I'm not sure what to say, but I am so incredibly happy to read this post today. I'm very proud of you and know you are moving in the right direction despite going through Hell! (you love Churchill, remember, so don't forget his take on going through Hell, my boy).
I'll be back tomorrow w/more (and maybe even something about me), but for now, I'm just extremely glad to hear you are up, out, and moving. The therapy sessions and the travel to and from is just what the doctor ordered (literally and figuratively).
See, I told you a little exercise would shake you up in the right way, didn't I???
Wow, SPM, you went from "baby steps" to leaping to the moon! Excellent!
You sound so good and very positive -- it makes a world of difference having even a little focus or direction. You're on your path now -- keep up the fantastic strides.
Getting outside is definitely a baby step. I used to be an executive, with a job, a house, and a stable, sane life. I paid my bills on time, I had goals and motivation. I saved for college, my kids were well cared for and I saw them every day. I had a reasonable expectation that I would be treated with fairness in pretty much all serious matters.
I don't have any of that now. Right now my main accomplishments are:
I've been able to go outside.
I communicate with my kids, when I can.
I've been shopping, and I got a haircut.
That's worth celebrating, and those are good first steps. But they are definitely not leaping over the moon.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
SirPrizeMe, Very interesting. I have experienced something similar to this on the other end. My father attempted suicide (well threatened with a gun) and was hospitalized in a psych ward for quite a while.
He had lost his job, became depressed, parents fought wildly for years, mother tossed him out of the house, very ugly spirited D, and he was homeless (sleeping at the Y or his van) with no real friends and all his family far away.
Honestly, it was pretty horrible. It was a mixture of wanting him to be away from my sister and I (too upsetting) and wanting to spend time with him. I sincerely wanted him to move back to NYC b/c I felt he would have been happier there. Back by his family and lots of job opportunities. At that point it wasn't even about seeing my dad anymore. Him getting out of his depression was more important.
The weight of his life was always on us. "I would not be alive right now if I did not have my girls." He said that often and mentioned how he has no reason to life- to US!, his daughters. I was his sounding board all the time (I also was my mom's sounding board, esp. when my sister was hospitalized for 2 years for suicidal thoughts/depression).
Despite refusing therapy after hospitalization- which he so very clearly needed. He irked out his life, slowly started to build back up, leaned on me for emotional support way too much, to be honest. I would occasionally send him money that I earned at McDonalds as a teenager. He always took it. But things changed. Slowly, so very slowly. He learned to live again.
It was a hard life- two heart attacks post D didn't help him but he slowly found friends, got a job, lived pretty poorly but accepted it. Eventually had to go on disability.
I must say the year that he died he was the happiest he had been in years. He moved to where my sister and I now live and loved being in a more urban area. He made even more friends. But mostly- he was extremely happy for his first grandson soon to be born.
I am glad to see that his life turned around so that he was happier. I would say that having a depressed, suicidal parent is a HORRIBLE burden for a child to bear. So I am very, very happy to see that you are working on yourself.
You kids will always love you- that's a given. Thank you for not giving up on yourself!
Very odd- I always think I am a cr@ppy advice giver, but....
I really like the Haiti idea. People might be scared that being surrounded by so much sadness and misery may make it harder on you. I think it would bring you back to life again. Helping others is the best way to feel good about yourself again. IMHO
I know that when I was a nurse I was really kind and supportive to people- I think it really changed me for the better. To see suffering and frailty really makes you appreciate your own life and what you've got.
Finally, I have had some horrible periods in life (yeah, I've been a shut-in b4, for about a year, anxiety/depression). Enough to know that it can turn around. If I hit a rough patch I now know that this is not going to be the way the rest of my life is. It just will not be. I am certain of this now. Just my thoughts...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
