Need some help with moving forward.

[michaelCM]

No, you're right. I would call or meet her. Just looking for the right words.
I guess I already know what they are. They're just hard to say.
I do know her--not sure if that makes it better or worse.

[talia]

Michael...

Apply the golden rule here.. what would you want someone to say to you? You DO know the words and you are in a better position than most to deliver them - you UNDERSTAND.

Be compassionate and don't take her response personally .

Rooting for you...

T

[michaelCM]

Hi everyone,
Here I am, a few months later. I finally got the nerve to talk to OMW, and now I am not sure that was such a good idea.
I have been suspicious of contact between W and OM for a while now, and I found some evidence of it. thought that maybe contacting OMW would help me nip it in the bud. It may have backfired a bit.
OMW never had any proof, only a lot of suspicions. OM kept telling her they were just friends, etc. I provided her some proof. She is divorcing him now.
The problem is that this may cause my W more grief than I had intended. Because OM has always been part of her circle of coworkers/friends, and no one had known about the A, the fact that she will now blame my W publicly for their D will cause her great humiliation, and, as my W said to me, may force her to quit her job, which she loves. This is definitely not what I wanted. I am trying to contact OMW again to see if it's not to late to have her remain silent about exactly who her H had an affair with. It's probably too late.
All I want to do is save my marriage and my emotional and physical health. I really don't want my W to suffer any more for her past.
Anyway. that's it for now.
Rethinking everything...

[sandi2]

I think I know how you are feeling about protecting your W from public humiliation, but if you've read any of the threads in the infidelity forum you will know that "exposure" is the best way to shine light into the secret affair.

Protecting your W from the consequences of her sin is not what you need to do. Trust me when I tell you that I did not always think that! But, I thought like the WAW that I was and I knew I didn't want anyone to know what I had done.

Your W is playing you and she has all this time. Now, she is making you feel that it is your job as her H to protect her "good name"? Pl.....ease! Well, I thought that too, but was I ever wrong! When the secret is exposed, then the fantasy is shot to hell and that pretty much puts a damper on the A. So, think about it.

The best thing you can do for your M is to let the stuff hit the public fan. You are scared to death.....and she knows it. You are scared to death....not for her exposure,but that she will run to OM. She treats you like a child, patting your head and telling you to "believe" her when she says she loves you.

Let me ask you something.....can you stop her and the OM "if" they chose to run off together? No, you can't. Is you M anymore dead today while she's having an A with him than it was several months ago when she was having the same A with the same man? Nope. What has changed? You didn't, she didn't and neither did OM. The only one who showed any courage was the OM's W and now you want her to keep silent???

That is not strength on your part, sir, that is being a coward. Your W won't tell you, so I will......she has wanted to see you act like a man for so many years, but you apparently forgot how to do that. I can tell you that she will not respect you for helping her keep her secret, she will think you are a fool to help her. Oh you can expect a lot of drama from her b/c that is how she gets her way and controls you, but what do you have to lose? You've already lost her emotionally and respectfully. This MR is already dead. You do have a shot at winning her respect and having a new MR with her......but it won't be through "talking"her to death. It will be with action....."your" action.

[sandi2]

Come on, Mike. Don't duck tail and leave.