She doesn't love me anymore...or does she?

[confusedafter16]

Thanks Arwen...sounds like a trip to the bookstore after work is in order. I am really feeling lost. I am great at dealing with facts and determining best course of action from there. I am clearly BAD at understanding remotely what my W is feeling and what to do.

[Ready2Change]

I too was frustrated on this board because there are one or two folks who keep insisting my wife is having an affair. I just don't understand why some jump right to that conclusion everytime.

They jump to that conclusion because the truth of most sitch is that S is in an affair. They have read enough threads and watched it unfold.

Do you want to know how many time I have read this: "My S said she is not having an affair and I believe her"? I said that. What(Who) gave my spouse the courage to rip my family apart? I did not snoop. I worked on me. Truth will come with time. I heard this line from people "I saw her with him". Did she have an A? I now believe so. With that said, I am the only one on this board that did not say "O my god, i was snooping and my W is having an affair!".

Be prepared for the worse, and hope/pray/believe for the best.

Amazing how the woman that you love can look you in the eye stone faced and that she doesn't love you anymore.

They have been seduced by someone else. Question all your belief's. Make positive change to YOU. Find your MOJO and become sexy again.

Holy S$%t, are you kidding? I just don't get it.

Now you know EVERYTHING about your W. The blinders are off. This is a confusing time. Take the opportunity to work on YOU.

I am following the advice of being happy and cordial but not talking too much, but I really haven't got a clue on what to do to actually appeal to her.

I committed to personal growth. The self help section of the book store is great. I listed my favorite books on first post of my thread.

I really believe (without anything concrete to base it on) that W is having regrets about being "a wife" and "a mother" and not feeling successful as an individual.

Quit possible. My wife believed that getting married would "Make her happy". My wife believed having kids would "make her happy". My wife believed that D me would make her happy. MsR2C is NOT HAPPY. Happiness comes from within. I am happy. I do not put my happiness in other peoples hands. (YES I learned this from going through this process)

If you LOVE her, set her free to find her happiness. Give her space to miss you. Do not pressure her. She will focus on you and blame you for her unhappiness.

[Ready2Change]

...I am clearly BAD at understanding remotely what my W is feeling

Good place to work on YOU. I can read most people very well right now.

and what to do.

Take your focus OFF W and put it on YOU. Both people need to go through this without each other. Get support from other people. Practice new skills behavior with other people. Have fun with other people.

[confusedafter16]

Good advice R2C, thank you. Do you recommend that I continue working on me and don't broach any converstations relative to what's next for us....D, S, etc?

[Ready2Change]

I am a man and it is easy for me to 2x4 you.

I have also learned compassion. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. It is very hard. It is very confusing. How are you feeling?

[confusedafter16]

Honestly....I am feeling better as a man lately (working out, eating right, etc.), but feeling very afraid of losing W. I do love her and have since before we married. Until recently, we had the story book marriage that everyone wanted. Best friends, lovers, business partners, spouse...BLAH BLAH BLAH. That has come crashing down.

[Ready2Change]

Good advice R2C, thank you. Do you recommend that I continue working on me and don't broach any conversations relative to what's next for us....D, S, etc?

Set your focus to "LIVE RIGHT NOW". Reflect on the past and commit to doing better. DO NOT FEAR the future for it is not hear yet. Deal with things when they come. Pull way back on R and learn as much as you can about women, flirting, seduction, etc....Test things out on others and W. Have fun doing it.

[Kittyfish]

Okay, I'm weighing in here as a FWAW. I had an affair in my first marriage.

First of all- no one wants to admit it because they don't want to have to take the blame for the marriage not working- they want to blame it all on you. That's called blameshifting.

I had been married 13 years- had two awesome kids-I attended the same church for 15 years- was a Sunday School teacher for years.
If anyone would have told me that I would ever end up having an affair I would have said no way- in fact I judged others who had.

The reason we're all jumping to infidelity is because what she is saying and doing isn't unique to us-it is to you but not to us. Cheaters pretty much all say the same things to their spouse when in an affair. I've done tons of reading on this subject and been a member of several relationship boards where I have seen it happen over and over again.

My exhusband had me dead to rights with my phone detail and I still wouldn't admit it to him. Looked him, my exinlaws, and my pastor dead in the eye and told them I was not.

She's enjoying you guys being friends right now and she's hoping you guys can have a friendly divorce- so she doesn't have to take responsibility for the things she has done. Plus, she's allowing you to meet certain needs right now- and she's letting the potential OM meet some as well.

If she wants to go she can-kids if any stay with you in the marital home for their comfort. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BED.

All I'm asking is that you dig just a little bit to verify if she's telling the truth. Getting the detailed cell phone bill would be telling and pretty easy to obtain.

Trust but verify should be your rule now.

Contact an attorney to see what your rights are.

In case you didn't hear me the first time- DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. If she wants to leave she can but you will not be paying her rent- car note or bills- see that's all part of that independence she says she wants so bad. Usually WAW are so unprepared to see what it's really like financially- and they expect their BH to continue to tote the note on their expenses.

[Ready2Change]

... feeling very afraid of losing W....

Face your fears my friend. This fear is what actually creates this in your life. Your fear affects your behavior. Eliminate the fear and accept things for how they are. You have not lost your wife, but if you fear loosing her, you WILL.

Changing your belief system takes work. All the 180's are key to this. Are you controlling, then stop controlling. Are you passive, then be aggressive. Are you a slob, become neat. etc...

[confusedafter16]

Hi Kittyfish, thanks for your insight on this. I checked cell phone records last night, and I didnt see any glaring recurring calls or repeated long conversations to any one number, many of which I recognize. Are you recommending calling any attorney because you don't believe thier is any hope? I have to tell you that I am not ready to throw in the towel, you know?