A Choice

[P17]

@P17

I guess it would be safe to say "I have not reached the point that I need to be at to really let go" and I know that I haven't.

I do understand though. I am just hard headed. Most so "scared".

Thanks for the reply. I know you are right.

Pat,

I con myself sometimes into thinking I've really let go myself. I'm about 90% of the way there I think (others may disagree) but sometimes I get pulled back and I'm only 50% of the way there.

You're scared. We're all scared. You want to save your M. We all do. The way to save it is to let it go and I'm nto saying that from experience, as I haven't done that yet, but from reading and understanding.

If I can say anything about my own sitch it's that I wish I came here at the start. The reason you are being told the same stuff over and over again by different people is ... it actually does work!

Chin up. Don't send the letter (please!) - write it if you want to, that's cool. Just don't give it to her. Write it and burn it.

I see you've gone dark - I have too, since 17 November. I feel for you as you are only 2 days into the second one. One of the toughest things I've ever had to do but I can tell you that throughout the whole breakup it is the best thing I ever did. The difference in me is incredible. If you knew me then and now, you wouldn't recognise me. It DOES get easier, believe me.

[Serenity13]

(((Pat)))

I con myself sometimes into thinking I've really let go myself. I'm about 90% of the way there I think (others may disagree) but sometimes I get pulled back and I'm only 50% of the way there.

This is a wonderful statement so re-read it - I think 98% of us fall under this blanket...

Some days truly are better then others.

One of the toughest things I've ever had to do but I can tell you that throughout the whole breakup it is the best thing I ever did. The difference in me is incredible. If you knew me then and now, you wouldn't recognise me. It DOES get easier, believe me.

Now re-read this one because truer words have never been spoken.

Time - The word gets an ugly rap from the majority of people here (me included, because I am not patient by any means) however it is the one thing on your side.

[sandi2]

Pat, I have some questions to ask you. How in this world did you raise a son who is 18 yrs old and not set boundaries for him? Did you set boundaries? Or did you sit back and wait on your W to raise him? If you didn't give him boundaries b/c you were "afraid" to do that......then may God help you!! That son of yours will never respect you nor will he be able to love you the way a parent should be loved b/c you were too scared to inforce boundaries.

As an individual person.....do you set boundaries as to how other people treat you? Would you allow somebody to spit in your face and laugh at you and call you every horrible name in the book.....and lay down and beg them to stomp on you as well?

Do you see where I am going with this? If you have a shred of self-respect then you will decide how your W will treat you to your face, or in your home, or in front of your children....whatever. You will set boundaries based on how you feel about yourself--and if you are not man enough to do that with your W, then I don't know how you could expect her to be attracted to you....much less decide you are the one she wants to live with from now on. If you don't think more of yourself than that......how can you expect her to?

[patpat]

@ S2

Boundaries for my son came as needed. God help me! He sure did. Have a great child. Just turned 18 and in college; staright A's... he will even come upstairs and crawl into bed with me on ocassion and watch TV. He tells me often that I am a Great Dad. Even better father.

At age 5, my son started going back and forth to Cali to visit with his real mother. In fact, she and I have become great friends over the last 15 years. She even offered to fly me out to Cali for X-mas this year as I would be alone. Not going, but the thought was nice. Have not seen son's real mother since she handed him over to me at age 3. And she is a kind and wonderful woman.

Go figure... she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given only a short time to live. I knew her from my army days and she had to find a parent(s) for her son considering her situation. Surprizingly enouugh, she is still kicking and has played and been an active role in my young son's life. She, my W and I over the years have IMO done an outstanding job with this young man and I am SO VERY PROUD. BEING A GOOD FATHER IS ONE AREA IN MY LIFE WHERE I HAVE NOT FAILED. Everything else is open for debate.

I was tough with son when the need arised.

To answer the other. No, I really have not set boundaries in general. I would just tell people that they have crossed a line with me and to back off. It works usually. If push came to shove, I have pretty much had that under control also. Not really as we all know CONTROL is just an illusion.

Outside my marriage, it seems like everyone loves and admires me. In side, I am just a softy with regards to my W. Sorry, always have been (except for the controlling, manipulative SOB that would emerge from time time to cause W turmoill & grief). I know it is not an excuse, but we have been together since middle school and I never have known any kind of love other than hers. I like it. I love it and like most here, I never though this would have ever happen to us.

Up until 4 months ago. I really had it good for awhile.

FYI... I do realize and understand that I have to set a tougher boundary for the A.

Believe me, I have read enough (& continuing to do so) and believe in DB'ing. I just have not reached the point of letting go. getting closer daily, but just have not come to terms with the whole letting go concept yet.

And still reading DR.

I realize that it is possible that my R is already over. This may be the case, and may not. Too early to tell. But I also realize that you have to do what works.... we all know nothing works overnight, it takes time. Allow me this, as I know and understand... I just have been a softy so long in my marriage, it takes a bit to change. In a lot of ways, I liked who I was before. I like who I am becoming and I am just trying to be as proud of the new me.

The new me is tougher. I will get the tough boundary thing happening soon. And we shall see. (prob after the holidays)

Thanks for the tough response.

Thanks Kiddo!

[patpat]

@ P17

Words well choosen. "I con myself"; don't we all in some way or another.

Sorry, don't know how to use the "original post feature", would prob make things abit easier. I will learn soon.

I will not send the letter. I did save a copy on puter. It is a good one. It make me feel good when I read it. I have several. Oneday, she may get the opportunity. Time will tell.

Gotta get some rest.... work in 3 hours

Thanks P17

[wren1700]

nvm

[P17]

@ P17

Words well choosen. "I con myself"; don't we all in some way or another.

Oh sh*t yeah. I was getting at your Pat. I was just trying to tell you were.

Sorry, don't know how to use the "original post feature", would prob make things abit easier. I will learn soon.

Sorry, I meant to say read the origjnal posts you made (ie. the first one in threads.

I will not send the letter.

Thanks f for that ...

I did save a copy on puter. It is a good one. It make me feel good when I read it. I have several. One day, she may get the opportunity. Time will tell.

Exactlyu. Time will tell when it is safe to give her it but two things ... 1) if you're not sure, don't give her it!!!!! 2) If you are sure .. don't give her it ... sorry, but it's just bad. I don 't want you making the same mistakes as me mate. Remember that ticket is still reserved ...

[patpat]

P17

UR GREAT MAN! I"LL CATCH U 2MORROW...

[4luv]

patpat,

just read your stitch. Thx for you encouraging words and insight on my own stitch. I find your compassion and changes that you have made on yourself very inspiring for my situation with my husband. I am glad that you also stopped beating yourself up because like others have told you, you are not responsible for your wife having an affair. My husband has treated very poorly, been emotionally abusive but there are other choices I will make rather than seeking comfort from another man and disrespecting the vows that I have made.

I haven't gone dark yet but I am leaving for the holidays on Sunday and I don't know when I will return. I am preparing to stay away as long as I need to in order to completely detach from hubby and his ways or until i see some self improvement with hubby.

one thing i wanted to comment on your stitch (and this is advice to myself as well) is to stay dark. When I've had success in the past, it was when I stopped pursuing. Be nice to your wife but not too nice. I know that sounds contradicting but every woman I know (including me) likes a nice guy but hates the guy that is too nice. I never liked men that never challenged me or that I could walk all over. I am looking to the men on this board as to how to read my husband and all the men are giving you great advice but also use the women that have commented to you to really work on yourself and your marriage. Don't be a doormat.

don't worry, i am telling myself all of this also but I know that men also don't like a woman that comes off too strong so I am trying to find the balance in my stitch.

[Deep]

Pat, Sandi gives great advice and has done so again.

Look at it this way:

1) Setting up boundaries that define a viable marriage, maintaining your self-esteem, allowing healthy respect between both spouses - file this under the "can be controlled by patpat category".

2) Trying to assume what your W will think of it, how she will react, whether she will accept those boundaries or even care, how YOU will react to how she reacts, what impacts it might have, the fear it generates - same file, same category.

3) How W actually reacts, and choices she may or may not make that may or may not help your M - file this under "beyond patpat's control".

You're doing a fair bit of mind-reading and giving in to fear and letting 3) override the former two.

And as often pointed out here, work on what you can control, own your choices and actions, let the WAS make his/her own choices and live with the consequences, and leave the rest up to God.

What do you think you're having trouble with letting go of exactly? Your love for W? The part of you that may view her as a possession? The fear of losing her? The fear of confrontation? The responsibility you may feel for saving the M through your efforts alone? The fear of losing the contact you are having now? The fear of her reaction and making the whole situation "uglier"? All of the above? Hope you see I'm not being pedantic here, but if you can better understand what your fears are, it may help you better deal with them.

Cheers.