Do I even care what happens anymore?

[Buttercup37]

Thanks Rabbit! I'd say Halloween isn't quite there yet...but it is approaching Christmas status here in US - I'd say it's bigger than Easter now for sure! (Talking celebration and marketingwise...not spiritually-wise of course.)

Well this seperation has certainly become this HUGE period of growth and getting to know myself better! Last night after closing the door on ineffective marriage counseling the universe guided me to what part of myself I need to explore next. I think I've known this deep hidden part of myself was a big part of the cause of our marriage problems - but it's not the type of thing it's easy to talk to my H about even when we were getting along on best terms! Not to be all mysterious but just haven't explored this thing enough to feel like I can talk about it even on an anonymous forum yet. But basically it's an emotional/sexual intimacy thing that I had always thought I needed H to read my mind and take the lead on...but now I see that is not necessarily so...I've been going about this all wrong.

Maybe it sounds crazy but I am learning so much from this situation...I'm kinda grateful that H stood up for his unhappiness and dropped the bomb. My life will never be the same after this...and that is a good thing.

[ClingingToHope]

Maybe it sounds crazy but I am learning so much from this situation...I'm kinda grateful that H stood up for his unhappiness and dropped the bomb. My life will never be the same after this...and that is a good thing.

I sometimes feel that way as well -- if we didn't separate I would never have figured out the things I was doing wrong and needed to improve -- but I struggle with the fact my W might never give me the chance to put my new skills into effect with her.

[cbih]

We're sharing a brain again today, Buttercup!

I've spent the summer and fall doing a LOT of reading, which has helped immensely. But then, researching (applying the term very loosely) is kind of my "thing" and always has been--I had just never applied it to my personal life before.

Some books I have found to be very enlightening:

--Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
--Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnston (recommended by MC)
--Mating in Captivity by Ester Parel (just got this one over the weekend...only about halfway through, but so far it's been very good)
--Passionista by Ian Kerner (highly recommended! Quick easy read, full of good USEFUL information on the physical relationship, so to speak)

[Buttercup37]

I also don't always believe I deserve a second chance when I think of some of the mistakes I've made with H...but I know I want one and it's up to H to decide in the end. Meanwhile what I can to is keep trying to understand myself better so that I will be a better person.

[goodattitudegirl]

cbih,

Thanks for the book recommendations. These books are good too:

--How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.
--Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix.
--The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real.
--I Do Again by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs (this one is very interesting because it tells the story from the perspective of the WAW and LBS)

I've read the Seven Principles for Making Marriage work too. Interesting because it's based on objective research.

Buttercup, it sounds as though you have turned your mental state around from a couple days ago. Good work! I'm going to call you "good attitude buttercup (GAB)".

GAG

[Buttercup37]

Well not much new since last I posted? I had composed several letters but gave him none of them...my gut just says this is not the time to do anything major on my part. We had one R talk about a week ago because otherwise I would have gone insane. Despite him confirming "people don't change" "You're not going to change my mind" ...but him also saying that he had been still too busy to decide what he wanted to do next and he doesn't want to hurt the kids. I don't care if it's non-DB - this reality-check & chance to let out some of my pent-up feelings was really good for me. I thanked him then and also later for listening to and talking with me. My point of view is that he's still in the house and he's still in the bed....so in order to cope with this mind-bending type of separation - I am going to need to do a little R-like talk once in awhile or else go insane! And I have kids so I can't afford to allow the insaneness to win! If he decides to walk out the door - then obviously all bets are off and my behavior would be much more like most of you guys & gals here!

We did end up having sex a little less than a week ago. It was very enjoyable but I don't read anything major into it. It's a nice little good sign or goal achieved & lots of fun of course! Okay....it was flipping awesome in every way! He's such a great lover when he wants to be...and I'd like to think also good luck to him finding a woman as good in the bedroom too as me!

Sex hasn't happened since but also I haven't seen him seem to withdraw from me emotionally more afterwards...was a little worried that might happen but no changes noticed. Using what I've learned from LHF about respect, our day-to-day interactions and communications are still continuing to be full of respect and consideration on both sides.

I really don't think there is much more I can do on my end in this relationship so I'm trying to look at things I want to do for myself - Long put off house cleaning and changes around the house. Have a business trip (conference) to go to next week and plan to have a great time there! He's at a cabin-weekend with the guys from work that we both know and I'm having a nice girls weekend with my little girls so far. I was worried that sleeping alone last night I would feel really lonely but honestly it was no problem. (So I feel more confident now that if he leaves, I won't have any problems sleeping.)

Sorry this is so long but guess maybe more has happened than I realized!

[Lost Rabbit]

Obviously if you need to talk about things about the kids thats fine, but try to avoid the R talk if at all possible. It good that you were able to get close and it didnt seem to get too big a pull back. Personally I'd enjoy your times away separately and get on with blitzing the house cleaning, it will keep your mind off things and also show H you are coping regardless of his upsetting the apple cart! Dont worry about getting used to sleeping alone its great you get the whole bed to yourself and in my case the cat, but I now it feels odd when H stays over. Glad to hear you are well though!