Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Haven't posted in a couple of days, not because things are going well, but because I am back in that numb-sort-of-state where I honestly don't even think about things; literally just doing what I have to do to get through the days. I am not mad, not sad really either. Just numb.

I got home last evening. As soon as I walked in, H said that the basement flooded and had I unplugged the battery for the sump pump. "No, I don't go near that thing, no reason to." Well, it was unplugged and some things are going to have to be thrown out. (In my head, I'm thinking great! H tends to hold onto things that he no longer uses and they are all stored in the basement. I have tried a million times to donate, give away, throw out, but to no avail. Yayyyyyy!!!!!

I went downstairs to survey the damage. He had wet vacced and had the dehumidifier going. Sucks that the water made its way to the finished part of the basement. Some of the carpet will have to be pulled up and the padding replaced after cleaning and drying the floor well. It didn't make it to the laundry room, so nothing of value was damaged.

But, later... H says, "I don't understand how it was unplugged if you didn't do it."

I mean really, why would I have a reason to do such a thing?!?!? "Sure, it's raining. Let me go and flood the basement so all H's stuff will have to be thrown out." No, I didn't actually say it, but come on people!!! I have a place for everything. There is a bowl on the table in the foyer just inside the door for us to put our keys. My keys are always in that bowl. But when H can't find his keys~ "Where are my keys?" My answer is always the same. "I no longer keep up with your keys; that is what the bowl is for."

This morning, "Where is my stuff for my car registration, my insurance card, my new license info?" "It is altogether in one envelope on the counter in the kitchen." A little after 9:00 this morning at work, the phone rings. "What is the website where I can do my registration? I am online but I can only renew my license on here." I look it up, and explain that it is available through the same site.

Now, H is much more computer-savvy than I ever will be. Electronics have a place in my life, but I don't have the need to know everything about every device I use, just has to serve my needs.

I carry stress in my neck and right shoulder. It is so tight right now, you could bounce a quarter off of it. I could use a hug. I could use a back rub. I could use a shoulder, an ear.

I don't even know why I went on so long venting about this. It is typical H stuff, well, my H stuff anyway. Just sucks that I am expected to know everything, yet be given nothing in return.

[Gnosis]

I've been overwhelmed lately... but wanted you to know I'm still here and haven't forgotten about you

I need to re-gather my thoughts and refresh my mind on your sitch. (I still have the 9 pages of notes...) Sorry I got distracted.

[Esox]

Hi Brown,

I did a little reading of your situation and have lots of questions. I'll start with this one though, how much longer to you plan on living this way? I hurt for you just reading this.

[luvless]

G to the rescue - i love it - give him a cape

[Coach]

BIM, I know you are feeling a lot of stress.

Deep breathes and roll your shoulders forward and back. Then roll your neck 360 degrees. Arm circles. Then more deep breathing.

Now about this:

H says, "I don't understand how it was unplugged if you didn't do it."

I mean really, why would I have a reason to do such a thing?!?!? "Sure, it's raining. Let me go and flood the basement so all H's stuff will have to be thrown out." No, I didn't actually say it, but come on people!!!

he didn't say you had a reason to do it. !???!?!?! He is trying to "fix" the problem.

your repsonse - "I don't understand either."

When we don't communicate effectively we start mind-reading. You were thinking what he was thinking. H is problems are his problems. He didn't expect you to know, you filled in that blank.

The thinking in absolutes is tough on your mental and emotional health - everything, nothing, always, never... watch your self-talk.

exercise, pray, get a massage, make a list of what you are grateful for

[Gnosis]

G to the rescue - i love it - give him a cape

ROFLMAO.

I can't rescue anyone. Besides, there are many others here that have more experience and wisdom than me and seem to be able to communicate my sentiments far more eloquently.

[brownidmom]

H says, "I don't understand how it was unplugged if you didn't do it."

I mean really, why would I have a reason to do such a thing?!?!? "Sure, it's raining. Let me go and flood the basement so all H's stuff will have to be thrown out." No, I didn't actually say it, but come on people!!!

he didn't say you had a reason to do it. !???!?!?! He is trying to "fix" the problem.

your repsonse - "I don't understand either."

When we don't communicate effectively we start mind-reading. You were thinking what he was thinking. H is problems are his problems. He didn't expect you to know, you filled in that blank.

The thinking in absolutes is tough on your mental and emotional health - everything, nothing, always, never... watch your self-talk.

exercise, pray, get a massage, make a list of what you are grateful for

Thanks, Coach. I get what you are saying, I do. I read your response a few times to be sure of what I felt in response to it. Of course, you are right. H was trying to fix it. But there just isn't a normal for us anymore. There hasn't been a normal for a very long time.

I believe that my reaction to his questioning was because I know he doesn't trust me. So, when he asked me more than once, my mind automatically went to the feelings of isolation I have felt over these last 7 years when I know that he is questioning me because he doesn't believe me. My thoughts were, "He is asking me again because he thinks I'm lying."

I know for sure that if he is ever to trust me again, it will not be because of anything that comes out of my mouth. I wounded him deeply by lying to him and he has chosen to hold onto it. I can't make him let it go. I don't know if he ever will.

I have worked very hard at not using absolutes in my way of thinking. There is no way that I could still be in this marriage if I believed in absolutes. For those who do and are looking at what I have described in this thread, they would likely believe that there is no way this will change, that my H is a complete ARSE for how he treats me. They would not still be here, thinking it is possible that we can work this out.

Truth is, I don't know if this can be fixed. I don't know if I should cut my losses and get out. I do know that I love my H, who he used to be anyway. And I know for sure that I want to do what is best for my boys. Sometimes I think I should end it. Sometimes I think I should hang in a little while longer, that this can't possibly go on like this forever.

I have asked H to leave several times over the last 7 years. And I meant it. The deepest part of my soul that loves the deepest part of his soul has wondered how he could still be here if he didn't have some hope himself.

I am not worried about myself. I know for sure that I will be okay without H. I've known that for awhile now. I do worry about my boys though, a lot.

I am scared of leaving and neither of them would forgive me. My H won't forgive me and it hurts like hell. I can't live with my boys not forgiving me either.

bim

[Gnosis]

(((( BIM ))))

Keep your chin up girl. I'm routing for you.

[brownidmom]

Hi Brown,

I did a little reading of your situation and have lots of questions. I'll start with this one though, how much longer to you plan on living this way? I hurt for you just reading this.

Thanks for stopping by, E. I haven't put a time limit on it; I just want to be for sure what is the right thing to do. When I married him, I intended it to be forever. Don't know how to put a time limit on fixing it, I guess.

Additional questions welcome.

bim

[brownidmom]

(((( BIM ))))

Keep your chin up girl. I'm routing for you.

Thanks, G. I appreciate it. Feeling very introspective tonight.

bim