My WAS moved out a few months ago and is living with OW in the next town up the road. Last night I had to be in that town (I am a part-time RE agent, and that is where my office is). Stopped into a few stores to pick up some things.
When I came out of one of the stores and went back to my car, I saw OW's car almost directly behind mine in the parking lot. Her car has out of state plates, so it is pretty easy to spot. Both of them were sitting in the car.
I was just dropping something off in my car, and going into another store. So I walked over and grabbed a shopping cart about 10 feet from OW's car, looked at them, waved, and walked on into the store. When I came back out, the OW car was still there, but they weren't in it.
Today I get message from WAS about scheduling dates for mediation, and she would like to "talk about seeing you last night. It was awkward and I hate that."
This has my guts all in a twist, although I don't think I did anything wrong. I am not going to avoid an entire town because they are there. Maybe I should have ignored them.
Suggestions on what to say when we talk?
Last edited by Arwen_in_NJ; 12/15/0907:19 PM.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
I was just dropping something off in my car, and going into another store. So I walked over and grabbed a shopping cart about 10 feet from OW's car, looked at them, waved, and walked on into the store. When I came back out, the OW car was still there, but they weren't in it.
Excellent. Liked the waving part in particular.
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Today I get message from WAS about scheduling dates for mediation,
What sort of mediation is this?
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and she would like to "talk about seeing you last night. It was awkward and I hate that."
Why does she need to talk? If she feels awkward then surely that's something for her conscience to deal with? Maybe I misunderstand that bit.
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This has my guts all in a twist, although I don't think I did anything wrong. I am not going to avoid an entire town because they are there. Maybe I should have ignored them.
Why the hell should you. Wait a minute Arwen, you haven't done anything so why are you feeling guilty?
You are getting on with your life. You are acknowledging that she exists. You waved. Big deal. If she get's all upset at you for waving, boo hoo.
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Suggestions on what to say when we talk?
It' her that needs to talk. I'd listen, validate and that's it. I wouldn't say much.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
This is a session before a neutral 3rd party to try to come to agreement on division of assets, support, etc. rather than going straight to trial.
Originally Posted By: P17
Why does she need to talk? If she feels awkward then surely that's something for her conscience to deal with? Maybe I misunderstand that bit.
I don't know why she needs to talk. I agree- if she feels awkward, it's most likely her conscience speaking up. Perhaps she thinks I was following them or something.... although I was in the shopping center before she was, I think. I guess I'll know when we talk.
Originally Posted By: P17
It' her that needs to talk. I'd listen, validate and that's it. I wouldn't say much.
Sounds like a plan.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
It has been. I still have the bumps from your last 2x4 LOL (it was appreciated believe me).
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I don't know why she needs to talk. I agree- if she feels awkward, it's most likely her conscience speaking up. Perhaps she thinks I was following them or something.... although I was in the shopping center before she was, I think. I guess I'll know when we talk.
She must know you were there first if they parked behind your car? Your car didn't move and they knew that as they stayed in theirs ... maybe they knew it was you and were waiting for you?
Do you really want to talk? What would it achieve (other than settling your curiosity)?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Its interesting in reading all these posts on the was behavior. Its as if when they leave for someone else, life is supposed to be as it was, all sugar plums and lolipops. They don't go through the left behind, all alone stage. They move right into fantasy land and expect it all to be just great. When your behavior is different or doesn't fit into the lolipop plan, sort of sets them off.
My rec, and of course I'm no expert, but I'd let her keep trying to setup this 'talk' and you just keep doing what your doing. What would a 'talk' do to help you out if she's living with OM? I'd ignore her as long as that is the case.
Ugh, Tostada, you are so right. "I want to tear the rug out from under you, and break your heart, but I still want to be your friend! Barf!
Arwen, it sounds like the meeting was awkward for her and the other woman more than it was for you! Thats her problem, not yours. If you did "talk", what would it be about, what would YOU have to gain from it? Im guessing she wants to try to clear her consience. Screw that! You dont owe her a way to make herself feel better for being a WAW.
Guess what, when you do something terrible, sometimes it haunts you, and Arwen, you dont need to fix that for her!
Oh, by the way- Ive been wondering how you are doing, nice to see you again!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Ugh, Tostada, you are so right. "I want to tear the rug out from under you, and break your heart, but I still want to be your friend! Barf!
Arwen, it sounds like the meeting was awkward for her and the other woman more than it was for you! Thats her problem, not yours. If you did "talk", what would it be about, what would YOU have to gain from it? Im guessing she wants to try to clear her consience. Screw that! You dont owe her a way to make herself feel better for being a WAW.
Guess what, when you do something terrible, sometimes it haunts you, and Arwen, you dont need to fix that for her!
Oh, by the way- Ive been wondering how you are doing, nice to see you again!
We haven't talked yet. It helps that I have been out of town the last few days on business. :-) When I get back, I am not going to bring this issue up. If she feels the need to get something off her chest, as P17 says, I'll just listen and validate. You're right, Blue- I don't need to fix it for her.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Arwen, I think just about a month ago I read you posting the very advice that P17 gave you to someone else. You know how to do this... just stay focused.
Im sorry that your having a hard time right now.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Arwen, I think just about a month ago I read you posting the very advice that P17 gave you to someone else. You know how to do this... just stay focused.
Im sorry that your having a hard time right now.
Sometimes we know the stuff, we just can't hear it through the pain.
Or maybe, like me, Arwen find it easier giving advice than taking it?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
