I haven't pushed H to have an R discussion since the night of the bomb...(have come close but managed to avoid pushing him further when I realized he wasn't ready to talk)...been using the time to look at myself. H hasn't moved out yet and said he's still figuring out his "plans". Well it's been about 2 months now and I think I know enough about myself to write him a letter now. This letter might not seem very DB or 180 but really in my situation...trust me it is! (As much as I never wanted to be...have come to see I was a shrew!) I'd appreciate feedback especially from the husbands out there...I hope H will see my honesty in what I say and that this is from the heart. So what would you think guys if your wife wrote you a letter like this?
Dear H,
I've been doing a lot of thinking since the start of our separation and the conversation we had the other weekend. I thought I would try something different and write what I've learned so far in a letter because what I need to say is not easy at all for me but I need to be honest with you.
As much as it hurts me, I've come to realize that I respect your decision to ask for a separation. You absolutely did not deserve to be treated the way I treated you! I've had to take a hard look at my lack of appreciation and disrespect I've shown you in the past and it makes me cringe. I think I justified my actions because I looked around and it didn't seem like I was acting much different than all the other wives I see...but now know that is no excuse. I honestly wonder how we stayed married as long as we have.
I think you've asked me why, if we were both so unhappy and if I am sure I don't want our marriage to be the way it used to be, why I don't just accept the separation and give up...let it happen. I know you've stated that you are not asking me to change and you don't think people can change. I agree people can't change their core soul but I can change my actions and habits. There is a side of myself that I haven't even shown myself much less you...and with your firm yet loving guidance I feel I could be the type of wife that would bring you happiness.
I married you above all others not only because you're handsome, kind, thoughtful, smart, and have a sense of humor (all great qualities of course!) but also because you were the strongest, most manly man I've ever met. (I've given this tons of thought the past few months and I am very serious about the absolute truth of this statement even though my treatment of you during the marriage certainly did not show this as I should have.) This is your home, your family, your wife, and your decision. I trust and respect you to do whatever is best no matter what your decision is. Whatever happens next I leave completely and totally in your hands. Whether I like it or not, any decision you make I will follow.
Thank you for reading the letter. No, I'm not expecting a response back. If I am honest about leaving things up to him then seeing absolutely no acknowledgement to my letter is a likely option on his part that I need to accept.
I guess this is why I'm hoping for some guy feedback here...it's obvious from how I ended up here that I have a lot to learn about men!
BC37, What's the goal of the letter? What's your main point you want him to get?
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think most of the letter is good. But I think you go too far with the last three sentences. You should not be giving up complete control of your life to him. What if he wants to do a murder-suicide? Would you do that with him? Come on! Just ask him to have a discussion, or go to marriage counseling, or go to Retrouvaille. But don't offer to jump off a cliff!
See what you're saying coach. Actions speak louder than words & I've been taking those new respectful actions more & more these last few months. My goals with the letter are: * Be honest about my mistakes. * Communicate this in a different format(letter) with no pressure for immediate feedback. * Provide a basis for him to understand why I am acting different. * take a risk of opening up which I haven't in a very long time.
So from responses so far I get the impression that my honesty doesn't ring true to the guys? Guess I'll put the letter in an envelope and read it again in a few days as a gut-check.
Do you guys agree with Lotus? (He's not a dangerous person or messed up in the head!) Marriage is about trust and respect... I was showing little of that...being a brat basically.
* Be honest about my mistakes.* Communicate this in a different format(letter) with no pressure for immediate feedback. * Provide a basis for him to understand why I am acting different. * take a risk of opening up which I haven't in a very long time.
Then do it. Show him. What are his LLs? Open up by sharing. He knows why you are doing what you are doing.
I don't think the letter is dishonest it's not a great tool to get the job done. If you think that a letter helps in your sitch then apologise for your behavior and share this: "I married you because you're handsome, kind, thoughtful, smart, and have a sense of humor. And you are the strongest, manliest man on the planet."
Short and to the point. A man wants to know you have been thinking about the issues not feeling them.
And what Lotus is saying, don't bow down to him but respect him and be a partner. A man wants his wife to think, have a opinion, be involved, and be supportive.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think the letter is a great doc. I am not sure it will elicit a response. I believe WAS have their brains frozen in time. Most remember the bad things you did and cant forgive/forget them so they are blind to the new sitch and changes. And others still wont acknowledge the changes as it make stheir decision to leave a bad one and WAS do not make bad decessions.
I am not sure about all your sitch but if H said you were controlling this could be construde as controlling by trying to get him to talk about the sitch. I tried this and was tried and convicted by my W as being controlling. I have found in the few times I have taken my own and others advise...let it breathe and come back to it later and see if it makes sense.
My heart goes out to you. Like many here say every sitch is different although the script seems the same.
