Im glad your son is doing ok. How awful, just adds more on top of everything youre already going thru. Take some time. Take care of your family, by all means take care of yourself!
There were too many stressful situations all happening in my life at the same time and I just could not handle being challenged on this issue. I hope you all understand, and I hope I did not offend anyone.
I needed to take some time and think things through.
I still do not agree with the "pathological liar" statement, dictionary definition or not. I know who my H was for 18 years before this sitch, and that doesn't just disappear into thin air. If I am even going to CONSIDER restoring this M, which obviously I am or I wouldn't be here, I have to be able to see the good in him and see hope in him for the future. A label like that is destructive, black and white, and I don't find it helpful. Maybe that's just me, but that is my stand.
In the meantime.... by doing things "my way"...lol.... there has continued to be much positive progress. H has been doing a lot of expressions of genuine remorse, recognizing areas of hurt and betrayal to me that he previously tried to minimize, seeking out IC for himself, agreeing to resume MC when we both feel ready etc. Also - HE brought forward to ME an article he found online about how essentail NO CONTACT is in a sitch like this and how he agrees with it. That was at his iniative... and why? Because I was not hammering him over the head with it and demanding it. Prior to their break up OW was being extrememly demanding. My strategy was to be the opposite while still having my boundaries firmly in place, which I did. He said that is exactly what has helped him begin to see the difference between the quality of R we have always had and the "illusion" (as he now calls it) with OW.
I know my H well, and I know that for lasting change for him, conclusions like these need to be reached on his own... not through demands on my part.
That is why I have chosen the path I have chosen.
My H and I are making progress... in stages.... as I communicate one boundary at a time, and he comes to his own conclusions about them as well, so he can OWN them.
This is working for me.
My H is truly almost out of the fog... his thinking is changing, his "script" is almost completely gone, he is completely engaged with the kids again, he is home almost all the time immediately after work, etc etc.
I am not just blindly or naively accepting all these things without seeing that we are still in a danger zone for quite a while. I've been doing lots of reading on all of this. I know I have to be cautious. I know we need to keep working on the re-building of trust. I know I have to be firm on what I need for that. I know I need to keep workin on me, GALing and 180s.
But, there is hope! and that is what I have prayed for for so long and I am going to also let myself hold on to that... taking things cautiously one day at a time.
I just mentioned on another thread that hope is what keeps us alive. It keeps us happy, and we all want to be happy people and live happy lives. So keep up with the hope, your sitch sounds awesome and good luck to you! I feel you when you speak of the danger zone. My H moved home two days ago, and danger zone is right. I will be following up with your sitch to see how it progresses! Good luck!
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I'm glad you're feeling better! I was very worried about you.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
Also - HE brought forward to ME an article he found online about how essentail NO CONTACT is in a sitch like this and how he agrees with it. That was at his iniative... and why? Because I was not hammering him over the head with it and demanding it. Prior to their break up OW was being extrememly demanding. My strategy was to be the opposite while still having my boundaries firmly in place, which I did. He said that is exactly what has helped him begin to see the difference between the quality of R we have always had and the "illusion" (as he now calls it) with OW.
I would agree with you, that you know your husband best. I only want to suggest you think about something. The difference between:
STRATEGY TACTICS DEMEANOR/TONE
(and there's a reason I have them in that order)
I think there are ways to do the 3rd that your husband will respond to, and even your tactics may be best. I would urge you not to change the STRATEGY, however, of what works best.
See if you can't find ways to GET TO some of the things that we were hammering you about above, while using a softer tone with your husband and modifying some of the tactics somewhat.
I'm all for incremental victories, when necessary. I also just know that buildings can burn down when you let pyromaniacs play with the matches "for just a little bit." No one is doubting whether this is "working for you." We just want to make sure it stays that way . . . for your sake.
RW, I'm glad you're back and are in a better state of mind.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
My H and I are making progress... in stages.... as I communicate one boundary at a time, and he comes to his own conclusions about them as well, so he can OWN them. This is working for me.
EXCELLENT and very wise. I keep saying to the ladies, don't overload us poor men...
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
RW, I'm glad you're back and are in a better state of mind.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
My H and I are making progress... in stages.... as I communicate one boundary at a time, and he comes to his own conclusions about them as well, so he can OWN them. This is working for me.
EXCELLENT and very wise. I keep saying to the ladies, don't overload us poor men...
Dear RDW, I am glad to hear you're feeling a little better. I am sorry your son was in an accident but glad he's OK. Sometimes life overwhelms when stuff piles on to an already extremely difficult situation. I've been following along, not posting much b/c don't think I can add value to the advice you're getting. But I cheered you on before & want you to know I still am totally rooting for you. I admire your strength & conviction. Peace to you.
I'm glad you're feeling better! I was very worried about you.
I would agree with you, that you know your husband best. I only want to suggest you think about something. The difference between:
STRATEGY TACTICS DEMEANOR/TONE
(and there's a reason I have them in that order)
I think there are ways to do the 3rd that your husband will respond to, and even your tactics may be best. I would urge you not to change the STRATEGY, however, of what works best.
See if you can't find ways to GET TO some of the things that we were hammering you about above, while using a softer tone with your husband and modifying some of the tactics somewhat.
I'm all for incremental victories, when necessary. I also just know that buildings can burn down when you let pyromaniacs play with the matches "for just a little bit." No one is doubting whether this is "working for you." We just want to make sure it stays that way . . . for your sake.
Puppy
awww.... thanks for your concern Puppy, it really does mean a lot. You have been incredibly helpful to me, and this post is another example.
Your above advice makes a lot of sense to me, and I know that I cannot relax on these things. That is a good way to look at it.... and my H definitely does respond to tone/demeanour when it is softer. I will definitely keep that in mind.
We have been taking time every evening to talk things through one more stage at a time. Most of this we have been able to do with soft tones, even holding hands at times. When it starts to get heated, we choose to stop there and come back to it later. This has been working quite well.
Thanks again.... Puppy, you have patience that is rare (hmmmmm.... is there a St. Puppy, or St. PTD... maybe we should petition the Catholic Church.... lol!) I don't know how you keep walking people through all these sitches, but I, for one am so grateful.
Thanks also to those of you who are stopping by, reading, encouraging me, hanging in there with me... you are appreciated! I haven't had much emotional energy for stopping by other threads lately, but I remember the DB community in my prayers often.
IC appt. today.... gonna ask to work on continuing to strengthen my sense of self and my assertiveness skills!
Good to see you back RDW... I write because I care about my RDW... You are the first out of our class Aug / Sept 2009 who is here.... You know I am cheering you on.
