H pissed me off on Friday. I let him know. I was ready to sign off and say enough. He came home the same night, was incredibly attentive. Next morning, he was grumpy. I gave it the attention it deserved, enough to let him know I do care about his feelings, but completely expect and demand he care about mine. We settled it all.
Sunday morning, we were talking about some things. He let me know that OW texted him on Friday, or I should say confirmed she texted him to check in and ask about a friend of ours who was singing in a contest. (She did very very well, so proud of her.) I told him, "It's a relationship with me and only me. I'm done with this person 100%." He agreed. We'll see. He said ex-OW gave him crap for being at the Friday event with me and S and some good friends of ours. He said "How dare you? Where do you get off? Oh and eff you. Just like I told Stronger, no one is going to tell me what to do or influence me."
Now, he didn't let me see the text, but he read it to me. So, again....we'll see.
Also this morning, I can't remember what he said, but my response was simply "You filed. You actually filed for divorce. How do you want me to take that? It's not really a compliment. And more importantly, how do you want me to respond?" I was very calm and matter of fact. He said "I don't know." I said "Well, I have to respond soon here......are you going to withdraw the filing?" He was quiet for a long time and he said finally "I don't know."
But aside from all the drama, it was actually a really great weekend and that conversation this morning was very productive. We spent most of the day together and it was nice and relaxed.
Again, more hurry up and wait.
The ball really is in my court as to how I'm going to respond, but now, he does have the ability to take the ball back and remove the filing.
We'll see.
It's funny. I'm dating my husband who has filed for divorce. WTF?
It's funny. I'm dating my husband who has filed for divorce. WTF?
I'd say it's strange but around these parts anything goes.
Just be careful ok. The more you push for an answer about the filing the more likely you are to get some jacked up answer like "I don't know" or worse. I know how hard it is to have that hanging over you. I can only draw from my experience, but I definitely saw the more I pushed, the more crazy it got. I think my ex liked having that control as far as the D went. I gave her part of it too by constantly being concerned about it.
Keep living and enjoying life, and keep showing him a better you.
You are absolutely right. The problem was pretty simple: I really needed to ask him. So with his answer as officially I don't know, I'll have to wait and see if he removes it. Otherwise, I'm prepared to answer. I really also wanted to remind him, or even educate him that removing the filing is an option. I do think he knew that before I said it though.
So yes, no more discussions about it. He has flat out told me, he wants less drama, and I agree. He is also watching and waiting to see when the "other shoe drops." So far, he hasn't really seen that. There have been some fights yes, but when he expected them, no. I do believe he's noticed that too.
So, continuing on the path and actually doing pretty damn well.
So last night, things were great. H was over and we were having a great night. Very relaxed. His mother calls, having a computer issue. They talk and she says "Where are you?" He says "At Stronger and S's house." Irritated me, but ok. Then she says "Are you going home? You're going home right?" He said "Yeah, later but it's my night with S." They hang up (I could hear the whole thing, she speaks very loudly) and his whole demeanor changes. I tell him "Head on home and call her. It's just easier." Then it turns into an argument. I told him "You have to come clean with your parents. You spent such effort and time blaming me for everything and making me the bad guy and telling them way too much that now you can't even hang out in the house you pay for with us without getting crap from them. You need to just tell them 'Look, I want to see what can happen with Stronger and I since this is a big decision, I want to do the right thing' and just tell them to give you some space." I then sent him to his place even though he was supposed to stay with us. I told him before he left I was going to send him an email of things I want to work on in the R, things I like that I think are going well, things I want to no longer talk about and things I want to stop right now. We spoke this morning and I asked if he was going to respond to the email with his own list. He said "I don't know what I'm going to do." I said "Ok. I have made myself clear. I won't ask you again. If you want to move forward with ending things, then I'm prepared for that too. But at this point, you need to get on board and work on this or you need to pull the plug."
So folks, we'll see. I was very clear in calm comments last night and I was clear in the email.
So last night, things were great. H was over and we were having a great night. Very relaxed.
I'm diggin it!
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I tell him "Head on home and call her. It's just easier." Then it turns into an argument.
Uh oh. Sort of pushed a button there eh??
Yes it's stupid, yes it's frustrating, and yes he needs to speak up and come clean with his parents. He knows this, it's up to him to figure out how.
My guess is that it's going to happen over time. I don't think he is just one day going to bust out with "yeah mom, it's all me. I lied, I made Stronger out to be this evil person to justify what I was doing. blah blah blah. "
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I told him "You have to come clean with your parents. You spent such effort and time blaming me for everything and making me the bad guy and telling them way too much that now you can't even hang out in the house you pay for with us without getting crap from them. You need to just tell them 'Look, I want to see what can happen with Stronger and I since this is a big decision, I want to do the right thing' and just tell them to give you some space."
He know's this....and your making him feel not so good by constantly reminding him of it.
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I then sent him to his place even though he was supposed to stay with us.
I told him before he left I was going to send him an email of things I want to work on in the R, things I like that I think are going well, things I want to no longer talk about and things I want to stop right now. We spoke this morning and I asked if he was going to respond to the email with his own list. He said "I don't know what I'm going to do." I said "Ok. I have made myself clear. I won't ask you again. If you want to move forward with ending things, then I'm prepared for that too. But at this point, you need to get on board and work on this or you need to pull the plug."
So folks, we'll see. I was very clear in calm comments last night and I was clear in the email.
I'm prepared for either outcome.
What message are you sending here?
Give me what I want, when I want it or else.
You have to give him time to do this his way. He knows he F'ed up big time. Imagine trying to work your way out of this mess. It has to be hard.
Last night was the first time I have ever told him to tell his parents "hey back off". In the past, I've only said "I'm not mad at them, I know they don't really know what's going on here." And he agreed and seemed happy I wasn't mad at them. And I'm really not. I know they've been lied to, things have been exaggerated and blown out of proportion and things have been left out. So, based on what they've been told, I want my kid to get the hell out of there too. But I do want them to back off.
I didn't really think about the message I was sending when I sent him home because I needed the space. He lied to his mother! He's 34 year old. It's time to stop taking the easy way out and get on the high road he talks about so much. I needed to calm down and not let things escalate any more. It was more ducking and covering than trying to send him a message and he knows that because I told him. But you might be right about that message. I'll mull it over.
I have never tried to imagine that though...getting myself into this mess and then how to get myself out....that's an interesting assignment. I'll do that later, really try to put myself in his shoes.....and be glad I only have to imagine it, not live it.
I'd say it's strange but around these parts anything goes.