Well went to our first MC session yesterday and I completely backslid after the session as I had done the whole weekend.
My W started by saying that she was only there out of respect and that she was finished, that was hard to hear as she had told me she would go with an open heart.
During the session the MC asked what she fell in love with about me. She could only answer "my smile" the MC asked if there was anything else and she said she could not think of anything.
What made me realize that my W is really looking at things from a very skewed angle was when the MC asked if there had been any physical abuse in the R and my W said YES! When we were younger we had a few arguments where we would throw things at each other, grab each others arms, she would dig her nails into my arms or I would grab her by the arm and say don't walk away from me etc. but I have never struck, hit kicked or done anything to my W and for the last 8 years I have not even touched her like I described above, so that was a low blow.
She basically painted a picture of me as an abusive drug addict, and she was not prepared to take any blame what so ever in the M being in the stage it is in.
At the end of the session the MC asked if we would like to book any more sessions and surprisingly my W said yeas and booked another session next week.
On the way home I was shell shocked by what had been said an leveled at me. After she had dropped me off at the office I decided I need to tell her Farther (I work for him) what was going on. I told him everything including that I had smoked Marijuana until the beginning of this year as I did not want it to come out from my W, He was understanding and said he would try to support in any way he could.
After this my W phoned she said something that provoked me and I lost it and told her that the picture she painted of me in MC was not who I was and that she is seeing the world through very different eyes. I whent on to say that I was not perfect but that I was a good person etc. When I got home we continued to fight and she said to me that there was almost no hope from her side, She did not want me to have any false hope & that too much had been done etc. I then reverted back to my old ways of saying we needed to give at least 1 good try, that it was worth saving for our S etc. etc, the usual.
I for the first time do not think that there is a way forward anymore and don't know if I have the strength to try to make it work. I love her with all my heart, my life will be turned upside down, but I feel broken and don't know how to get up after this, I did not sleep at all night, Tried to talk again to W this morning even though I know each time I do I push her further & further away. I really do not know what to do from here.
You need to stop trying to talk to her about this. Let it happen only at the MC office. At least then there is a referee. Next time, if you disagree with her, say so. Not an argument, but a calm thoughtful statement. The WAS does re-write the history of the marriage to justify her actions, so she is going to see it differently. But her description doesn't need to be the only one out there.
When you are with her, just try to be nice and have a good time with her. Bury the hatchet. Ask her to bury the hatchet too. After that treat her AT LEAST as well as you would treat a stranger. Say hello, goodbye, thank you, please, etc. Remember, at least as well as you would treat a stranger.
One thing going for you is that you're going to MC. When my W left, she said NO. You should encourage her to go for more MC as much as possible.
The last 3 months I have been trying to detach, and that's what you should be doing. Please read DR or DB book if you haven't already.
Do not talk about the R at all. Always agree and validate her--no arguing as Lotus says. Even when you know you're right, do not argue, just say 'I can understand you feel that way' and let it go at that. Right now, I am trying to just be the best friend to my W, this is what you should be doing, too.
What I've learned here is that you should not believe anything she says and only half the things she does. Detaching goes against our natural inclinations to beg, cry, or talk W into staying. But, it is for our best interest in that it will allow us to move forward with a clearer mind. I am in this process currently. It is a rollercoaster, but when I take my mind off of saving the R and focus on moving ahead, I actually feel better. Somehow this cloud that hangs around my head moves away.
Bottom line is: any interactions with W should be with unconditional love--even though you are putting your heart right where she can smack it with a 2 by 4. Remember, don't believe anything she says. She is confused and it will take time for her to really consider what she is doing. So, by being patient and detaching, you will save yourself and make her realize eventually what she will potentially lose. I hope this makes sense.
What made me realize that my W is really looking at things from a very skewed angle was when the MC asked if there had been any physical abuse in the R and my W said YES! When we were younger we had a few arguments where we would throw things at each other, grab each others arms, she would dig her nails into my arms or I would grab her by the arm and say don't walk away from me etc. but I have never struck, hit kicked or done anything to my W and for the last 8 years I have not even touched her like I described above, so that was a low blow.
She basically painted a picture of me as an abusive drug addict, and she was not prepared to take any blame what so ever in the M being in the stage it is in.
Do you understand why these things are a problem for your wife? The very skewed angle is your wife's perspective whether you agree or not.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Do you understand why these things are a problem for your wife? The very skewed angle is your wife's perspective whether you agree or not.
Agree 100% with this. You need to realize that for her these issues are major problems so it will do no good for you to say she has a 'skewed view.' It will push her away. My advice is to try to remain calm around her and do not discuss anything that you guys brought up at MC outside of MC, as it seems it will exacerbate things. The above poster was right in saying that you have one good thing going...that you are both going to counseling. That means you both are willing to try. Don't be mean toward her. I wish you luck.
