......my strength is not meant to be used to fight the feelings - to prevent them from being present...my strength is meant to keep me from getting consumed by the feelings, overwhelmed by them. My strength is there to remind me that I am more than what I feel in any given moment.
Still so much work...
Wow, V. This so hit home to me!!!! I have struggled so much off and on with my feelings in my sitch. I know what I need/want to do in my head, but just when I feel like I am really coming out of the tunnel, I seem to have another "emotional cave in" and I get so very discouraged with myself! But, I think you are right. Strength is not in fighting the feelings, but accepting them.......although not being defined by them!
And I wholeheartedly identify with everything you have said about your work suffering. My level of concentration and productivity have really suffered. My boss is supportive, but I also see some frustration there too. He married for the first time at 58 years old (just a couple years ago), so he is not so very understanding of where I am an emotionally......but he does try which I am thankful for.
Hang in there, V!!!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
My strength is there to remind me that I am more than what I feel in any given moment.
Hi V, Sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stuff deep inside of you - I can see why that would be scary. Your last post said a lot about how ready you are for what comes next - particularly the realization (reminder?) that one moment should not define you...
I don't like to teach fiction writing, but I did have to do that once when I was a graduate student - and the one piece of advice I heard myself giving the students over and over again was not to believe that they think of their writing while their writing it - but to let it be - and come back to it later if necessary - and then see what works, what doesn't - which seemed to be more obvious when one allowed oneself to step away from the frenzy (real or implied) of inspiration. I think the same can be said for how we take to seeing ourselves - to accepting the end of a marriage as part of a period of revelation - since there are many moments that emerge when a relationship dies - but none of those moments are "true" all on their own - each moment of revelation and understanding is just a part of the new whole that we're piecing together as ourselves...though I don't believe (thankfully) that it's ever a puzzle that reveals a complete picture - only meaningful vignettes.
No, neither route are pleasent. But, on a positive, be greatful there aren't any kids involved, uggh, I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world (ok, maybe a girl ) but that really complicated the D process and the recovering process.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
He leaves, I was the one who wanted to work to improve/save the marriage (that is, until I realized I no longer wanted the relationship either)...I have done the work to cope, process, survive and eventually truly begin to find myself and heal.
Here's my gripe. I am irritated that I am the one who had to (1) hire an attorney; (2)find him an attorney; (3)explain litigation to him at every turn; (4)get the separation agreement drafted and ultimately signed; (5) get the divorce complaint filed...
and now I am the one who has to deal with the pain of the name change...all those letters, calls and visits to change my name...the bank, SSA, passport, DMV, law license, credit cards, lease, the list goes on...ugh...
) but that really complicated the D process and the recovering process.