Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

Antlers I wished so much that I could honestly give you a lot of hope of saving this M, but I think your W has too many encouraging her to follow through with the D procedures. Think about who will gain "anything" from this (or who has hard feelings toward you) and you'll have an idea what she's up against. I have a feeling that her lawyer has already warned her that you might try to sweet-talk your way out of this. When you told her that you still loved her (and I'm not saying you shouldn't have....but just saying what she may have thought) then she already had that seed of doubt planted in her mind.

"She is dead-set on it....that's for sure. She was that way before she ever went to see her lawyer. Her initial filing was simple, and my lawyer said it looked like she just wanted out and didn't want anything complicated. I believe that her lawyer started 'churning' the minute he saw my discovery paperwork and saw the assets involved. Now things have gotten awfully nasty, even a custody battle."

When she finally decided to leave the M, she was so angry & hurt...and she obviously is still very angry. I would not doubt that she doesn't have help keeping her anger stirred up. How long will it be until the D will be final?

"Yeah, she's still pissed! Now the divorce has turned into a war of attrition. Our next appearance before the court is scheduled sometime in May. That could change though depending on any new filings."

I believe the anger is what fuels her energy and if she didn't have that, she would probably fear she couldn't go through with it. But anytime she should bring up the subject of your feelings for her, I think you should stick to the truth....that you do love her still, but that you don't expect anything from her. You can still choose to love her, right? And....you told her this after you had told her that you wanted 50% custody of the kids, so that statement doesn't appear to be out of spite over her not responding favorably to the ILY.

"I think she uses the anger too. I will stick to that truth. I told her that after she changed her filing to a request for sole custody! I let her know that I will fight that."

When it comes to our children, it will stir our emotions like nothing else. If she thinks you have told the kids anything that contradicts her or is negative about her, she is going to react almost violently about it. But, you know, they could have said something about what you "might" have thought or said and she took to be something you actually "did" tell somebody and perhaps that is where she's getting "those lies you told". IDK, just a thought, and it may be a long time before she will believe the truth.

"Well she has told the kids plenty of negative stuff about me...she has drilled it into them; she wants them to think the way she does about this. She doesn't want to feel bad about any of the decisions she's made. In a thing like this, going on for over a year now, things get said by both sides because of hurt, anger, etc.. I'm not saying it's a good thing, because it's not...it just is that way."

I am glad that you followed Coach's advice and told her that you still loved her b/c you will always know that you told her again, and if the kids ever ask....you can tell them what you said to her. Wished I could talk as positive as Coach does! I'm just concerned that she will not be able to turn lose of so much anger until after the D. Hopefully she can begin to heal and won't subbornly hang on to this unhealthy anger.

"I'm glad too. Agreed sandi. She's hanging onto it, and she draws it like a gun!"

I suppose the girls are still in their mother's corner. I think I might have told you this some time ago, but some day they will see the man you've become and they will make their own decisions about how they want to feel toward you. I have had to wait for two people reach adulthood before they finally knew the truth about something that happened in their lives.....so that time comes, but it takes patience.

"Yeah, the girls are hugely supportive of their mother. I hope you're right about 'someday'. Sure does hurt!"

Whenever you text your W about legal things, I believe you need to show as little emotion as possible, but I am sure I would have said almost the same as you did about custody of the kids. Like I said, who cannot get emotional about that? But from now on, she will realize that you are not afraid of her reactions and that you will fight for you children.

"My lawyer tells me the same thing. She says I need to look at it like the dissolving of a business. Easy to say, hard to do! She has told me several times about leaving emotions out of it. I have told my kids mom that I would spend my last dime and my last breath thrying to keep her from taking the kids away from me."

I am not much help, but I'm here for you. I really hope all the best in the world for you, Antlers. I think you have done a wonderful job in turning yourself around. Some lucky lady will appreciate that some day! Your children will also.

"You are a big help sandi. I know you're here and that means a lot! Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes. I am proud of what I've accomplished with myself. I hope so!"

[antlers]

Went to see the GAL for the first time 2 days ago and spent a lot of time talking with her. She and I will be talking, I suppose, several times in the near future. She'll be talking with my kids, in both my home and their mothers home, and she'll be talking with my kids mother also. She'll also be talking with people that my witnesses and the opposing sides witnesses. I feel like the initial meeting went OK.

It's scary to me. I've never been in trouble. Now I'm having to deal with lawyers, judges, courts, investigative attorneys, and seeing my name on legal documents. It's intimidating, and makes me uncomfortable.

This has become a war, a war of attrition, a war that I never wanted. I would say it's a war that nobody wins, but she stands to gain a significant amount of money. My children are innocent victims, casualties. I will be a casualty also.

[mnt_dreams]

I disagree with calling yourself and the kids casualties of this sitch. It's not the end of the world. Hurts, sucks, bites.. yes, yes, yes! But you can/will overcome this and come out stronger. I believe your kids can as well. It's up to you. Focus on what you can do...

Show the GAL how you care for your children, positive chances for yourself and the kids... but show, don't tell.

[Bridgestone]

Antlers,
I can hear you are really sad & frustrated with the fact that your marriage is over & the ending of it appears to be an all out war.

War has casualties, it also has survivors.

Try reframing this

My children are innocent victims, casualities. I will be a casualty also.

to this

My children are innocent of causing this war. I own my part in causing it and trying to prevent it. Regardless, we will all be survivors.

I copied this off another DB'er's thread yesterday because it spoke to me at a time I was looking for hope.
I share it with you to hopefully pass some along to you

Roses
Its madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn..
To give up on your dreams because one didn’t come true...
To lose faith in prayers because one was not answered...
To give up on your efforts because one of them failed…
To condemn all of your friends because one betrayed you…
To not believe in love because someone was unfaithful or didn’t love you back…

To throw away all of your chances to be happy because you did not succeed on the first attempt.

A new friend, a new love, a new life… never give up because life is indeed beautiful.
=====
You can handle it.
Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

I disagree with calling yourself and the kids casualties of this sitch. It's not the end of the world. Hurts, sucks, bites.. yes, yes, yes! But you can/will overcome this and come out stronger. I believe your kids can as well. It's up to you. Focus on what you can do...

Show the GAL how you care for your children, positive chances for yourself and the kids... but show, don't tell.

Casualties doesn't mean 'killed'...it also includes 'wounded', and that was what I meant. I know we'll all go on. I regret that it came to this though.

I have to 'talk' to the GAL quite a bit. She's gonna come to the house too when the kids are there. There is a lot of 'talking' involved, but I know what you mean.

[antlers]

I'd like to get some help from you folks. My son spent the night with me last night when he was supposed to be with his mom. I assume she had something else to do because our daughter went skating, and she brought our son to me on her night. Anyway, this morning he asked me to take him to his grandmothers house instead of his moms on my way to work. Grandma lives less than a mile from his mom. So I did. He said he's text his mom.

She texted me this morning at work..."where is son? He said you would bring him over here on your way to work."

I texted back "That's what I was gonna do. He asked me to take him to his grandmothers. He said he'd text you."

So I get this back from her..."you need to communicate to me about these kids like I do you and not through them. Don't you realize this was one reason for the failure of our marriage...the way you communicated. If it's my time to have them and I'm willing to let them stay with you then you need to bring them here and not take them somewhere else. That's working together. If you're not willing to do that then neither will I. Your choice."

So, there's at least been some dialogue recently. Coach and others have helped me with some of this dialogue. I have no expectations. I just want to respond with validation, strength, and compassion, etc.. I need some help responding to this last text of hers.


thanks

[Bridgestone]

"OK.. you are absolutely right, we should be communicating directly with each other about the kids & not through them. I'm sorry about not doing it this morning. I will do my best to communicate with you about them, not through them, in the future. I can understand why you'd be frustrated and see this as the same old same old from me."

[antlers]

"OK.. you are absolutely right, we should be communicating directly with each other about the kids & not through them. I'm sorry about not doing it this morning. I will do my best to communicate with you about them, not through them, in the future. I can understand why you'd be frustrated and see this as the same old same old from me."

Hi Bridge. Thank You. The communication problems we had in our marriage weren't because I communicated through our kids. So it's really not the "same old same old from me". I like your response. Could you maybe help me do something other than that last sentence?

[Bridgestone]

I can understand why you'd be frustrated since we did not communicate well in the past.

[antlers]

That sounds great to me. Thank You.