I'm Baaaaaaaack!

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey everybody, I'm back.
Shout out to RTL, KerryK, FIB, Donna, and the rest who's stories I may know.

I've read a little about how you all are doing and I'm glad to hear things are ok with you. I'm especially glad to see that you all are still helping each other out; it's nice to see people continue those supportive relationships.

I'm not thriving; actually I'm in a pit and I can't get out. I think my divorce was final about a year ago. I lost custody, got the 4-days a month thing that is "standard" for men. Ex accused me of abuse, distorted my earnings, characterized me as dangerous, basically a hit job. I was so hopeful in December 08, when we were actually negotiating a settlement. We were so close. Then she refused, we went to court, and I lost. badly. I had let my attorney go, because I had run out of money. In court she asserted that this was a stalling tactic of mine, and I got saddled with her attorney's fees as well. $50,000.

The house was a casualty of the custody battle. We had moved 1 yr prior to her filing, to a house that had a mortgage 2x the prior house. When she filed we were (I was) still paying for the unsold previous house. So that was 3 mortgage payments. Then she alleged I was dangerous, and I had to get my own apartment to engage in the custody battle. 4x mortgage. Of course this bankrupted us. I pled with her to stop, but .. it did no good. So, the house went to foreclosure.

I was saddled with a monthly payment that was higher than my income. I have no idea how all this happened. I pled with the court, proved my income, but the Ex brought out fake numbers and they accepted hers.

After the court decision I had a breakdown. Nothing violent or scary, but I just stopped going out of the house. I haven't worked since then. Haven't seen my kids since before Easter. I keep in email contact, but I don't call them. I can't seem to call the house of that woman. My older son is either indifferent, or angry with me. He doesn't call or respond to my email. I've spoken with him twice in about 9 months, and each time he says he intends to keep in touch, and I propose things we could do together over email, play chess online, things like that. he sounds enthusiastic, but then nothing ever happens.

I am now a bona fide recluse; I rarely go out of the house. I rarely leave the room I sleep in. I rarely leave the chair I sit in. I haven't been out of the house since... before Christmas. I haven't worn shoes in a month. I shave once a week. I don't talk to anyone all day long. I'm staying with my sister, but she and her family are tired of me now. They've been more than patient, but they're done with me now. I fear I'm running out of friends. I'm looking into homeless shelters. I don't know where I'll go next. I'm afraid if I go to one of these places, I will never get out.

Friends check in on me every once in a while, but they have families, and jobs, and incomes and homes, and it feels like it has all passed me by. I don't have the courage to try any more. I don't like to spend time with them because their life of normalcy is something that seems so unreachable to me.

I've never been arrested before, always paid my bills on time, always responsible, saved for college, always was mindful of family situation when making career decisions. I graduated at the head of my class in high school, went to a good university, got an engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. I'm a smart guy, I did well at work, I managed a team of people, I was a leader and was a valued guy. I told the truth in the divorce proceedings, I did not falsely accuse her. I didn't cheat during the marriage.

But now I am a deadbeat dad, I have zero custody of my own children, "visitation" rights based on what the Ex says I can do and not do. I am an accused abuser, on the sherriff's watch list, no home, no assets, deeply in debt, less than zero net worth. I have been left with zero dignity and honor. I feel completely ruined and I'm certain there's nothing I can do to make anything better. I tried really hard and I ended up in this pit. This leaves me with no motivation. I'm certain that whatever I try, I will fail. This is very much unlike the old me.

I spend my days watching movies, or surfing the internet, or reading, or doing puzzles. I sleep maybe 3 hours a night. I am baffled.

I think about leaving it all behind, pretty much every day; the only reason I don't, the ONLY reason, is that I think it would unfairly saddle my kids with guilt and shame. But it would be a huge personal relief to me. People say "it's the coward's way out" but I don't care much about that. It's a way out. I know how horrible the thought is.

I don't want to scare you. I'm not on the verge of taking any action. LIke I said, I have barely moved in a month. There's no likelihood that I will immediately surge into action.

I also fantasize about moving to another country, and "starting over", whatever that means. But there's no chance of that happening either, since I would probably have to get out of my chair to make that happen.


I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't really expect anything from any of you.

Maybe it's a tale of caution. I laid down the arms in the divorce war, and I got pummeled.

[iwantittowork]

SPM,

I am saddened to read your tale. I have not talked with you before, but understand where you are. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. There is no reason sometimes, they just do..

That said, you don't need pity. You need to find something that will motivate you.

You have lost it all, it would seem, and that is my worst fear.

However, I have come to accept that I may loose it all, and that I will be fine. It won't be permanent unless I let it.

What do you have still. Start there, rather than what you don't have. You have your health. You have your kids still, though you may not be in contact with them. Immediate family that has taken you in. Something as simple as that and your current internet connection and the willingness to put your thoughts on this forum is a small step in the right direction.

Everything you have listed is not a permanent situation. Look at it closely. It is temporary. Only you will keep it permanent without moving forward in some small way for yourself.

My thoughts are with you, and hope you find peace and will to get up and move!

[smith18]

I am so sorry and shocked to hear of your latest situation. The only optimistic thing to say is that you cant go down much lower than the rock bottom you are at now.

Did you burn your bridges with your employer?

Do you want to pull yourself out of this misery? People can help, but first you need to have the willingness to pick yourself up.

[dday101798]

SPM,

I came very close to where you are last summer.

I too gave up in the D battle for the sake of the kids and lost everything with only family to hold me up.

I think you came here to post as you have to encourage yourself. To remind yourself of the better qualities there in, who you once were, and who you can be again.

Is there a specific reason why you haven't had visitation with your kids? That would be a key help for you. Sure money, got ya, but there are still plenty of things that can be done without it, or at least for very little.

Pull yourself up buddy. You're not the only one whose been where you are, and you certainly and unfortunately won't be the last. But you could by pulling your life back together as best possible in these trying times be a model to someone else in the same predicament now, if not later.

peace

-dylan

[volleydog]

sorry to hear what happened...I was there also...You HAVE to force yourself to get out even for a 10 minute walk, you'll feel better, trust me.

I was just sitting around my sisters house doing NOTHING for weeks on end, the longer it went on the harder it was to get going but once I did things got better.

My thoughts are with you also...

[Gardener]

SPM,I agree with all that's been said so far, especially this:

You HAVE to force yourself to get out even for a 10 minute walk, you'll feel better, trust me.

but I would make that walk straight to my doctor's office or the nearest clinic.
I'm curious as to why your friends or family haven't intervened and physically, bodily, hauled you in for medical attention.

the only reason I don't, the ONLY reason, is that I think it would unfairly saddle my kids with guilt and shame.

I understand this, but what do you think your current state is saddling them with?
Summon up the strength - it's still there, just hidden and atrophied - to get up and do one thing different, one thing positive, one thing. Take that walk, call a mental health clinic, anything. Take one action.

[smith18]

Do you still have your bicycle? As I remember you were an avid bike touring guy.

[Gypsy]

Hello SirPrizeMe..

Thank you for coming here. *hugs*

I've been in that desolate place, where the pain of living far outweighs the joys of life, even children. I was always a survivor and a had willingness to overcome anything. I couldn't understand how I possibly got there, but I did.

I'm still here. The bad does not last forever. It is as temporary as you make it. Move your fingers to call a hotline. 2-1-1 is very easy.

Get up. Take a shower. Shave. Brush your teeth. Put on clean clothes. Include your shoes. Make your bed.

You can do it.

People, professionals, are here to help. All you need to do is ask. Try.

You're a good guy.

*hugs*

[NoCodeBlues]

SPM,

Classic depression -- very understandable given your ordeal. Depression's an old friend/nemesis of mine. I got on antidepressants and that gave me the leverage to get out of the deepest pit I've ever known. It wasn't fun -- still isn't, but with God's love and guidance I found new friends and a support group to keep me moving forward.

Take the first step. See your doctor. Then seek out the support of local spiritual ministries. Get on the path to heal your psyche and your soul. You can do it. I know.

Blessings.

[Gnosis]

SPM... You don't know me and I don't know you...

Here's what I can tell you though, you chose the prefix, "Sir" in your name. "Sir" is a title given to knights. Knights don't give up. Pick up that rusty sword of yours Don Quixote. Climb into that mule's saddle and get moving.

There are ways around the situation she has put you in. Some of them are shady... some aren't.

A clean one that comes to mind is filing for bankruptcy... Go for it.
A second one is suing for emotional abuse... Go for it if you can.
A third is suing for libel and getting your name cleared.... Go for it.

Fight for your life. You're worth it.

If you really want to give up... then do it in style. Sell whatever you can, clean out the bank account (if there's anything left) collect the cash and go live on the beach. Chill out and drop off the face of the planet. Live like a beach bum, check out the chicks and learn to surf, and take it one day at a time.