Alone, Lost, Unloved & Deserve Better

[d1adsl5a]

Well there also comes a point where you look in the mirror. There was a reason you made the call. There was a reason you kissed him. But there was also a reason you pulled back. There were clearly some things missing in your marriage otherwise the need would not have been there.

Everybody deals with issues differently. Not going to condem what you did. I think when the day is done, you did the right thing. Living a lie isn't going to make your life better either. Sounds like your husband was looking for an out as well. There were things wrong in your marriage, you were just afraid to look under the hood of the car to see what was really wrong.

We all deserve happiness in our lives. Doesn't sound like you two were really happy. The one thing I realized in my marriage is that we never developed an intimate enough of a relationship to really share our true feelings. Otherwise, we wouldn't be in this position today. My wife obviously wasn't happy. I guess I was kidding myself to think she was. My wife is out again tonight. Probably another 3am night for her as I take care of my sons doing homework, taking them to football practice, making dinner, doing dishes, putting them to bed. I do know if we get back together, I want it to be right so that we both can be happy. I am willing to try, she is not. I don't know if she ever will. I won't wait forever, so I have to get myself ready if I have to go it alone. This place also helps you do that. Make sure you get a good therapist. It helps.

I'm scared too. We all are of being alone. I haven't been alone in 19 years. As I said, the first few months will probably be the worst in your life.

Have a good night.

[Livingalone101]

I have been looking and reading in all forums here and I can't help but worry now - some of you have been standing for 2 plus years???
How on earth will I have the strength to hold on that long?? Please advise.

[peacetoday]

IT isnt easy
I did stand for about 2 years
THis time is a good time to heal
to reflect on ourselves
to do some therapy-to focus on the R with the kids
to set boundries with the mlcer
and/- or to let the M go, and start a friendship with the mlcer if that is available to you
this becomes a time of safety, inner healing, grieving and eventually a new person in us is evolved from the work, the pain the grief
this new rebirth is the gift
we can use this time to change ourselves...maybe the mlcer will notice and want to return maybe not.. no guarantees
some people have sucess in this area
I have not
my xh just M the OW
I have moved on, but im still praying and hoping and believing My xh will step up to the plate as a father to our kids
and one day realize the damage he created-
although I have gotten many great gifts from this journey
truthfully said, I would not change a thing
the only thing I may regret( not sure yet) is that my xh never gave us another chance
I believe with the changes we would have made it better
peace

[Livingalone101]

I am not sure that I understand fully why I called the guy after so many years other than I was lonely and feeling unimportant but that being said I should have been able to tell my husband what I needed.
Whats done is done - he has no forgiveness - he can make mistakes in his life but I can't - he has the upper hand now.

You know I thought we were happy with the exception of some issues but its funny when you back away from the situation that you see far more there than you did before - the worst is that he doesn't see anything but it was my fault and I created this myself.

I am sorry you are going through this also and living together as strangers has got to be even more hard. I can't imagine. We all deserve better than this, I hope that if my marriage isn't healed that I can some day find someone who will love me unconditionally and not shut me out, be able to open up to me and I want to be happy. I know I have alot of great qualities in me, , its my husbands loss, he will never find another person to love him as deeply as I do and he will never find another that will treat him so good and I feel sorry for him because it is my gut feeling that years from now he will kick himself for letting me go and it will be to late for us. I am already writing the ending to our story it sounds like, I just know I have been to good to him to deserve this.
I wish there was a group to go to in this area to help me through this, I have no close friends I felt alone until I found this website and am so glad there is people who care here.
Thanks for all your responses, keep them coming it helps me get through each day.

Well there also comes a point where you look in the mirror. There was a reason you made the call. There was a reason you kissed him. But there was also a reason you pulled back. There were clearly some things missing in your marriage otherwise the need would not have been there.

Everybody deals with issues differently. Not going to condem what you did. I think when the day is done, you did the right thing. Living a lie isn't going to make your life better either. Sounds like your husband was looking for an out as well. There were things wrong in your marriage, you were just afraid to look under the hood of the car to see what was really wrong.

We all deserve happiness in our lives. Doesn't sound like you two were really happy. The one thing I realized in my marriage is that we never developed an intimate enough of a relationship to really share our true feelings. Otherwise, we wouldn't be in this position today. My wife obviously wasn't happy. I guess I was kidding myself to think she was. My wife is out again tonight. Probably another 3am night for her as I take care of my sons doing homework, taking them to football practice, making dinner, doing dishes, putting them to bed. I do know if we get back together, I want it to be right so that we both can be happy. I am willing to try, she is not. I don't know if she ever will. I won't wait forever, so I have to get myself ready if I have to go it alone. This place also helps you do that. Make sure you get a good therapist. It helps.

I'm scared too. We all are of being alone. I haven't been alone in 19 years. As I said, the first few months will probably be the worst in your life.

Have a good night.

[w8ing]

Livingalone,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I wanted to read up on your situation.

We are very similar in the fact that I don't have close friends here either. I moved to this area to be with H - it is his hometown with his family and his friends. That's why these boards were so important to me - the people here really provided the support that I so desperately needed during the first year of this crisis.

If your H is in MLC, you will have a long road ahead of you. At the beginning, I tried to talk myself into the fact that my H would hurry through the timeline and be done within a year. Not only isn't he in a hurry, but he seems to be in the remedial group and going through the stages at a snail's pace.

You make it through by deciding that you don't want to be on the rollercoaster ride with him. And you get off. And you stop making your days about him (what is he doing, thinking, why is this happening, what is wrong with him, etc., etc.) and start taking a good long look at yourself and figuring out what you need to do to make you happy. And you stop with the would've, should've, could've game, or the "it's not fair" game. If this is MLC, it doesn't matter what you could have done - he is going through this no matter what.

This doesn't mean that you give up hope. But you get realistic about the situation and what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him, you can control you.

And you get through it, minute by minute. It is the worst pain that I have ever experienced. But it gets better with time. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, but I am no longer paralyzed for days at a time. I have come such a long way in two years and you will too.

Others here gave you some ideas on what they are doing to keep busy. Force yourself to do things for you. It may seem like faking at the beginning, but that will change.

And take care of yourself. Come to the boards when you need to vent, cry or whatever. You will get responses from people who have been in your situation and truly understand.

Hugs!

w8ing

[Livingalone101]

Thank you for responding to my thread. I am glad to know I am not alone but terrified that I may be going through this for a very long time.
HUGS♥

Livingalone,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I wanted to read up on your situation.

We are very similar in the fact that I don't have close friends here either. I moved to this area to be with H - it is his hometown with his family and his friends. That's why these boards were so important to me - the people here really provided the support that I so desperately needed during the first year of this crisis.

If your H is in MLC, you will have a long road ahead of you. At the beginning, I tried to talk myself into the fact that my H would hurry through the timeline and be done within a year. Not only isn't he in a hurry, but he seems to be in the remedial group and going through the stages at a snail's pace.

You make it through by deciding that you don't want to be on the rollercoaster ride with him. And you get off. And you stop making your days about him (what is he doing, thinking, why is this happening, what is wrong with him, etc., etc.) and start taking a good long look at yourself and figuring out what you need to do to make you happy. And you stop with the would've, should've, could've game, or the "it's not fair" game. If this is MLC, it doesn't matter what you could have done - he is going through this no matter what.

This doesn't mean that you give up hope. But you get realistic about the situation and what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him, you can control you.

And you get through it, minute by minute. It is the worst pain that I have ever experienced. But it gets better with time. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, but I am no longer paralyzed for days at a time. I have come such a long way in two years and you will too.

Others here gave you some ideas on what they are doing to keep busy. Force yourself to do things for you. It may seem like faking at the beginning, but that will change.

And take care of yourself. Come to the boards when you need to vent, cry or whatever. You will get responses from people who have been in your situation and truly understand.

Hugs!

w8ing

[Livingalone101]

I just had a conversation of 1-1/2 hours with my H - him telling me that he has a gut feeling I am going to screw him in the divorce.
(not my personality to screw people especially one I am still deeply inlove with)
He has so much anger - if he truely wants a divorce then why all the anger - he keeps throwing my infidelity back in my face as to why its all ending this marriage - (he has had many and been forgiven)
Is this normal for him to be so angry? he thinks of me everyday and says that he still cares
then why is divorcing me???

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Livingalone.

I have read your sitch, and I so know what you are feeling. I was there. Am still there in some ways. My H was my whole life. I still feel like I am "just going through the motions" almost daily. But it does get better.

Peacetoday said it very well. You need to use this time to work on you and what makes you happy (although it may feel that nothing can make you happy at this point). It's about saving you not the M....... but saving yourself is the best chance you have at reconciliation down the road.

The best advice I can give is to remember to be kind to yourself!! There are really no "right" or "wrong" answers. This is a journey that we each have to take and what works for one may not work for another. You will learn much in your own sitch by trial and error. You have to become your own best friend!

We can all tell from reading what you have written that you are a warm, loving, woman with good values and you do indeed "deserve better". Your H is concentrating blame on you because that makes it easier for him not to look in the mirror. Try not to listen in to his rhetoric. Understand that it comes from his own pain (at himself I think possibly more than you although he likely doesn't recognise that!).

One book that really helped me that I suspect may help you is "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. It really opened my eyes and maybe it will for you to.

And one last thing, don't let your H mess with you about "screwing him over" in the D. I'm betting that is a just another tactic to make you feel guilty and to deflect blame. The truth is that WA state is a "no fault" state and "screwing over" one's spouse is not so easy.

Hang in there, sweetie!!

((((((HUGS))))))

[Livingalone101]

Thank you for your message, I so appreciate it. I do wish I could find a weekly group to meet with so I can interact with live people as well as this, I use to be very to myself , now I am finding I don't want to be alone and am reaching out where I normally wouldn't have.
Thank you again

[Silent Chrleader]

Yes, I have started dance lessons but it's hard. It's no fun dancing with my dance teacher who's a little latino woman.....

I have also checked for local "meet up" groups but they don't have anything out here on the peninsula. I also do Deep Water Aerobics and am thinking starting a Yoga class.

But those things are during the week and I struggle on the weekends. I get bored which then leads to more thoughts of H and depression.

But, I'm not giving up.....