What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

I won't give her the letter. It does go against what I wrote before. I can't be wishy washy. I felt that she seemed happy that I felt like working on the unconditional love and her attitude seemed to change for the better after I expressed my feelings. I am, however, going to continue with detachment. I am by no means bowing down to her and kissing her feet. I am just being a kind thoughtful person. I feel this is a strong atribute.

She has really gone out of her way to show me that she is not having an affair. Phone records are blank and she lays her phone out for me to see all the time. She doesn't go out at night and works 3 days a week. The rest of the time she says she either works out, goes to the store, or is with the kids. If she is having an affair she doesn't spend much time with it.

She got her hair done on Tuesday before she left for the race. Another concern or flag there though. She didn't have any sexy clothes packed in her bag.

I don't know. I want to trust her, but I guess I am also in denial too.

What can I do to take care of this? I have heard your opinions, but what is the best way to politically handle this situation?

I feel that her situation is a lot like Smartcookie's. She has her heart in a box, and she is afraid to let it out because she doesn't trust that I have changed. I want to show her that I have, and I trust that she stopped communication with the old BF when I discovered it.

She wants to sell the house. I want to stay in it until our relationship is back on track.

[Greek]

What can I do to take care of this? I have heard your opinions, but what is the best way to politically handle this situation?

I wouldn't go into deep probe mode when she comes home. You want to know about the gaps in time/contact...but what you'll ask about and show interest in is HER, the RACE, how SHE feels. If she met up with a guy in Phoenix, you'll know. She's going to act very differently. And she'll slip up. Something will out her. Let her do the work for you.

She wants to sell the house. I want to stay in it until our relationship is back on track.

Why does she want to sell??

Greek

[Lotus]

As a realtor, I can tell you that if you list at a high price, you can both be on the market and be in very little danger of selling. Especially today. The work of keeping the house up to showing condition will largely fall on her, since she is home most of the time. I would recommend pricing it slightly above market comparables, and then let it sit on the market for a while. She may tire of keeping it clean and decide to take it off the market.

[Lotus]

I felt that she seemed happy that I felt like working on the unconditional love and her attitude seemed to change for the better after I expressed my feelings.

She has really gone out of her way to show me that she is not having an affair. Phone records are blank and she lays her phone out for me to see all the time. She doesn't go out at night and works 3 days a week. The rest of the time she says she either works out, goes to the store, or is with the kids.

Doc,

We base our responses on your descriptions. The things I quoted above were not in the earlier post about things she is doing that you find troubling. The earlier post talked about negative things. Here you bring up some positives. Only you know all the details of your personal situation. We get bits and pieces and form opinions based on those pieces. Keep your eye on the total picture. Work from that, try not to see only the negatives. She will react based on the way you act, and vice versa.

Marriage is a longterm relationship based on your history together. The actions of the past weekend are not the sum total of what you should consider.

[Sleepy]

I know it's hard to see the entire picture from the forum. Only I see the entire picture. I felt that the dark selfish DB type is the exact opposite that I need to be. I've been that way for years. I appreciate the feedback from all of you tho.

Lotus and Greek, I will go with this approach. I will focus on her and just look for the signs. If she has seen a guy I'm sure she will slip up.

After my last post she called me, and left a message that she was checking out of the hotel. I was in the O.R. and cell phones don't work there so I missed it. She told me that everything went well and was sorry that I was having a bad day at work.... Long story, lots of deep $hit today and it has been very stressful. Her voice was soft and sweet. Despite that, I will wait for her to initiate contact with me again.

I think I will focus on her when she gets home and then later ask her what she thought about the letter I wrote earlier. She never discussed it with me. I need to know what she thinks.

She wants to sell the house because it has been a money pit. It was built in 1927 and has been remodeled, but there is always something going wrong with it. My son doesn't have any friends in the neighborhood and we are looking for a more family oriented place, gated, so the kids can play in the street. Life just isn't like it was when we were kids. Yeah, putting a high price on it will certainly do the trick ;-)

I will continue to look at the entire picture.

[Ready2Change]

Tridoc,

When you pursue your W while she is out with OM, I feel disappointed. I want you to be skeptical of everything she does and says. I want you to DB. I want you to do these things to save your M. Her behavior is very disrespectful to you. If you enable irresponsible behavior, it will continue.......

[robx]

I know it's hard to see the entire picture from the forum. Only I see the entire picture. I felt that the dark selfish DB type is the exact opposite that I need to be. I've been that way for years. I appreciate the feedback from all of you tho.

I don't know tri, I see you really as "Mr.Nice Guy" by the way you talk and look at things, I really don't see you as the selfish type, you may be absorbed into your work but you don't seem like the a$$hole, jerk, lady chaser type. Just sayin ;-)

[davidswife]

Just because she leaves her phone out, does not mean she's not cheating. Many cheating spouses on these boards, including my XH, purchase pay as you go phone plan. So the phone that shares your account is clean.

Keep it in mind, that's all.

[Cadet]

Concerning MLC. If she is in a MLC the things that are being told to you(to do) are no different. Go dark. Completely dark. Or file and get it over with and move on with your life. Do not stay on the path that you have started, it will blow up!

[Sleepy]

Ok, here goes. I got home from work at around 9 after a rough day and there were about 8 kids in the house just taking over the place. I had a rough day and I just lost it. I was frustrated that she wasn’t home and things were in havoc. There were dirty dishes in the sink, kids in all the rooms, the TV was blaring and video games all over the floor. I told all of them to go all home and sent the babysitter home and put my kids to bed.

I was just pissed that she would go off and leave them especially since I was working all weekend. I thought about how things would be if we were divorced and how could such a responsible person suddenly now become so irresponsible. I guess that’s the WAW. They don’t care do they?

I cleaned up the place and she called me when her flight arrived and she was on the shuttle on the way to her car. She could tell that I was angry. I was short with her and I made sure that when she came home all the lights were out and she didn’t get a welcome from anyone.

She came into my room and then told me about her trip. I listened for inconsistencies. She didn’t elaborate much but she told me the day before on the phone that she took a shuttle bus from the airport to the hotel. Today she told me that she took a taxi. I casually asked when she got in. She said immediately after her plane arrived. So that would put her in the hotel around 9 or so? She was lying. I checked, with the desk it was later. I didn’t tell her that though.

I asked why didn’t she contact us? “The kids sent a message that said they missed you and you didn’t even respond to it.” She said she saw it about an hour later in her bag. “Well?” I said.

She seemed happy and upbeat. I asked if she got my letter the other day and she said yes. I asked her what she thought about it and she said “ It seems you know how I feel but they were just words. It doesn’t change anything.” “Really?” I said. She told me that I needed some sleep and left.

She was telling me about her trip as she put her laundry into the hamper. After she left I went to the laundry just to check something. I had a hunch that I might find what I was looking for. I went straight for the panties. I found a pair that might be loaded. I’m getting a black light tomorrow then the $hit is going to hit the fan! If it is good enough for Bill Clinton, it’s good enough for me.

Any other suggestions on how to handle this? If they are positive, I’m going to try to get her to tell me the truth without giving away any of my details. If the truth comes out, she is out on her a$$. I am cutting off the cash flow. I will not tolerate this type of person living in my house.