Hope is the thing with feathers....

[antlers]

His parting comment to me this week-end was

"I'm sorry I was unable to find a path back to us for you, that was safe and kind"

I replied.. yep me too.

What do you think of his parting comment Bridge? Do you think it was compassionate, honest, and him 'owning' his transgressions?

[Bridgestone]

I think it was compassionate, honest, and him 'owning' that he feels he did all he could to shine the light home in a way that was safe and kind.

This is part of the reasons I probably waffled as long as I did with him... this ability, on occassion to be insightful into what I need & he could provide: compassion, kindness and safety led me to think he could do it with more regularity & consistency

sadly, the other neglectful and abusive behaviours interspersed between the kindness & compassion, negated the safety. What I called his Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde persona.

I never knew who was going to walk in the door after he had worked an 18 hour day, or make an appearance during an argument. I walked on eggshells too long, especially between the last 2 incidents.

Comments like that make me sad, because I see glimmers of hope for the man he could grow into ...

I hope for his sake, the sake of his children and future partner, he finds a way to do that. I won't wait around any longer to see if he chooses to figure it out & actually do the work.

Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

It is a sad thing to be able to see glimpses of what 'could be' and just not being able to wait anymore for his changes to be consistent and permanent, or even know if they ever will be.

It is also a sad thing for someone to make the changes and have them really be consistent and permanent, and not be given a chance.

[Bridgestone]

well,
almost there..
StbXH has called the past 3 mornings way too early. I thought we were past this.

First one was about the name change.. something I had informed him & the mediator about through an email 2 weeks ago... why it had to come out at 4:05am Tuesday morning.. I'll never know.. but it did... nasty viscious gutteral pain.. dumped on me.

2nd one, yesterday was about his failure as a father since our D15 & S20 got into a nasty fight and S20 told him afterwards that I should come back & get our daughter & get her away from him because he's ruining her. S20 left to go back to college & not on so good terms with his Dad.

His facebook update read...

Seeing my life. Flash backwards in light. Understanding is a cruel wife.

Not sure what he understands now... or if it's just the jaded understanding of a myopic 20 year old who thinks he's 'lived life' now that he's been on his own for 2 years.

Sadly, my heart breaks for him if he does truly understand how unhealthy this R was for years. The debate about staying married fro the sake of the children strikes a chord with me because I still wonder how much healthier my children would be if they hadn't been exposed to the unhealthiness of the R they witnessed as their main role model for a marriage.. the unhealthy ways we communicated, the unhealthy ways we 'loved' each other, argued, walked on eggshells, unresolved conflict, co-parented, divided household chores, etc....

so many unhealthy things we showed them as 'normal'.... staying for the sake of the kids, seeing the effect of their learned behaviour on their interactions with others as they move into adulthood... sometimes I think was a great disservice than leaving.


3rd phone call was this morning.. he has an appointment to sign D papers, still not sure why he hasn't gone to sign them his lawyer has had them long enough...
again more gutteral visceral pain dumped on me for the 'ending of our marriage'

I responded .."yep, I filed for Divorce, I signed the papers first... but you 'ended' it when you headbutted me, when I was trying to apologize to you 6 months ago."

Which is the real marriage ender? I'll let God decide.


I am indulging in much self-care this week-end.
A dear friend is coming in from the States on Saturday for his spring break week and I'm looking forward to a nice week with him here.

I'm using the unused portion of the retainer from my lawyer to take care of me. I have a reflexology & pedicure for this afternoon and a massage & facial tomorrow.

Ahhh... calgon take me away!


Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

Hello Bridge.

Why does he call so early?

Was it his pain that he dumped on you?

Kids are the innocent victims in this crap. Does he love the kids?

Whose FaceBook update are you talking about?

I don't know about him, but I do understand how unhealthy our own relationship was for years. Our kids would have been better off had they not been exposed to the unhealthiness of the relationship they witnessed as their main role model for a marriage...the unhealthy ways we communicated, the unhealthy ways we 'loved' each other, argued, walked on eggshells, unresolved conflict, co-parented, divided household chores, etc.. I do know that. However, given the fact that I never denied the role that I played or the mistakes that I made, I shouldered them, all of them, I owned them and took responsibility...and I changed for the better...much better...I do believe the kids would have been better off, much better off, had I been given a chance by their mother, instead of the way their lives are now because of the decisions that their mother has made.

If kids are resilient regarding their parents separation and divorce, then they can certainly be resilient regarding the changes that a parent makes that will make the marriage and all lives involved better! They can overcome, through their resiliency, the unhealthy ways they were shown as 'normal' and their interaction with others as they move into adulthood because of their learned behavior...if their parent makes the necessary changes, via compassion, and is given a chance by the other spouse. Divorcing, I believe, is a greater disservice to the kids under these circumstances, than showing them that good change is possible.

I know where you're at Bridge, and I understand, but these paragraphs of yours resonated with me in particular, so I commented on them pertaining to myself and my situation.

I wish your StbXH had made different decisions and stuck to them. Sounds like he's hurting too.

Indulge yourself. You certainly deserve it.


ps - I'm sorry you're here...but I'm glad you're here...know what I mean?

[Distressed67]

Bridge,

Really sorry that it all had to come down this way. Your did what you had to do for yourself and it was the right thing to do no matter what he says or does. It took real courage on your part.

I think of that now that I am in the process of moving out myself. I still hold out hope that my W will get the help she needs and we can resolve our issues but its hard to know what the future holds.

Take care Bridge. You know how to get ahold of me if you need a guy who will listen.

Also you don't have to answer the phone at 4am if you dont want to.

Tim

[Bridgestone]

Hello Bridge.

Why does he call so early?

because he can't sleep, he's hurting & lonely & I still care enough to listen.

Was it his pain that he dumped on you?

yep

Kids are the innocent victims in this crap. Does he love the kids?

that would be mind reading, but yes I have no doubts he loves the kids.

Whose FaceBook update are you talking about?

S20

I wish your StbXH had made different decisions and stuck to them. Sounds like he's hurting too.

yep.. I have no doubts he is.

Indulge yourself. You certainly deserve it.

spent most of this past week-end doing just that.

ps - I'm sorry you're here...but I'm glad you're here...know what I mean?

Most definitely.. same from me to you.



Peace
bridge

[Bridgestone]

Bridge,

Really sorry that it all had to come down this way. Your did what you had to do for yourself and it was the right thing to do no matter what he says or does. It took real courage on your part.

thanks tim.. means a lot to hear it.

I think of that now that I am in the process of moving out myself. I still hold out hope that my W will get the help she needs and we can resolve our issues but its hard to know what the future holds.

I hear you.. hope spring eternal, but hopelessness is a reasonable feeling to have for an unreasonable situation.

You know how to get ahold of me if you need a guy who will listen.

. thanks that means a LOT.. same for you, but a gal who will listen.

Peace
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Just journalling..

Called my lawyer this morning.. the D papers will be signed by the judge tomorrow, delivered to the court house in the afternoon for filing.

So by nightfall 3.11.2010 I will officially be single..I have a delicious bottle of wine and a dear friend to commemorate the passing of this event in my life. I am blessed for that.

I hate to say a 'celebration' because it's just plain sad.
But without endings, there can be no new beginnings.

Thanks to everyone who has read along, offered advice, 2 x 4'd me, supported, cared about, and just 'been here'.

I have learned & grown so much and in so many ways I could not have imagined when I joined 2.5 years ago... again, I am blessed for all of you and what you have done.

Peace
Bridge

[ClingingToHope]

Wow, that is a journey. Why was it so long between separation and filing?

Was there any point in the process that you thought, hey this is turning around, or was it one long painful procession to the end?