I am trying to get a little more insight into how I can work on myself (Get A Life) while working on the practical aspects of my situation. You can get catch up on my situation in the Newcomers forum under 'Time to 'fess up'. My wife continues to push for divorce. She says that she knows we cannot change living arrangements because our finances are in such disarray. But, she would like to file by early December. Meantime, she still sticks to saying she wants to do what is best for the kids, but acknowledges that she knows every counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist would recommend trying to work on our marriage, and she isn't willing to do that. Her reason for wanting to hurry is so she can get her finances in order. But, she still continues to use our joint account as she wishes, even for things that are clearly not 'joint' expenses. I am working a combination of 180 changes in my behavior plus some aspects of last resort. I am having trouble trying to set boundaries; specifically, is there a way to make her understand that my hesitancy to support (or even just not object) to her plans centers mainly around the effects on our kids. Yes, I want to save our marriage and make it the healthy, happy, intimate, loving blend of lives that marriages should be. Also, I can't figure how hard a line to draw with finances. We have finally come to an understanding that she can't use our account for major things, but I need her to respect that my putting everything into our account is out of love and the desire to support our family. If she no longer wants the marriage, I don't think she is entitled to use the money (e.g. has frequently planned family trips that I couldn't attend due to work). Finally, I can use a 2x4 to the head to remind me (with some examples) that I cannot believe anything she says and only 1/2 of what she does, that I can only work on myself, and anything else the community thinks I am being blind to.
Thanks in advance.
Me (47) W (42) D (18) adopted 2 years ago from Russia S (almost 16), S (13) M 19 years Bomb 10/09
"Ask, and ye shall receive. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened unto you."
Sandi2, At present there is not much choice practically. I have no problems with this, but if we are going to live in the same house why not just a 'separation'? I have asked and I can't say I get a coherent answer.
Me (47) W (42) D (18) adopted 2 years ago from Russia S (almost 16), S (13) M 19 years Bomb 10/09
"Ask, and ye shall receive. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened unto you."
I don't see it practical to be D and living under the same roof. That would be hell on earth, I would think. But hopefully nothing more than a S will come. A S is impractical but so many couples are having to do it due to financial reasons. I would think the pressure of trying to go separate ways and yet live under the same roof would be awful.
Okay, keep coming back to tell us more about your stitch. I just wanted to make sure I understood that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am having trouble trying to set boundaries; specifically, is there a way to make her understand that my hesitancy to support (or even just not object) to her plans centers mainly around the effects on our kids.
Therein lies one of your biggest problems if she is considering the two of you S.
I think you need to give up for right now in trying to make her understand anything from your POV. It will to a R every time and end in an argument. She probably has her heart closed to anything you have to say at this time. However, that is no reason to allow her to dictate to you how or what the children will do. This is probably going to be a very tough area.....especially living under the same roof while S. The kids are exposed to their parents stitch. Try to not show any anger toward your W or say anything to the kids in a negative way about their mother. It would be good if the two of you could reach that decision....but again, she may not listen to reason.
As the man in the family, you need to make your statements with "I have decided....." whenever you are setting boundaries. It shows strength and leadership. Be prepared to enforce whatever you set as a boundary. If she does not respect you, then she will fight you where the kids are concerned and test you to see if she can bully you. I hope you will not misunderstand how I mean this statement of saying "I have decided". You do not want to appear that you are bulldozing over her, but to make a stand as the man in the house. In the past, if you have given over to whatever she has said goes regarding the kids.....then this will be something new to her! Be armed and ready. Don't argue and stand firm.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I agree that it would virtually impossible to stay under one roof after divorce. Separation will be hard enough on everyone. I may be making some progress on the 'divorce now' issue. Your other advice seems very on target; one of the things that I have noticed in looking for things that work is that assertive statements set a much better tone than any sort of equivocal statements. I will work very hard to keep the anger or confusion re: W actions. Can't control her behavior. Thank you again for your input, so far helpful and also great to know there are people out there to support me (and that I can help).
Me (47) W (42) D (18) adopted 2 years ago from Russia S (almost 16), S (13) M 19 years Bomb 10/09
"Ask, and ye shall receive. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened unto you."
There are so many good people here to support you. Everyone on the board is either a LBS or a WAS and can either tell you from that POV or at least sympathize. Either way, you get support! I think that the more a person will come and give an update or journal, the more support will be given. Tell us what you can. Reach out and go to other people's threads and post to them. That will build up your support group.
There will be days you will feel down but don't give up. Somebody is always around on the board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
