The continuing saga of P ...

[P17]

P17, please pardon the t/j for a moment:

Cutter, where is your new thread? I am tired of wading through all the newcomer's threads to check on you! sheesh! get on over to the IEAJ forum already! :-)

I asked him the same thing .. no problem!

I wish there were more people over here!

[Arwen_in_NJ]

We don't do this over here. Is the mediator basically to sit you guys down and discuss the split up of assets etc.?

Yes, that's it. The idea is to meet with a neutral 3rd party to develop an agreement in an amicable fashion as to how assets will be split, support payments, and custody of children and visitation if appropriate (not in our case), rather than the adversarial atmosphere of going straight to trial. Most judges will try to get you to agree to mediation anyway, even if you do file for D, so we (read SHE, since I do not want a divorce!) are trying this route first. Filing for D and going for trial is always an option if we can't come to agreement.

I truly wish they could experience just ONE DAY in our lives to see how things look from the LBS perspective. Just one day.

Same here!

Anyway, Arwen it was good to hear from you again. Sorry about your sitch. Are you on FB out of curiosity?

Actually, I've had a pretty cr*ppy month, and haven't felt like posting when I didn't feel I had much positive to say. I feel like my DBing has gone backwards 8 months! Part of it is just the season, I guess. It was much easier for me to GAL when the days were long and warm- I play softball twice a week in July and August, ride my bike, hang out at friends, etc. It is much harder in the winter when the days are short and dark. And I struggle against seasonal depression in the winter even in good years. Lately, I've spent way too much time and mental energy thinking about her, where she is, what she's doing... blah, blah, blah.

I seemed to have lost the hang of the detachment thing, and have been alternating between obsessing about her and wondering if it isn't really over and I am an idiot for hanging on. It is hard to stand for the marriage when it seems that she is really hellbent on getting a divorce (like getting us on the mediator's calendar), when I KNOW this A of hers isn't going to last and she is going to regret what she is doing. But like you, I haven't seen any positive signs lately that she is reconsidering or isn't happy in her A. Still, while the A was a year old in November, they have only been living together for 2 months.

Add to all this that I turned 50 last weekend. Where I am now was certainly not where I expected to be when I hit the half century mark! I am blessed though in that my family had a surprise party for me (my closest blood family lives a 6 hour drive away). My sister, dad and stepmother made the six hour drive, an aunt and uncle flew in from Michigan, and my mother and baby sister came clear across the country from the West Coast! In addition, there were about 20 local friends and neighbors there. They made my birthday absolutely the best it could be under my current circumstances. Surprisingly, the WAW assisted by providing e-mail addresses and contact info for some of my friends, and loaned me an air bed (via a friend) so my mother had something to sleep on, since WAW took the bed out of the guest room when she moved and I haven't replaced it. I didn't expect to be having company! I didn't hear from my W on my birthday, but I called her the next day to thank her for what she did to help pull the party together and loaning the bed. I now always try to encourage and express my appreciation for her thoughtfulness, as I think one of the issues she had was feeling that I took her for granted (that's one of my 180's). She did sound pleased to hear from me (we hadn't had any contact in almost 3 weeks) and pleased that I was acknowledging her contributions. That night we had the "awkward" situation in the shopping center parking lot when I saw her with OW, though. :-P

Anyway, I am running on... I am on FB, under my real name. How do I find you?

[chatterbug]

I'm just venting / journaling just now. I'm a bit low today for the first time in a long time. Feeling a little hurt - backsliding a little today. Normal, I know.

As I said before, asked friend to get 'evidence' from W and OM's FB pages. She has printed off their 'relationship status' and a pic of them both with the caption 'Me and my man' (that's the bit that hurt) and was taken a few days ago.

Entitlement. She is still at this stage. And it is only natural to feel the sting. You are human. Spying has risks. Your not ready to do this again for awhile. Heal from this. Water off a ducks back. Good thing your in your 30's and you can see how childish this is. How hurtdarts are for 14 year olds

The relationship bit and friends list of OM's FB page is either now private or been removed (it was there yesterday apparently). However the rest of it is apparently public for everybody to see. That has been changed deliberately. It's strange, my gut tells me it's for a reason but I don't know what. I shouldn't care, and normally I wouldn't but today is a low day.
Don't mean nothing my friend. Don't mean nothing
Tried to listen to the message that MIL left on the machine today and only a part of it is there. She is wrapping Xmas presents at the moment and has two little ones for D. Nothing more was left (I think the machine cut off!).

Just phoned MIL back and it went to her voicemail. Left an upbeat message and asked her to call me back.

Anyway, I have no patience at this point. W seems to be moving on with her life without a care in the world. I thought the picture, in it's public glory, was a little bit of a knife to the heart for me - I think I would have been a little more considerate.
You are. You did not commit adultery. Just let it slide. Remember it. Use anger to help you on your down days. Anger can be useful if controlled.
I did think maybe she had gone dark, but as you guys said on here, she's likely moved on. I therefore think what the point is in waiting the two years for a D. I can start the process of filing tomorrow (or today if I'm quick enough, it's 4pm :)) It's not going to effect me GALing etc. so why put myself through this 'maybe we'll get together, maybe we won't' phase?

It's OM's birthday today too so he will be getting his 'special birthday present' which again hurts a little. The birthday thing didn't bother me yesterday, but I think with this stuff on top it's sort of just the icing on the cake.

It has only been a month exactly since NC. But in the 4 months since separation, and the month of NC I've seen nothing positive at all. Not a glimmer, not a sign, not even a chink. All I see is negative, bad indicators that I am truly wasting my time. I know some people have been here for 6-30 months GALing, DBing, 180's etc. what keeps these guys going during these times of hopelessness. I mean they must see some positives every now and then to let the know that hope is still there. I have seen nothing at all.
You answered your question with the next sentence
NC has been good for me. But I am now questioning why I am holding off on the D. Patience, patience and patience. I know I need some. Sometimes though, as I said, you just want to give up, roll over, and go to sleep.

I had no plan before NC. I have no plan now. I was hoping that NC would eventually give W some time to think and the thought of D and me as a family would pull her back in some form. Instead she seems to have taken the NC and ran with it. Deleted all our pics from FB / Bebo. Ignored us completely. Not even sent me a condolence card about my mum. Ignored texts from IM etc. Bieing openly public about her new man. She has completely moved on by all intents and purposes and it leaves me, in this state, without any hope at all.
thats good. less for you to look at while dark. no reason to go there anymore. And the rest. Sorry my friend. That was hurtful. Keep it writen down as well.
I'm just sitting here thinking what is the point again?

One thing. D's mum spoke to the friend in W's work again yesterday. Friend said that the story, about me and W splitting because of OM, is true and it's making it's way around the store. W's story about them getting together AFTER we split is coming unravelled. D's mum and friend couldn't believe she had left him for me. Felt good I suppose Women fighting on your side.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. More tea I think and a nice chocolate biscuit to cheer P up!

Well P. One month. I am proud. Go read your posts from one month ago. Just think how you will be in another month. When you wake up tomorrow hug your daughter. You weathered the storm. Your head will be hurting tomorrow. So take some pills and drink some water. And go for a long walk on your beach. Listen to your fav. album. And think about what you really want to change going forward into the second half of your life.

This month coming up is for you. It is your gift to yourself for being strong.

I thought all day for a song for you. As you can see music is very important to me.

So I offer this song for you.

The Storm - The doves

You weathered the storm
You came out the other side
The place you were born
Is a place inside

Don't be sad it's gone
Don't be sad I'm gone...

To weather the storm
Up on your feet again
If it all comes down
Would you still call this the end?

Don't be sad it's gone
Can't be sad for long

Don't give up be strong
Don't be sad I'm gone

The night you left the storm

To weather it all
To come out the other side
With the moon all high
I'll see you on the other side
So come out the other side

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46ynKrD5nYM


I know your thread has carried on. But I really wanted to reply to this post.

I will read and catch up.

[P17]

Entitlement. She is still at this stage. And it is only natural to feel the sting. You are human. Spying has risks. Your not ready to do this again for awhile. Heal from this. Water off a ducks back. Good thing your in your 30's and you can see how childish this is. How hurtdarts are for 14 year olds

Cutter, if I didn't know you better I would tell you to go away.

You're right, again, I'm not ready to do this or hear about this again. I can see how childish this is .. 'Me and my man' are you 16? WTF ... you're a 32 year o9ld woman and he is 45 for f*cks sake ... anyway, it still hurts. Just remember W that when you were born he ws moving into High School .. does that put the sh*t into perspective for you? Anyway guys you have no idea how this non-violent guy want to go up and smack this predator ...

Don't mean nothing my friend. Don't mean nothing
[/quote[

But it does cutter. When you feel like this everything means something.

You are. You did not commit adultery. Just let it slide. Remember it. Use anger to help you on your down days. Anger can be useful if controlled.

How?
[quote]
You answered your question with the next sentence
NC has been good for me. But I am now questioning why I am holding off on the D. Patience, patience and patience. I know I need some. Sometimes though, as I said, you just want to give up, roll over, and go to sleep.

Cutter, I have done as I said above. I haven't reached the I want to go, however I realched the 'why am I waiting' wall.

[quote[
thats good. less for you to look at while dark. no reason to go there anymore. And the rest. Sorry my friend. That was hurtful. Keep it writen down as well.

I don't come here for somebody telling me what I want to hear it. However what I keep hearing is that W has moved on ... so therefore what the effing hell am I doing here? I am wasting my time and yours ... I want to GAL and R my M, however I can GAL without the forum so why waste everybody's time (and I don't mean that as some sort of feel sorry for me response)?

Well P. One month. I am proud. Go read your posts from one month ago. Just think how you will be in another month. When you wake up tomorrow hug your daughter. You weathered the storm. Your head will be hurting tomorrow. So take some pills and drink some water. And go for a long walk on your beach. Listen to your fav. album. And think about what you really want to change going forward into the second half of your life.
[/quote[

Cutter I will do all of that, but I can do that without thinking qabout W so I ask myself again, what so the point considering her?

[quote]
This month coming up is for you. It is your gift to yourself for being strong.

This months will be good. Tonight I have finalised presents and 12 bottles of wine. I am getting there.

I thought all day for a song for you. As you can see music is very important to me.

Me too .. my song of the moment is Let It Die by the Foo Fighters .. there are as few lines that say a lot. But I appreciate the song - I listened on You Yube ...

Can I be honest? Nobody has yet said 'P she is in a daze she will talk / communicate / talk ...

LOL .. sorry, but my W has out NC'd me .... I just find it funny ...

[newmama]

Can I be honest? Nobody has yet said 'P she is in a daze she will talk / communicate / talk ...

Sorry but I don't understand...did you expect that she was going to talk to you during your NC? Or that she would have "woken up" by now? Yes she is in the fog of the affair, that is for sure! I imagine that people haven't said that because, at least for me, I thought it was obvious that she is in a daze!

And I wanted to add that although you don't think she has seen your improvements, she has because you told us you used to cave in and be all talk and little follow through (rewording but I think that's the gist!). Well you have been NC for a solid month. You made her go to IM in another town to get her Christmas stuff! (bravo!) so some of your actions are definitely shining through to her. On top of that, it sounds like information gets to her from people at the shop, right? Or facebook or your MIL. So your GAL is getting to her.

**I wanted to add that when you do see your MIL, be sure to be charming and happy and looking good because it will definitely get back to W!

If you want to move on and file for D, set a date and then see if you still feel like it when the date arrives. I actually had a quick fantasy that all of us on here would make a pact to file for D by choosing the same date and say good riddance! (BUt then I remembered that I don't want to go from man to man looking for WH in all of them)

[chatterbug]

I don't come here for somebody telling me what I want to hear it. However what I keep hearing is that W has moved on ... so therefore what the effing hell am I doing here? I am wasting my time and yours ... I want to GAL and R my M, however I can GAL without the forum so why waste everybody's time (and I don't mean that as some sort of feel sorry for me response)?



Sorry my friend. I did take the time to think those out. If I offened you in anyway please let me know. In wine truth. My friend.

P.S. I just realized its been 3 months since Plan B went into play.
Wow.

P

Keep up this work. This is all for you. And only you. And what is good for you is good for your little girl.

Again sorry if I have offended.

[chatterbug]

So P what set you off ? What was the trigger for this cycle?

I want you to notice how long this one lasts. I am guessing you will start rowing again quicker than before.

If your here a few days that is ok my friend.

I ended up spending tonight talking to a highschool friend who suffered an affair. And she spent the last few years doing them on other people. She has no male friends so I said I would be her first.
I gave her, her first boundary.

I am not looking for anything more than a friendship. I have to heal myself. If you have difficulties with this please talk to me. We will talk it through or go our seperate ways.

I told her that I could be the first person she tries a boundary out on. And I also told her she should check out this site.
Add that on to the conversation with ladybugs cus... 90 minutes of truthdarts.

I feel grounded.

And I got a new thread to start. Bizzare. How the world goes. And you make a few choices. And life tests you on them. So tomorrow I start it up.

Talk to you on the alt.

P.S. mama and P go help our friend avermont out.