Thanks D! I'm glad to hear you have some positives (and not negatives or nothing!).. Sounds like you have a good plan of action. I hope you and your son have a wonderful Christmas no matter what happens with your wife.
Sat with H tonight at the third concert of the week! He was 'normal' and shared some things his brother had emailed him.
I talked briefly about my visit with the lawyer and transferring funds to cover my retainer check. I was supportive of H and empathetic as to how he feels his parents have dealt with the D news(His mom told him that he ruined their Christmas and New Years!-very selfish response IMO)
H scooted out pretty quick after the concert. Put his hand on my back to say goodbye.(Woo Hoo!!)
I had a funny thought tonight. If H and I can get through the divorce stuff(which is he most stressful thing a couple can go through, I think) without hating each oher or having any major fights, then doesn't that show that there IS hope for us? Just thinking...
Funny how judgemental H thinks his mom, dad and brother are about the D, yet H can be so very judgemental too...
Re-read the midlife stages in resources and wondered if H actually has gone through withdrawal and his decision to divorce me is what is described as the decision regarding marriage the MLCer finally shares with the spouse post-withdrawal. I know I'm not supposed to try and figure out stages...but the sad part of me wondered if this IS the final, clear decision he is making....
Will continue to DB and continue Looking for hope.
Last edited by kjensen; 12/11/0905:58 AM.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Re-read the midlife stages in resources and wondered if H actually has gone through withdrawal and his decision to divorce me is what is described as the decision regarding marriage the MLCer finally shares with the spouse post-withdrawal. I know I'm not supposed to try and figure out stages...but the sad part of me wondered if this IS the final, clear decision he is making....
Oh K you were doing so well until you got to this part. Your posts over the past few weeks have shown that your H is still confused. You don't really believe he is making a clear decision, do you?
Let him go for now. Try to think of it this way. With him not home he doesn't have any distractions now. The focus will now hopefully be on himself.
I'm not great at linking threads, but try these. You may want to start with the bottom three.
I was lucky enough to have found these early on. Has it made a difference? If only in my attitude and the way I think,it is still beyond anything I would have expected. I can never repay what I consider an awesome gift from strangers.
I'm posting these b/c of your question about whether it is the end.
I was overthinking/worrying. I just don't want to be one of this women who really doesn't see the writing on the wall.
I'm certainly not standing still just waiting, I'm living and getting on and thinking about the future with or without H..but my heart is still with H-praying for him every night.
I called H about a phone snaf we're having b/c I was told by Comcast that there was a new email account that may be receiving our digital voicemail and it was in H's name and I didn't know the password(or recognize the email acct). I explained it matter-of-factly and H said he was sorry he didn't know about that email account and hoped I didn't think he had a secret email account(I don't)..that was nice of him to be preemptive.
H is alone at his cousin's place this weekend as his cousin is skiing..His big plans are laundry and cleaning he bathroom. I was good and didn't ask him to do anything..Just letting him miss us for now.
He does sound happy to hear from me when he does(I'm not initiating any contact except today's call as I needed info)..but usually the calls/conversations end a bit awkwardly...
I'm definitely doing better this time around. Much more detached. I know I'll be OK no matter what. Just lonely right now-miss the snuggles at night. The cat is a poor substitute!
Feel bad for H.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Very helpful posts. I know I'd read a few in my lurking/research early on, but they are more helpful now that I am where I am.
There is hope.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Its hard trying to both work out what is happening so that we can make the best choices on the formal side of things, yet accept thst the confusion means its a real unknown outcome. I understand what you say about not wanting to hang on if there is no hope, but wanting to have hope too.
Checking up on your post today as both our H's left this week and no doubt we are feeling similarly crappy at times and other times feel good about not having to walk on eggshells. I even have a cat and it definitely is no substitute. I have not slept much at all in the last oouple of days. My H left Wednesday and because of blizzard weather I ended up taking H to airport...not ideal, but it is what it is...had no good one-liners, except to wish him well. I did not shed a tear until last night as he left so much undone and I am overwhelmed with all that I have to do. H emailed me when he arrived very cheery non-chalant that he so much appreciated the ride to airport it meant so much to him and that we would get through this and he loved me mucho. I did not respond what does one say? Two very short e-mails from him today how hurt he was I had not contacted him and to tell me he would be going to the bank early next week and wiring his half of money from money market...I will have to e-mail back a response to this but have been told to keep it business like- will be hard as I thought he already had done the wire transfer and am probably having false hope he changed his mind and had not sent wire transfer and was trying to reach out to me - but I know better so am venting to keep from touching that keyboard and responding to H from the heart.
It is such a delicate balance and I so very much understand how you feel right now - wish I was close enough so we could vent and have a glass or bottle of wine...go take your D's out for a girly dinner or movie.
Cheers, Michele
M 42 h 41 Together 23 yrs M 16 yrs Bomb 5/16/09 D papers filed H left 12/9/09 Forever the grownup...
Hey Chel, Been thinking about you alot and hoping you were doing OK! It would be lovely to share a bottle of wine and MLC crazy stories, hopes and dreams of the future...When you're in CO let me know and we'll find a way to get together.
Interesting that your H is reaching out for you on his crazy Canadian dream..Like he wants yor approval and support? It is a balance for us, isn't it?
I'm re-reading "How to improve your marriage without talking about it"..I think Grace recommended it as did my last DB counselor. About the differences in men/women's fears/vulnerabilities/communication..great stuff.
Sadly I just read the list of how women inadvertantly shame men and I was guilty of several things. Much more for me to work on...
H called and stopped over today and stayed for several hours, hanging out with the girls, even vacuuming (on his own) the fireplace! I offered him lunch. I shared my wacky idea about how getting divorced is one of the hardest things a couple does(I think losing a child would be the hardest), and how if we could get through this D process without hating each other or having a major blowup then maybe there is something strong here and salvageable...I know...pipedreaming...rationalizing...
H stuck out his hand to shake on not hating or having blowups through this process. He seems really set on a D when he talks about it, but doesn't seem in a hurry to move stuff out or gather info for the lawyer(although he had already contacted our life insurance agent for info)...He gets touchy if I say "come on over, help yourself to..whatever..when he wants something. He said "thanks for giving me permission to get my stuff from OUR house"..
Part of the time I am calm when thinking about being divorced from H and part of the time I'm a trembling, emotional basketcase. I think the effects of the girls is the hardest thing for me to witness.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Glad to hear from you, I just wrote a really long post and my computer crashed lost everything. Don't have time to recreate right now, as H has left behind so many loose ties and I am stuck with the cleanup.
Because of that don't know if I will be visiting Colorado in the next couple of weeks, could sure use some CO sunshine.
Had purposely stayed away from e-mail yesterday and when I read his e-mail how hurt he was I had not responded I was furious. I let it ruin the rest of my night and spent a couple of hours putting together a brief, breezy two sentence response, "I've been busy...let me know when you go to bank as your bill pays before you left were bigger than normal so right now you may be a couple of hundred dollars short on your withdrawal amount until mid next week (did not include this statement but it is because he had to pay his credit card bills, attorney, medical insurance, cash for leaving, etc.) that has left me with a few dollars until next week. I could take out of money market to cover right now but it is the weekend and won't do me much good. I was told to keep my e-mail responses businesslike or to not respond. It is so incredibly hard, I just want to tell him exactly how I feel.
The other thing that drove me crazy he had planned on doing the banking stuff last Thursday so could not help thinking maybe he had changed his mind and was reaching out for me to tell him not to wire the money and come home. So, another night with little sleep. I kept thinking I could always write another e-mail, one a little more personal and say what I was feeling above - so glad I did not - there was no way that would have done any good it would have zapped all my energy waiting for another response from him to see what he might say...I've got to face - no matter what he left me, he is divorcing me and I need to get off the roller coaster ride right now before I puke.
It would be very difficult at this juncture to deal as you are with H coming over and calling, it would be agonizing to parse over every word/meaning looking for something positive, but just try not to...they will continue to suck as much energy as they can from us. I read yesterday pretend we are single and dating, we meet our H's as they are acting right now would we want to get involved? I wouldn't!!! This is going to be a long journey, believe me I had hope and who am I kidding, still hoping H will appear at my door, hold me close and declare his love for me. That would be awesome, on the other hand if he came back this quick that euphoria would probably not last more than 48 hours. I know he is struggling because I usually have taken care of everything for him so no doubt he is really feeling sorry for himself.
He has left me with an incredible work mess and with people I thought he would have told what is happening but didn't. I have given so much of my energy tried absolutely every approach to keep our marriage going but I cannot deal with someone who's thinking is so skewed so selfish. In your case you are dealing with 3 teenagers and in his case he has decided to leave home and all you can do is hope the best for him, hope he makes the right decisions and hope he understands all the love/caring/compassion he has been given and is grateful and appreciative and wants to come home, misses home.
Was thinking of all the time that has passed leading up to this decision so I know wishing or hoping for something positive so soon is too much to ask for and I need to prepare 'as if' this is permanent. This is what gets me down the most, pulling back and not being able to say what I want not having the luxury of seeing him to say something else.
I also realize that I am a strong person and have dealt with many disappointments/loss and have always found happiness in my little family and even though life is not as I had planned or maybe wanted was grateful everyday for what I had. With that came the realization that H has always given up on things too easy, been so quick to judge others and never been content or grateful for what he has...he is really blaming his family/childhood and unfortunately it was not perfect (whose was) but it certainly never included abuse/abandonment/addiction/or being poor. H is kind of weak and maybe just could not do the hard work of maintaining our marriage it was easier to withdraw and seek out something else. Someone has said he needs to grow up and live in the adult world, hmmm?
Maybe during this fragile period of time you could leave when H is there. It would be very difficult to not be there but I am not hearing his visits leave you feeling better.
Are the street performers still out on Pearl Street this time of year? If so, go for a stroll or just get out of the house for an activity. Staying in can get a bit depressing. H basically left everything but his clothes. His sister is coming over today with plastic tubs to put some of his things in and store them for me. She is helping me make this place my own.
Wishing you the best today and keep in touch. Bummed I lost my original post to you, and know I am missing something I wanted to pass along but my short term memory is really scattered.
Hugs, Michele
M 42 H 41 Together 23 years Married 16 years Bomb 5/16/09 D papers filed H left 12/9/09 Taking it one day at a time
K, [quote] for giving me permission to get my stuff from OUR house".. [/uote]
An important (IMO) distinction to be made is that is may be "our" house, but it is now "your" home. If he is being "pissy" this will be lost on him and the trick is to say it as neutrally as possible.
I'd like to say that I'm pretty good at being non-reactive, but the couple of times I've really spoken from the heart, I know he has "heard" me. Having heard me though didn't change anything outwardly. My H (actually all of us but maybe my D14) are introverts, so you don't always see outward displays.
I thought his response to the "not hating each other and major blow ups" was different. How about a fing hug! Just me, but I'm on a bit of a tear today.
Chel,
I know the advise is to be business like. My own responses are not always so. I do tend to at least respond with a "thank you". Of course in my case, the lack of responses from H even before he left was a sore spot. He's gotten better (mostly) and it falls into the category of teaching people how we will accept being treated. It can be done nicely (mostly ).
I hope that you both are doing ok. I know how hward it is.
