H leaves Dec. 9th, how do I say goodbye?

[Chel]

After a full year of DB'ing H purchased his plane ticket and is leaving for Canada Dec. 9th. H is in the process of telling family, getting financials in order and has been in a hurry up mode for us to get our divorce papers all signed and in the works before he goes.

I've done much crying; and yes, some in front of H but I've done no begging or pleading and am trying to hold myself together and try to be casual and just let him know I am sorry he feels this way. This whole process has been going on for some time and I've used telephone coaching, this forum and some reading. It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!

I've been GAL'ing, Detaching and maybe on some days am accepting of this because H won't agree to any counseling together, etc. There was no way living, working and being together was going to change at this point and H felt he had gone too far with his planning and he felt (using my words) this was a journey he needed to take. At some level I agree, I just wish it was not so far away --- it feels so permanent. I will move on and honestly I have been looking forward after a good year and a half to have some time to myself and just let down - to not have to walk on egg shells for a bit will be good.

It appears as though I will be taking H to the airport and take the rest of the day off of work. What do I say to him??? As the two weeks have been passing there have been good days and bad. I had hope a couple of times that H would not be able to go through with this but each time he starts to tell family, make his arrangements I know he is not going to turn back.

Besides telling him I hope he finds what he is looking for and that I will always love him I absolutely have no idea what is appropriate to say at this time without being a doormat on the way out.

We don't have kids and he is leaving quite a bit of his things here and expects to come back in the spring with a truck to load the rest...so he is leaving things behind and I also do not fully understand if that means something as he has had months to pack and done next to nothing.

I am very confused and any advice on what others have said or done at this phase of roller coaster ride is greatly appreciated. I have toyed around with going dark because I am afraid he is going to keep communicating and I don't know if I can handle those calls/e-mails or even if they are appropriate?

Thanks,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Together 23 yrs.
Married 16 yrs.
1 blind, fluffy cat
MLC sux

[peacetoday]

chel
Im sorry
I know how hard it is
reading ypur post brought me back to post bomb almost 3 years ago now
I didnt know what to sasy either when H left
I said I didnt agree with what he was doing, but I will not stop him--it was sad for me but I kept my emotions in check and then cried to my best friend
I would keep it as brief as possible
maybe he can get another ride to airport
that might be very hard on you
Mine left everything here except a bif plastic bag of clothes
he took some items here ane there when he visited
but really left most of it
all his tools are still here
he is remarried now and lives in a 1 bedroom apartment
I threw away boxes full of his clothes some new
but I asked his to take them and he never did
will you be keeping your home?
maybe they keep their belonging home because it seems safe,,like they can still come back

You will know what tecniques to do at the right time
going dim or dark is usually helpful for us to detach more and move on
hang in
you have done very well
peace
or he could take a taxi

[kjensen]

Hi Chel,
I'm feeling for you! My H is about to leave for the second time and most likely will push a divorce through this time. I can relate.

Don't try to read anything into what your H is doing or not doing with his belongings-its really hard to know if its a subconscious 'keeping the connection/door open' thing or not.

I have to say for myself, not having to walk on eggshells and deal with the ups/downs/moodiness is what I most look forward to. I was doing well after he left the first time so I know I will do well again. Time does heal some of the hurt.

I would say what you plan. Let him do the other talking-don't stress. Respond positively if you can, validate and let him go.
There's no way to know where his journey will take him, but it could be back to you-nothing is very permanent in this world. people remarry their original spouses...

But the thing is..you have your own journey and where it leads you is unknown. Focus on what you can count on-yourself. You are so much stronger than when this crisis began- you are already on your way! I'm thinking of you!

[Chel]

Thanks Peace,

You have been more than helpful and I appreciate your advice very much.

We are property mgrs. so we work together and live in a condo on-site. H has not given his two weeks notice but has his plane ticket for Dec. 9th and is not turning back. Our job is a joint job and I don't honestly know what will happen with my work/living situation at this moment. H has dragged not putting in his two weeks notice and I am afraid he won't give any notice as it is just too hard. Just like taking care of his stuff is too hard. I sold the couch last night on Craig's List and I could tell that kind of bothered him, but I said I did not know what my future holds but it would be a smaller living space for me next so I needed to downsize. Still nothing about how sorry he is for leaving me to take care of everything. Everything is just so emotioinal and hard for him to do but yet I have to pick up all the pieces. Believe me not knowing my work/living arrangement is not good but I just feel NUMB I really have a don't care attitude. Either way there are going to be messes to clean up he leaves behind.

Also I just don't feel mad at him either. As he is telling his family and friends his news this week they are just throwing him under the bus. They think he is wacko and could not imagine why he would leave me. Everyone seems to be worried about me and think he is being mean so I can not just pile on so I am sucking it up and trying to detach and validate. I hate receiving pity. H predicted family/friends would react this way I was just so surprised how uncaring they are at all, I expected more concern. However, he has been dettaching from everyone for about a year so he has said and done some not so nice things to all of us.

This has me confused. Do you stay around and sepnd those last couple of days with memories or positive thoughts or do you make it clear this is not want you want and stay away - start going dark? I just cannot express enough that I don't want to be a doormat as he leaves. I need to send some kind of message that when he goes I won't be available. I've not been throwing tantrums and begging/and or pleading doesn't mean that I am okay with the D and his leaving.

Confused,
Michele
M 42 H 41
Together 23 yrs
M 16 yrs
H leaving Dec. 9th
Divorce in progress

[Chel]

Hi K,

Thanks for your post, I went and read some of your threads and yes you are right here we are at Christmas losing the ones we love. We are so concerned for them but yet so hurt by them. To be going through this a second time at same time of year has got to be emotionally gut wrenching. I am glad your girls are with you and I know it will be a good break to have some down and alone time because the rollercoaster of emotions is exhaustive and deterimental to our psyche.

I know after all this time I barely know what to expect from H from hour to hour and your posts indicate you are going through the same cycles. I do think it is best they sort these things out alone and live alone to see or try out what they think they are missing.

Reading many posts I feel comforted that many are going through the same behaviors and crazy cycles but I noticed in your post the comments how H can be completely normal or the way they used to behave and it can feel just so good. These times are special and I always thought they would mean a turn around of his attitude - but they were not and so I began to just cherish them. I feel sometimes being intimate feels right but have learned for right now it does not mean for me what it means for him - someday though maybe he will realize being intimate and yourself around someone you love is pretty good. That is the way I view life, content with simply things and for H that is not enough. At least that is what he believes.

I plan to validate his feelings, letting him know again this is not what I want, but that I love him and will set him free.

I sent another post before this one stating H is being thrown under the bus by family and friends as he tells the news that it actually almost makes me feel sorry for him. Why? With all his childish behavior I've almost come to view him as my child and I think I am trying to protect him sometimes from his fantasy life. So as you can tell dealing with doormat behavior, detaching and the final date plus divorce my emotions are all over the place.

I guess in some way I just cannot grasp H is finally leaving so maybe I have some denial also. It would just be so cool to have that one cool line to deliver (like in the movie Casablanca) to keep him reeling as he left - any ideas?

Well for right now I know my misery loves company and I am getting so much strength from all of you and I have grown and I have changed and the changes are for me and I like them. I am just looking forward to a day when I don't dread hearing bad news.

I could keep rambling but won't right now. I am thinking of you and sending positive wishes your direction.

My dad lives in Highlands Ranch and I could use a visit and some Colorado sunshine. Just checking if you live in the vicinity?

P.S. I had to accept a beautiful flower deliver today for, I am sorry to say, one of the meanest owners here, I could not believe this cotton headed ninnymuggins was getting these lovely orchids and I am getting a divorce! I just started laughing - go rent the movie Elf and you'll know why I called her that name. Go get a massage with the girls, go have a girls day this weekend. I am going to shop for a new couch, one that I like and have always wanted.

Michele
M 42
H 41
Together 23 yrs.
M 16 yrs
D in process
H leaving, moving out Dec. 9th

[kjensen]

Hey Chel,

Of course I know Elf-one of our favorite holiday movies, although D12 now likes 4 Christmases just as much...

I live in Louisville CO, about 10 miles to the east of Boulder..not too far(Colorado-wise) from Highlands Ranch. Let me know if you're out this way and we'll figure how to meet up.
If you are on FB you'll find me there(completely different name-long story)...I'll expand my FB to include being a fan of DBing once H leaves...I didn't want to post anything about separating or divorce this last year since H hadn't told his family about anything.


I understand wanting to leave him with a classic line like in Casablanca..but really I bet he'll block alot of (the leaving)it out of his mind.

Its funny what they do remember with all of the rewriting of history..H remembered last night what we did last New Year's Eve-we actually went out (a first) and ML all night despite the fact that he was moving out in days...it was my weak last ditch effort but H remembers it as a good time had by all.

I agree it may be easier on us in the long run letting them go at this point to spin around and figure things out, but it definitely is painful. I'm trying to stay calm by framing this as not a direct rejection of me, but of his unhappiness with his life(which he can't find the reason for)..

I believe in karma- you'll some random orchid someday or a great deal on the couch you love! Hang in there! I'll keep thinking of classic lines, just for fun.

[job]

Chel,
I've very sorry to read that he's still pushing ahead w/his fantasy plans. As far as taking him to the airport, I wouldn't do it. He wants to set forth on his journey, he will ring up and arrange for a cab to pick him up. Why put yourself through the emotional gut wrenching trip? You are a wonderful person and you should not have to taxi him to the airport. He's a grown man, made some very stupid decisions and it's time to let this birdie fly away from the nest to test life outside his nest.

Chel, as for his things, many of them will not take all of their belongings w/them. They are reminders of the life that they've left behind. I would pack them up and put them in the basement or storage area. You do not need to have those reminders in your face every day. If, at some point in time you move, you will need to decide then whether to keep them, sell them or just plain donate them. From what I've seen and experienced, they will only come back for those items that they truly think they will need and in some isntances, the items aren't needed at all, but just an excuse to touch base and keep you off balance.

Wish him the best and wave to him from the window on the 9th. Allow the cab driver to get him to the airport. On that day, do something special for yourself. You are not alone...you have family, friends, bb members and your kitty. Come here to chat, we will be here for you.

[addie]

Hi Chel,

There's not much you can do if H is all set on moving away. My H and I lived 2500 miles apart for a year after his PA ended. All you can do now is to fully detach and move forward. Don't initiate contact with him. If he does contact you, be pleasant and act as if. Your H has to go through his journey at his own pace. There are no guarantees that he'll maintain contact with you but if he does, casually let him know that you are living your life (not merely waiting around for him).
Is there an OW in the picture?

[Chel]

Hi K,

Oh my goodness, glad you are close to Boulder, have visited Pearl Street and had fun.

I read your post H moved out but seems like he is already having regrets. It must be hard to have him pop in and out like that, still have to walk on eggshells; on the other hand you probably like to see/hear from him. My H leaves Wednesday morning for Montreal and he had not resigned from work, we work together, so I blew that up with my boss today and am just shaking. H is also going to wire his share of the money market this afternoon is now trying to get a couple of grand more because H says he doesn't have a job yet and at least I am employed. I told him all weekend this has been his doing and I am not allowing him to use pity.

I also told him I would prefer if he find another ride to the airport. He said he would but I bet you he will end up putting me on the spot. And if I don't than he will blame me for trying to keep him here.

During the weekend there were some difficult and some very touching moments when H was himself. I had hoped he would decide he is making a mistake but I never once asked him. I can imagine how you were feeling now that I am going through this and I cannot believe how cold and shaky I feel - it sucks! We are talking new leather sofa hurt...

As for your H you have got a long road ahead but you sound amazing for how you have handled yourself and continue on with DB techniques. I am sure they gave you great advice during telephone counseling.

I am getting anxious also even after all this time H has no idea what he is in for...practicing keeping communication short if not at all. However, he is leaving enough loose ends open that I know we'll have to talk and I know that it won't be easy. So again just trying to stay calm and prepare myself.

I hope that a D never does actually go through for you and your H comes around to understanding the love of a family and sort out his issues very soon. Again sending you good wishes.

Take care and hugs,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Together 23 yrs.
Married 16 yrs.
D papers filed
H leaving 12/9

[Chel]

Hi Snodderly,

Thanks for the words of advice and wisdom. I appreciate your response on his belongings...I will pack them up this weekend because I will be staying here and it is not ideal for me to be in 'our place' however, it is what it is and I will at least making it my space.

I also told H I would not take him to airport but if I did have to I can do it...have left the afternoon open for crying my eyes out and than trying to line up a dinner out.

It appears as though all the months of walking on eggshells is coming to an end and it just seems like a really bad nightmare.

No doubt I will be filling these pages in the next couple of days and to know that I will receive so much support and good advice is really what is holding me up.

Thanks and hugs,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Together 23 yrs.
Married 16 yrs.
D papers filed
H moving out 12/9