Hi...I have posted a few times awhile ago about immediate sitch but now it's been almost 6 months and still in limboland and ready to file D...feel thats the only way to get out of limboland...
Been married for 9 years, 3 kids...family history very entwined: let me explain ~ My H uncle and my aunt married 18 yrs. ago...2nd marriages for both. Soo...we are not blood related..my mom is sister of "aunt" and his mom is sister with H "uncle" but our 3 kids are related to EVERYONE!
H left July 19th (day after son's 8th bday) and gave me the typical WAS script..ILYBNILWY, need space, been unhappy for years, etc...
Found some txts to OW and ex-GF..never confirmed A but suspect.."our families" (since so entwined were shocked because H always seemed devoted, loving, etc)...except has drinking problem.
Fast forward:
Month 1 & 2..little contact..actually up and left with no info of whereabouts for 2 weeks (still bothers me til this day as in no respect for kids or me)...during these 2 months though..impulsiveness to the extreme, wanting Harley, out all nights, into different activities than usual, etc..
End month 2...contacting but txt and childish like.."want me come over, ur call, yes or no?!"...blah, blah, blah...but I was suckered into it so basically developed this unhealthy late night sex only relationship..didn't interact with kids, nothing.........
Month 3,4,5...periodically showed signs of affection, last 3 weeks has said ILY again but hmmm...I truly believe this is MLC or Bi-polar (leaning toward the latter cuz he's only 33)
Basically I have told him point blank that I cannot be his part-time lover, have him come over only when convenient, not see kids or be involved with thier lives so told him meeting with mediator next week - NO RESPONSE (doesn't surprise me)
You may be thinking oh what a loser but he is the kindest, generous guy..everyone use to say I have the best H, our families love him..2 weeks prior to Bomb my sister said he told her me and kids were his life and for the past 9 years he has been trustworthy (I thought), committed, supportive
Do you think I should just file and see if it knocks sense into him, however I am willing to go through with it because I want a husband and father and will not continue to live in this current situation...thank you!!
I don't know a lot about MLC, as I am only 24 lol. But I do know a bit about bi-polar disorder - I have it. His erratic behavior, hyper-sexuality, and obvious impulse control issues lead me to believe it's possible and likely. But here's the problem - idk that he will listen, even if you suggest it to him.
As a bipolar I had moments (sometimes hours or days) of clarity. But knowing when that is can be hard, and I don't know if everyone is like that. I also sought help for myself, and that is kind of unusual...so maybe I'm weird. The thing is, if he gives you any indication that he is considering seeing a mental health professional encourage him. Don't act as though you think he's crazy, but be supportive. Be gentle in bringing up the word "bipolar" as it can trigger some unpleasant responses. But if you think he is interested at some point, definitely explain that he has classic symptoms.
Don't know if this helps, but know I am out here listening to you.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Thanks for the input...I too believe that may be the case. Phychiatric issues run rampant in H family as well. I realize it's a delicate subject. He also has anxiety and high BP which probably is caused from stress. Is your bi-polar effectively managed with meds? What about when alcohol is added to the mix?
____________ M: 36 H: 33 D 2 D 5 S 8 M: 9yrs Seperated: 7/09
so I have been trying NC to a degree....H text last night midnight "Hey"!....uhhggg I didn't respond then he called twice and pulled in driveway but I stuck my ground. I refuse to live in such an "unhealthy" R. I need to detach and work on me. I wonder though when we "ignore" these WAS if they get angrier and then feel pushed away even further. I know my H has said to me "thanks for pushing me away" when I have done this.
Yes, I have been on mood stabilizers for about four months and I am 110% better. It takes a few appointments with a therapist to get the dosage up to an appropriate level, but I began to feel more...normal...within days. As I say, the fact that I went to a therapist and said, "I am bipolar please help me," is very rare. Most people need someone else to get them help. Or they end up in jail and get court-ordered psychiatric evaluation. The odd part about that is - I was in jail and they still let it go untreated! Sorry, I digress. It just ticks me off.
And that is important. In the brief periods of clarity, he may be wondering why no one can see how sick he is. I was always good at hiding my depression, but never forget that is the flip side of the mania. He may or may not become so depressed he borders on suicidal BUT that may be your best time to help. If he ever says he might hurt himself or anything even remotely like that, it is grounds to get him help without his consent. Do it!
He will be furious, so prepare yourself for some of the worst, hurtful things he can think to hurl at you. He may swear he's not sick, yell that you're punishing him, and a million other things. Don't listen - the disease is speaking. The man you love is trapped inside his own mind.
When his mind starts to clear, that is when he will realize and regret all that has gone on. There is a certain downside to getting well - you have to learn to cope with what you've done to yourself and everyone you love. Please support him if/when he does start to get help. Nothing is sadder than coming out of the fog I've been living in just to watch my husband walk into the arms of another woman...AFTER I started getting well.
I may take some heat for this from other posters, but I don't know that DBing is going to help or be your best bet. That is IF this is a case of bipolar disorder. Have you been to a counselor yourself? Maybe they could help you decide how to approach this situation.
As for the alcohol. When I was un-medicated I loved to drink, party and in general act like an idiot. The main trait of a bipolar is lack of impulse control. Your brain says, "do it! it's fun!" and you don't think, you just do. There aren't a lot of conscious choices.
I can drink now - it doesn't screw up the medication. I don't go out to bars and get plastered, partly because it's not much fun, and partly because it puts me in a position to slip back toward my lack of impulse control (which generally meant indiscriminate sex). But I enjoy a social drink with girlfriends or on holidays. If he has an alcohol problem in addition to the bipolar disorder, your husband will be in a slightly different boat. But I think he might discover that he on drinks as a result of lack of impulse control.
Ignore what he says to hurt you. Do NOT ignore what he says if he talks about how he feels. Work on you, but IMHO don't shut him out. This is not, to my mind, a normal DB situation.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
You know, I think you are dead on with my sitch...funny cuz not sure how you know all this!! Everything you are saying is him to a tee and I have been confused about the DB approach and thought it might not work in my case. First point....when he first left, they say detach, etc...LRT, NC and if I stuck to that I believe H and I might be D by now.
However, I do think I needed to set boundaries because I truly feel like he was cake-eating to the max!
H does drink on a nightly basis which is a BIG issue...However, I married him that way. During our marriage though I think I helped him manage it to a degree but then my dad died (53 y.o) last year and I completely fell apart. So when I fell apart I think "we" fell apart and I have tried to communicate that with him but H in fog still. I have been to IC a few times and I have not found one that I connected with. When H first walked out I made him go to MC but it was unproductive and H just validated all the typical WAS script.
Something I am not okay with though is R he has with ex-gf and new girl...H says they are friends and there's nothing wrong. This to me is a manic statement but I think H truly beleives it. Anything that you "hide" from your spouse is questionable at best.
H has shown suicidal tendencies and I did address it immediately but not to authorities. If he does it again, I will. H comes from very broken family. Father was A & DA and left his mom when H was 3 and H has NC with him. So sadly it seems as if history is repeating itself with our sitch in a way although H says he will always financially suuport his kids (unlike his oen F) and H thinks thats good enough. H mother dysfunctional as well and has physichiatric stuff (suddle).
You are absolutely right. His communication with ex's is NOT ok. But he doesn't understand. Even as recently as this summer I became friends with my ex-OM and his new gf again. There was nothing inappropriate, even feelings. But I didn't understand that the behavior, the contact would hurt my H. I'm not proud of it. It isn't something a bipolar can think about really. It's sort of like living in a crowded room full of fog within your own mind. Some things seem perfectly logical to you and things that should be evaluated in connection never occur to you (like how your actions appear to and affect your spouse). It sounds like an excuse, I know. But it really is a product of a mind in turmoil. And during those periods of clarity it tears him apart that he is hurting you.
I suggest you not file for D, and if he does do everything in your power to prevent it. If he really is bipolar then once he gets well he will be devastated by what he has done. He can get better, of that I am certain. And when that happens he will really need you. The guilt is very painful (not that he/I doesn't deserve it), and he will definitely believe he deserves it if you choose to leave him then. When I tried to get a D I didn't really want to be without my H, I was trying to stop hurting him.
I also suggest that you keep looking for a therapist of your own. Ask in advance if they are a specialist in bipolar disorder and SBT. These are good principles (DBing) and you need a counselor who is supportive of the choices you have made concerning how to approach your life and relationship. Once you find one they can help you cope with the really bad days and the healing once he is ready.
Hang in there...I'm here for you.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
