Need Wise DB Help!! Joint MC session in 2 days.

[MHL]

I have the first joint MC session scheduled for Wednesday, 1-13-10 with WAW, I asked for it and she agreed after an incident last Sat. I confronted her in a bar after mutual friend posted a picture on Facebook of her hanging on some guy in local bar, I saw it right after it was posted and went to the bar. Caught them liplocked, there was a scene but not a big one, I kept my cool. The incident sparked a lot of R talk the next day the most between us in 4 months, my W admitted some wrong doing, first crack in the facade.

Summary of sitch.

July 1 bomb, find out about EA/ 1 time PA affair with #1 OM
July-Aug. 24 I am on rollercoaster doing all the wrong things
Aug. 25 I lose it and kick her out of the house, pack her bags throw them out front door ( big scene)
Sept. 1 Wife begins IC with Christian Counselor
Sept 10 I start with different IC at same Counseling Center
Oct 2 Wife begins to put distance again between us, D13 is mad w/ her b/c she is not moving back into the house like she said and not coming over often as she said.
Oct. 30 discover 2nd A with different OM confront her.
Oct 31 Wife comes to house and D13 knows everything, D13 lays into my W for lies and what she is doing, Wife tells D13 there were other men also, ONS, tells D13 she will stop seeing OM#2.
Nov. 14th Confirm W has not stopped seeing OM#2, D13 says she will never talk to her mom again, D13 says Mom is dead to her.
Nov. 16 I contact OM’s wife, (separated since July M 21yrs)
Nov 19th OM’s wife catches him and my W in bed together, gets pictures, lets them have it!!! Yeah.
Nov. 20th My W breaks it off with OM and goes to work and leaves suicide notes. W goes to hospital for a week under suicide watch. Finds out she is addicted to Sex/attention from other men.
Nov. 30 My wife hires Lawyer
Dec 19 Wife and I spend 8 hours together Xmas shopping (feels like old times)
Dec 22 Get served complaint by W’s lawyer for Sole Custody of S9,D13, financial support, legal fees, Equitable Dist. Of Assets.
Dec. 25 Wife comes over for Xmas is good time for family, D13 talking to W again
Dec. 28 Wife comes over to house to have drinks with me and best friends
Jan 2 Wife, Me, S9, D13 spend afternoon together, lunch and bowling, Family Healing.
Jan 2 midnite. FB/ bar incident, D13 is completely done with Mom.
Jan 3 lots of R talk between W and I, she admits some wrong doing but still wants to go out w friends.
Jan 5 I ask for joint MC session, I say need to set boundries.
Jan 8 wife sets up session


Need advice on how I should approach MC session, will be ME, W, her IC, my IC. I have been very friendly towards wife for last 4 weeks trying to be her friend. I have had more success with that approach, still not initiating contact unless necessary. I have detatched pretty successfully in that I don’t care what she does anymore. I am interested in what her IC’s perspective is on my W’s behavior and how it is affecting people around her. Also, Wife knows she does not need to be seeking R with men, b/c she is co-dependent. Do I ask to her to work on M or not. My IC said it is okay to tell how seeing her do this stuff is painful to me and destroying R with D13. Do all the DB rules apply in MC or can you “let loose” a little. Need advice from wise Dber’s out there, and I will take any 2 X 4’s that come this way, don’t hold back.

[TrentC]

Also, Wife knows she does not need to be seeking R with men, b/c she is co-dependent. Do I ask to her to work on M or not. My IC said it is okay to tell how seeing her do this stuff is painful to me and destroying R with D13.

You're going into a marriage counseling session, right?

Seems like an excellent time to discuss the relationship to me.

[CityGirl]

How much do you know about the MC or her individual counselor? I ask because IMO it seems if you have three C there and they all do not practice the same kind of C'ing (solutions based) then you might have a disaster. Do all the C use the same approach?

I have never been in a situation like that so I really am not sure. I do know my H went to 3 counseling sessions due to his guilt. His C told him that his happiness must come first and if his happiness was with OW he should not feel guilt. If he does feel guilt saying he is sorry is all he needs to do and she validated all his choices and told him some people (in this case I was "some people") simply choose not to listen to loud cries of help from their spouse. I would have not believed this unless I heard it with my own two ears (I did from the C, not my H).

I basically told her that I would not contribute or even listen to such crap, especially when my H lied to his own C up and down (or maybe he didn't lie per say but he didn't give her a very accurate picture of himself or me for that matter - he never told her he left due to my illness, he said he didn't think it was worth mentioning!). Only my H could find a C that would blame me, lol!

I hope it all works out. I would just try and find out if all the C use the same approach or not.

[MHL]

We have done this Joint Counseling Session before where there are 4 people, ME, My W, her IC , and My IC. My wife lied through her teeth to all of us about not dating during the separation. So any commitments gained on Wednesday will be taken into context that she is habitually lying. I am not sure what her counselor will say, I am prepared to throw the bible at her though if her IC says it is okay to date b/c we are separated.

[CityGirl]

If you have done it before (the joint session) then you should have a good idea if all the C's use the same approach.

Are they pro-marriage and solutions based? I asked my H's C when she contacted me and her answer was her job was to help people be happy and support the path they choose to get there. No good! LOL! Lying and cheating to "get happy" is not a good stance to support.

I wish I had some good advice.

[TrentC]

We have done this Joint Counseling Session before where there are 4 people, ME, My W, her IC , and My IC. My wife lied through her teeth to all of us about not dating during the separation.

Did you have proof that she was lying, and call her on it?

So any commitments gained on Wednesday will be taken into context that she is habitually lying. I am not sure what her counselor will say, I am prepared to throw the bible at her though if her IC says it is okay to date b/c we are separated.

You can't guilt a WAS into staying or remaining faithful. Christians have affairs and get divorced just like everybody else. You don't think that she knows that she's going against her beliefs?

[MHL]

City girl,
No they are not solutions based, they believe fix the individual then fix the marriage, I have told my IC that I believe they did the counseling all wrong and told him that. I have not seen him in over a month but there again I am in a much better place and he agrees that I do not need further IC. My W is a messed up person and at least she is in C but I can't imagine what is going on b/c she is reverting back to old ways.

TrentC,
At the time of the session I did not know she was lying. She was very convincing she said, to me "I am your wife, you are my husband , we are still married" that was the phase for her on the M where she said "If I had to make a decision today its over but lets put in God's hands". I found out about #2 A on Oct. 30. As far as her beliefs go she used to be a strong christian woman, now she is doing whatever makes her happy with no regard to anyone else. Super selfish.

I would like to say to her that don't you think you have a better chance of finding true happiness with me or at least trying with me then trying to find someone else out there with as much baggage as you have at this point in life (age 42), what do you have to lose. I don't want to guilt her into anything. I have basically told her that I can forgive the infidelity and not hold it against her in the future.

[TrentC]

At the time of the session I did not know she was lying. She was very convincing she said, to me "I am your wife, you are my husband , we are still married" that was the phase for her on the M where she said "If I had to make a decision today its over but lets put in God's hands". I found out about #2 A on Oct. 30. As far as her beliefs go she used to be a strong christian woman, now she is doing whatever makes her happy with no regard to anyone else. Super selfish.

Then bring it up during counselling.

Say "You told me this, it turned out to be a lie. If we're going to work this out, I need to be able to trust you."

I would like to say to her that don't you think you have a better chance of finding true happiness with me or at least trying with me then trying to find someone else out there with as much baggage as you have at this point in life (age 42), what do you have to lose. I don't want to guilt her into anything.

But that's exactly what you're doing. You can't make her see reason right now because she won't. She's running on her feelings.

[MHL]

I don't want to come out and ask "do you want to work on the M"
b/c I know she will say no it is over. That leaves me nowhere to go. I guess I want to get a discussion going about saving our marriage, or at least get her to acknowledge that with work it could be saved, but as long as she is dating it makes it a lot harder. My hopes are that her IC will chime in and support this approach. I feel like I might be going into the lion's den but I don't want to pass up the opportunity to get her into joint MC.
I am not sure what my openning line will be?
Maybe along these lines,
" The last 3 weeks have been good, I feel like we are communicating better and up until last Saturday night, I thought that the R between D13 and you (my W) was getting better", "How do you feel about that?" then shut up???

[TrentC]

I think that would work.