It was beyond my expectations (alright, I had no expectations regarding my H)
This is an extraordinary program.
H really really liked it!!!
It is not a problem solving weekend. You don't get to talk about all the issues. (I was kinda hoping to get some missing pieces to the puzzle)
What you do get to do is build a way of communicating that helps you to heal and creates connection.
I was completely awed by the couples that shared their most intimate feelings. Some of these people were on the brink of divorce and some had divorced.
We have the follow up weekends still. Last night, after we did the homework assignment, we both left my room smiling. My D17 noticed and asked if she and I could do it.
H was very happy that he had gone.
I still can't say that we are back together. But I think it may have set the wheels in motion, only time(more ) will tell.
For us Dbers, it is really gratifying because our WA's learn alot of the things that we wish they would learn. Such as: Love is a decision, trust is a decision. The married single(MLCer). His needs, Her needs. So much that we here, would give our right arm to have our WA's hear. And it is presented in such a non-threatening, healing but incredibly powerful way.
There is no confrontation. You don't even really get to discuss the past except for how it felt.
I want everyone to know that you were all with me. I felt your presence so deeply. And anyone who offered a prayer on our behalf, I thank you deeply, I felt them so much!
On a funny(well depending on how you see it) note, Since H and I are sleeping in separate rooms I asked for 2 double beds so that H wouldn't feel any pressure or pursuit of any kind. And guess what???!!!. The hotel made a mistake and gave us one queen size bed.
Not that it broke the ice,(not even a cuddle or an accidental touch) but it was nice sleeping beside H for a change.
I feel happier and lighter. I think H does too. You all know how I practically had to drag him kicking and screaming to it. Well on Sunday night before he went to bed (still separate) He told me he had a great weekend.
As the weeks go by we shall see how it goes. Thank God for the follow up sessions ( that H is now happy to go to). I think they might address some specific topics.
I will try to post more as the week goes on.
Now, if I could only get him to do Michele's workshop...
Kansha: im so glad bc that weekend for both...!!... i envy you with love... how i wish to share that experience with my h, a man who cant comunicate and espress by himself about his feelings... If ypu can in a future, share with us some tips of that weekend... I wish you the best... and how strange have to be sleeping besides your h again...!!
Kansha, I'm so happy to hear how successful it was! (Maybe I could get my H to go?--there's always room for improvement!) Please keep us posted on the follow-up if you can. And we'll keep those prayers going!
Well Kansha, you certainly get my vote for being most patient DBer. I have followed the Retrouvaille steps with you, and was hoping for a lightning bolt to strike your h, but then I'm impatient (I only waited 2.5 years compared to your....?) And yes, I was praying for you guys, for a lightning bolt in fact. But I'm glad to hear that you came out smiling. That in itself is a major feat for that h of yours, isn't it? So I hope this is the beginning of the light in the tunnel, so to speak.
In Retrouvaille you spend the weekend doing a series of exercises designed to teach you a method of communicating called dialogue. It is communication on a feeling level. You learn to understand and not judge each other’s feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. We learn to just accept each others feelings by writing about our feelings and then talking about them in a specific way.
Lasts nights homework was a little dicier. S9 had a friend over and they were so loud. We were both tired and somewhat impatient. But, we managed to do it anyway and were both relieved when we were able to complete it. Not relieved, like thank God that’s over but thank God we could actually do it while things were less then perfect and leave without either one of us being upset.
I feel closer to H. I just don’t trust my feelings where he is concerned.
H is without a job right now so I am quite stressed over this as well.
Andrea: They have Retrouvaille all over the world. If you want to e-mail me and let me know where you live I can see if they have one there. If you can get your H to go it would be really great. It was great sleeping next to H again actually. Thanks for your well wishes. Most of the “tips” we got this weekend are similar to what we get here. I will try to post more of my impressions as time goes on. Take care hon!
Debm: You should absolutely go. The couples that participated ran the gamut from severely damaged to just needing to learn better communication skills. It is remarkable and for any lingering feelings that you have about your H’s MLC it would be very helpful. Go! They have an internet site. I think it’s WWW. Retrouvaille.com.
I do still need your prayers. Things are moving in the right direction but until we are actually sleeping in the same room, I just don’t know… Hugs to you my dear!
AlexN, So happy to see you visit me! I’m not sure whether it’s patience or inertia? At what point did you and H go to Retrouvaille. I didn’t remember that you had gone. Thank you for hoping it would be like a lightening bolt striking my H. I for one did not allow myself to hope for that much. Yes, smiling after I’ve been around my H for an entire weekend is a feat in and of itself. I pray that this is the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so glad to see you posting. I told Barb to give you a hug for me. When you see her be sure and collect it.
Frosty, so happy to have you visit over here. Thanks for your thoughts this weekend they sure did help. So what's this about 2 men in your life??!!!?? Enjoy yourself! You deserve it!
I hope everyone is well.
I hope to catch up with how everyone is doing soon. Until then my prayers are with you.
Kansha: I look for you mail and i didnt find it... How good can be learning to comunicate, bc for me this is the main reason of the troubles in my M... I am glad you both are working, and i hope you can get the best from this experience... Things between my h and i seems better now that i assume a more ditance, detach and not needy behavior... each time i get that actitude, he turns towards me... but i think that if we both dont work on comunication issue, and try to talk about our personal needs, this troubles will get again time to time... thanks for your answer... and ill be in touch
You can e-mail me at martelis@hotmail.com. Yes, distancing does seem to work on many of our WA’s.(not mine particularly) I’m glad things are going okay right now. I do think that Retrouvaille could be invaluable to you.
RandyH:
I’m sorry that I don’t know the answer to your question. One of the couples that shared their story mentioned that they had gone so far as to divorce. I don’t know at exactly what part in their story that the divorce happened. But just from what I experienced in the weekend, You both don’t have to make up your minds to want to “fix” things, you just have to agree that you need to find a way to communicate (if just for the sake of the children) and to heal. That was the way I presented the weekend to my H so that he would feel it was okay to go. They do say that the weekend is for married couples so, I guess you either have to have not gotten divorced yet or have gotten remarried before you attend. Hope this helps.
Hi Alex, I didn’t think you had gone to Retrouvaille. I read what you wrote and realized that there were two ways that I could take what you wrote. I decided to pick one and respond to that. Thanks for keeping up with me. I appreciate it. BTW, Congratulations on being able to work on your own projects and being able to be with your children more.
I can’t wait for the follow up this weekend. I am so looking forward to it.
Hey Kansha, I'm glad to see you and your h made it to the retreat and he liked it! You are one patient lady and it looks like maybe the ice is starting to melt. Good luck!
) will tell. 
