WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Ok, so how do you all do this? I've been separated for 2 months and have just now regained my appetite! I believe H is in MLC because the man who used to love his family and talked to everyone is now an introvert who only talks to his OW. He used to love being around his kids, now only takes them the minimum every other weekend...He blew off work for a week to see the OW (I suspect) when he never even took a sick day before! He's living with his sister right now and she says he's totally angry and rude all the time.

I'm trying to detach from his journey and work on myself and our children's life but I can't keep him out of my mind. I am trying to remind myself that the man I married isn't this guy but I can't seem to do it consistently. One day up.. next day weepy and borderline non-functional..

Is it too soon to expect to be detached? Is there a trick I'm missing to do it? How do I stop thinking about him and OW?

[job]

Rome wasn't built in a day, therefore, your emotional stability will take a while as well. You are on the rollercoaster ride from hell. One minute you will be up, the next down. Two months isn't a very long time to even begin thinking that you can detach completely. You have children and your h (whether he is in a sane mode or not) will most likely want to see them periodically.

Your focus has to be on you, your children and your finances right now. We all have been right where you are and I can say it takes a while to get the hang of not reacting to his every word, motion or behavior. It's not you, it's him.

With Christmas right around the corner, please try to focus on your children. They are going to need you in the days to come because you are the only adult/parent in their lives for now.

Keep your expectations at zero w/your h. As for you, don't be so hard on yourself and expect to be fully detached this soon....take it one hour at a time.

Please try to enjoy your holiday w/your family and friends. God will watch over your man/child.

[Cadet]

Try reading the resources.
Detachment is hard but with time you can do it. I found that NC=no contact helped at first and later you can go dim instead of dark.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Try this link instead

[sleeper]

Hello DiamondGirl,

Sorry you find yourself here but you're in the right place and fortunate you found it so early on in all this.

I read your sitch on the link. You must take care of yourself first. Only you know what needs to be done to take care of you. If it requires counseling, legal action, whatever, do it. YOU are the only person you and your child can rely on at this point.

There is no trick to detatchment and I believe having kids makes it even more difficult. I say this from experience as I sit alone in my apt at 1:00 AM on Christmas morning having taken my kids to X this AM (Christmas Eve) for the third year in a row.

Let your H initiate contact, even to see your child. Try to put him out of your life in every way possible. By doing so you may achieve detachment and allow him to experience the loss associated with his choices.

[peacetoday]

Hi
This is a very difficult road and there are no quick fixes
the pain is real and it comes and goes for, a while but afterthe first few months , youve got thru the worst of it

some important points in dealing with this
seek therapy for yourself,,it helps witht the pain and detatcxhing
its too hard to do alone
'seek support..here and in other places
take care of you
good you regained your appetitie
eat, sleep rest. exercise, seek spiritual relief
definitely watch the finances
the MLCer will lie and steal and spend
last christmas my xh spent dift cards that were sent to our kids frim his mother
they have secret accounts and credit cards and will lie about everything under the sun
be aware
we have all gotten thru this and so will you
peace

[TRUSTING]

I can't stress enough about how important it is to protect yourself financially. They are brutal with money, it seems to be a weapon that they use to control, humiliate and manipulated you. Please do what you have to do to have income, if that means get a lawyer than do that. Peace stated it well. My ex spent ALL the kids college money, ALL. They have no feelings at this point regarding right and wrong.

[DiamondGirl]

Thank you all for the support. It definitely helped as this Christmas was extremely painful but I'm still here, so I'm stronger than I thought.

Happy Holidays to you all...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Glad you made it through Christmas : )

Another 'trick' you want to learn is to not confide too much in his sister. Vent to her and such.
Blood is thicker than water.
It is a not a nice lesson to learn.

[DiamondGirl]

Okay.. So last night was a rough night...I hardly slept.. Thoughts of ways I could try to break up the A kept spinning through my head. But I'm not sure if I should only because then it would make her "the one that got away" wouldn't it? It would also mean he would probably just find another since he's in Replay right now (I think).

Also, one of the problems with our marriage was that I was too controlling (I didn't feel I had control over my own life so I focused on his). This would be my taking his choice away and controlling the situation again, wouldn't it? And I don't want to be the "consolation prize"....

This whole thing is so confusing and frustrating..

I just want her gone because as long as he's got her there is no need to think of what could be worked on with me. She's the easy out to our relationship and he usually takes the easy out. And the more she talks to him, the closer they get and the farther apart him and I seem...