My H is a soldier. We are both 24 and have 3 DS's - ages 4, 2 1/2, and 1 1/2.
In 2006 I had an EA/PA with another soldier. My H fought to keep me, and things seemed to be getting better.
He has been deployed twice in the last three years and also just spent 6 months in a school in GA. While in GA he met a woman from VA and began a PA (most likely EA too) with her in late August or early September.
When he got to NE where I was staying with my parents at the end of November I confronted him about his distant behavior and he admitted the A. At that point he said he intends to D me (though never specified when).
We moved to AZ - his new duty base - about three weeks ago. OW is still in VA and he is in contact with her every day. We live together but may as well be perfect strangers.
I have sufficient evidence to prove the A, but am trying to hold off going to his chain of command as a last resort. I am a SAHM and dependent upon his income.
I think those are the key points in a nutshell.
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So I still seem to be on the most hateful of roller coasters - good day/bad day, good morning/bad evening, etc. I feel like this is my own bad karma I have to work through before I can move toward a brighter future.
Some days I am very optimistic that I can save my marriage and make it stronger than it ever was before. And then other days I feel like I lost this battle three years ago.
My H said as much when he dropped the bomb (though I was expecting it anyway). He told me he doesn't love me and hasn't for some time now. He says he kept me around to take care of the kids, and that he only fought to keep me after my A so the ex OM couldn't have me.
I know to believe none of what he says, but it still hurts. And today is a low day. He said something that worries me. As he got ready to leave for work I mentioned that I would be filing our income tax return in the next couple days. He got very serious and said, "We need to discuss how we intend to spend that money." I am overreacting and very much jumping the gun. He has said nothing about a D in almost two months. But my mind immediately took the worst path possible.
Also, I went on my military account this afternoon trying to look him up and get his call roster. I need information on his chain of command because he is going to school again for a month in TX. He leaves Sunday and I have no contact numbers. This concerns me greatly. His chain of command is my best way to protect myself should he start involving lawyers. If I expose his A to his commanders they are required to take disciplinary action. Again, I feel like this is cutting off my nose to spite my face. But I need the info in case it becomes necessary. As long as he keeps me out of the loop and pretty effectively trapped at home with my children (not easy to job hunt with toddlers in tow) he can isolate me from resources I could use to defend myself.
I am working on being calm so I can present that face to him when he gets home. I will smile when he walks in the door and act as though nothing is wrong. And maybe nothing is.
He is provoking me again! And even though I am shaking on the inside, he is not going to be allowed to see it.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Undefeated, you two are awfully young, and your kids are babies (3 of them!!!). I think I would just worry about making sure those kids have some kind of normalcy and stability right now. Both of you having affairs, within five years of marriage and three kids!? Wow. Focus on the little ones.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
undefeated. I know how you feel. I know how you feel. I know how you feel.
It feels like everything is lost. It feels like my stomach is wrenching everday.
What do you want?
Are you happy with yourself? I am not. I need to learn to be happy with myself first.
But the kids. Look at them. Do they bring you joy? Are they a ray of light in an otherwise dark universe? Ask yourself the tough questions. You know the ones im talking about. Yeah, the ones you never go near.
Confront your anger. You will need to keep in check to be sane. I know...i been there, am there.
More importantly, talk to an IC. Hardest thing to do, if you don't think you are broken.
LOL, yes we are very young, but we have both seen a lot of life by this point. It makes me optimistic that when we finally get through this, we will have faced some of the hardest, worst things any marriage can go through. I would much rather fight hard now, even if I may lose. And I'm not saying we won't have troubles down the road. But when we look back on what we've worked through here, I don't see how anything could possibly beat us.
And yes, I have also accepted that I may not get my husband back. But I try not to let that get to me. I want my marriage, but this entire experience has reminded me of something important. My life did not begin the day I got married, and it will not end even if my marriage does. I am my own person with my own hopes, dreams, goals, and happiness.
Focus on the little ones? That's all I seem to have done for most of five years. I love my military life, but I do get sick of being a single parent so often. And it is about to happen again. After training in TX through the month of February my H intends to apply for Special Forces. That's 5 weeks of individual training in his time off, then a 21 day qualifying period in the field, then if he's accepted into SF he goes to 5 more schools (at least) with each one lasting about a month.
I did manage to smile and be calm when my H got home from work last night. We haven't talked about the money as he wanted to yet, and I'm not bringing it up right now. I am trying to prepare myself for anything he might say during that cheerful little discussion. That way, no matter what he says to me I will be calm and respond logically instead of emotionally.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Oh, And yes I am looking for a new IC. Thankfully my IC in Nebraska got me to a pretty good place before I moved to AZ so I'm not desperate until I find one here I like. I have to find someone pro-marriage and preferably SBT trained.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
This is my support group for now. I hate group therapy in real life (did it once for another situation). This forum is my outlet and my balm. And it is very effective.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Hi, undefeated, what DB techniques are you putting into place? What self improvement have you done so far?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I have in the past been a very critical wife. So now I have learned (am still learning) to just let some things go. I have discovered that the world does not stop spinning if the dishwasher is not loaded my way or the kids do't go through their evening routine entirely and/or in the right order.
I have been losing weight since August when we began having very serious problems (even though he didn't drop the bomb until November). I am down by about 25 pounds since then. Another 35 and I will be at the same weight as when I got married 6 years ago.
I quit smoking on December 12th, so almost 2 months.
I am trying to do more 180's - smiling whenever he walks in the door and not nagging him. (Although he did promise to move the boxes to the garage three days ago!) I'm also trying to learn to play with my children, which is a big deal to him. I show genuine interest in my H's ideas and just lighten up overall.
I have been trying to GAL. Finding that more difficult here in this new place. I did finally get the call roster, so I have that off my mind. I also told him (not asked!) that I am taking a four day trip to Las Vegas after he gets back at the end of February. I work as an independent consultant for an adult novelties company based out of Vegas and that is our National convention. He has not allowed me to go in the last two years, saying that there are better ways to spend our money. However, my business made money last year, and I have stayed with our children and parented them alone for a very long time. I have earned a vacation. Surprisingly he didn't say much; seems to agree about me needing a vacation actually.
I don't know where it falls in, but I have also stopped pampering him. I don't serve him at meal times, which was really weird at first. We also don't wait dinner on him. I tell everyone when it's ready and whenever he gets to the table he can eat. I make coffee in the morning for both of us but I don't pour him a cup. I don't wash his clothes, and when he leaves stuff laying around I don't pick up after him. If I can't stand the mess I make piles of his stuff where he will find it harder to ignore (ie - in front of his computer screen).
I don't tell him where I'm going or when all the time. I don't go out by myself except to the grocery store or Walmart, but even when I'm with the kids I don't always apprise him of our plans. I figure if he wants to know where I am he knows how to operate a cell phone. And when I do tell him the things I am taking the kids to do, it is always something they will have a lot of fun doing. But it's not an invitation. Again, if he wants to go he can carve out time for us.
I guess overall I'm, learning to relax and enjoy my own life as independent of him and my children. I'm remembering that there is more to me than the titles of mom and wife. My H and I are civil and even friendly most of the time. I don't mention the OW and I don't confide in him. It is strange, living with a man who is more like a roommate than my husband.
Oh, and I do occasionally throw in acts of random kindness for him. But I don't lavish all my attention on him. And while I smile and am friendly with him, I do not say ILY or engage in casual physical contact. That's really hard for me, but I'm doing it anyway.
Today will be a good day.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Hi Undefeated. I love that you work for an adult novelties company! Thats awesome! I have thought about doing that too, just never got started I suppose.
Im so glad that you still arent smoking! You should save the $ that you would have spent on cigarettes and use it to get a new tattoo in vegas! Do you have friends that will be there when you go?
Do you know if he is still talking to her? I like what you have been doing about not serving him, or keeping him updated on your whereabouts constantly. I think that we all need to learn to relax, to not sweat the small stuff, and I think that this in particular will do you a world of good.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
We haven't talked about the money as he wanted to yet, and I'm not bringing it up right now. I am trying to prepare myself for anything he might say during 
I have thought about doing that too, just never got started I suppose.