband. And your relationship with him while he is still married is not only inappropriate, it could cost him his job and land him in jail.
I'm also sending her parents a similar letter in the mail. It may do nothing but irritate my H, but I will feel I am taking proactive steps. She'll even be likely to tell him about my e-mail tonight. If he calls to confront me I am not answering his calls tonight. And if he gets mad in the next couple days I will just validate his feelings and assert my right to inform and expose this A for what it is. If he is ashamed to have his actions known, maybe he should think about why.
This month my goals are:
1. lose 10 pounds. Nothing like a sexy wife waiting when you get home to make you think.
2. Finish unpacking and organizing the house.
3. Get some pictures of my new home (both the house and the surrounding scenery) to show my family and friends.
Wish me luck!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
OMG, I really sent her the message. And now I may need anti-anxiety meds. Yikes. I think it was the right choice but it's still scary. Because I just left the comfortable rut and took a step into the unknown.
I hope this does not blow up in my face...
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
She responded rather promptly. And initially she asked what my H would say if she sent him a copy. I responded (maybe I shouldn't have) that he would probably stick to whatever story he already told her, and that what he says to me is irrelevant. I wanted to be sure she knew and now she does. She responded once more that she had known all along and that she will support him in whatever choices he makes about his life and love.
Until she e-mailed back I seriously wondered if I was going to throw up. I hate not knowing what is happening or what will happen. The devil I know and all that. But once I said it to her it was easier to believe - what he thinks of me contacting her is totally inconsequential, and so is she. He should be ashamed of what he is doing to our family, and if he doesn't want people to know then too bad. I'm not going to tell everyone I can think of, but neither am I going to wallow in loneliness while he gets to have his fun.
So now it's time to hook up my printer and send off the letter to her parents. I know in advance that they may not care, but IMO they do deserve to know what kind of man is involved with their daughter. And he should know that I will expose him to whatever extent I deem necessary.
I am contacting Army One Source in the next few weeks. Like blue said they offer counseling services and can get me in touch with a lawyer. I will write up as many questions for him or her as I can think of (do tell me if there's anything you think I should ask!). I will emphasize that I don't want to divorce my H, but that I simply want to know my rights and options.
I also want to speak with his commander, unofficially if possible. I want to know what they will do to him if I take this further, and if the no contact order they would slap on him would also cost him rank. He is about to be promoted to Sgt. and we could use the extra money. But if they promote him just to demote him again we can still live on this pay. And it would be an ironic slap in the face - "Here's your new rank, congratulations. Oh, and by the way, you totally screwed up so now we're busting you back down. And knock it off or this only gets worse."
So I am calmer now. And rational/logical. Going to start reading DB again after the kiddos go to bed. And I got six more boxes emptied and their contents put away (or at least in the right rooms) since my earlier post. Yay for getting things done!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Hey Undefeated. Thanks for dropping by my thread. How are you feeling today? That must have been quite a roller coaster confronting the OW and all.
How is all the outting of your husband going? Did you speak to his CO? What did they say?
I am really on your side on this one but do you think that getting the CO involved is good or bad? When in combat weird things happen to people in battle. But having said that, he probably deserves what he gets.
Now you are both at the same level and ready to go forward right? What else is there to do?
I am doing well. It is easier really, not having him here every day. I relax and don't think so much about his current issues. It was a bit daunting taking the step to call her out. And now I know - she is no innocent misled woman. Since she knew all along, I feel no guilt in what she may suffer as a result of my DBing efforts. I don't intend to go after her, but I do hope she gets hurt. I know, petty and low, but there it is.
I have not spoken to his chain of command yet. I am worried b/c one of my other Army wife friends said there is no such thing as "off the record" with them. As for what happens in Theater, I can't even begin to imagine what it does to them. But that is a separate situation as far as I am concerned. I will be happy to do what I can to help him with his PTSD, but I am not really his wife as long as OW is in the picture.
I've actually thought about writing him a letter and leaving it for him to read while I'm in Las Vegas. It would outline boundaries and what I expect as long as we are living together. I will most likely now hear about my cowardice again. Bring on the 2x4's...I can take it. Yes, I should say it to his face. But I think about the cold, closed look on his face whenever I say anything he doesn't feel like hearing. And I clam up before I ever open my mouth. So I thought that at least a letter would make my position clear. What does everyone think?
No we are not at the same level until she is gone and he wants to work on our marriage. But at that point at least we will have common ground to work from.
What else is there to do? Make myself happy. GAL, lose some weight, smile at the woman in the mirror, and get my business moving again. Anybody want to tell me how to meet women in this area without resorting to Myspace? I have about two at the moment who I've even spoken to...in three weeks. Bleh. I forgot how hard it is to meet people.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Thanks WhatNow. I knew there were probably people from AZ on this forum, but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to ask them to be friends in the real world.
I'm doing well on exercising and watching what I eat. And I got out and ran errands today. H is calling me every night, which is really weird for him. I can't remember the last time he did that. And I think he's beginning to get irritated because every time he calls I get off within minutes because I am busy. Only once has that been a stretch of the truth, but still...am I supposed to be annoying him? I thought it was just supposed to make him wonder why I wasn't waiting around for him to call.
Re-reading DB in my "spare time." Yeah right...more like I ignore a couple chores here and there so I can get some reading in. Oh well, the world will not end if the kitchen is messy for one more evening.
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental To reach out to another is to risk involvement, To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss To love is to risk not being loved in return, To hope is to risk despair, To try is to risk to failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live. Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom. Only a person who risks is free. ~Unknown
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I do not know if you should be "annoying" him or even if that is considered "annoying"!
Google "MOMS club AZ". They offer playgroups and other activities. I made great friends there. (We still meet for coffee every week even tho our babies are in H.S.!) Also, try the local libraries story times for toddlers. I know Phoenix and Sdale's offer these. Lots of moms with little ones, looking to get out. Desert Ridge has a stroller workout and Paradise Valley Mall has a walking club (and a cute indoor playground for toddlers). Just a few ideas to get you started. I remember how hard it was to GAL with 3 tots in tow!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Thanks, WhatNow. Signed up for MOMS club and waiting to be approved. All the ideas were great! And I met another mom last night at McDonald's - the indoor play place is very popular on rainy days.
I've been doing so well these last few days...until last night. There were a number of factors involved in me falling to little pieces, and I know sometimes we just have bad nights, but it was still lousy. Went and got prints of some pictures of the boys for our walls. While I was doing that I also got prints of the pictures I'll need if I go to my H's chain of command. So that was not my happiest moment of the evening. And my H didn't call last night. I have been really happy that he had started calling every night. And I was using my Db techniques - polite and friendly, but not lingering; ending the conversation myself; having "things to do." But as I lay in bed last night I wondered if these phone calls have been his way of reaching out to me and he feels snubbed when I don't want to talk. On top of the other small stressors I haven't been sleeping well.
So last night was tearful and miserable and today I feel like a puffy-eyed zombie. The worst part is, when I cry and don't get much sleep I am completely useless the next day...and children do not care.
But today is another day, even if it is a zombie day. And if he calls tonight I will not let on that I was sad he didn't last night.
I often feel like my H is much better at all of this than I am. And that is worrisome too, I guess. Everything we do as DBers is to move forward with our lives, proving to our spouse that we will be happy with or without them. I'm sometimes afraid that my H really has moved forward and is quite content to be happy without me; no more interest in being happy with me. I know, it's not over 'til it's over. Like I said, rough night...
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Yay for getting things done!