Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Journaling-

S6 still had a fever last night before bed. He ended up in bed with me around 11:00 pm last night, came walking in whining and just crawled in bed and snuggled into me. His breathing was not great but got better as the night went on.

So, I am home again today. H said he would stay home tomorrow if he still isn't better. S6 is already asleep again, has been for almost an hour. Guess I will work on some laundry and do some reading, maybe crack open a new one I haven't started yet.

Feeling a bit of cabin fever. S9 had tennis lessons after school yesterday, so he and H didn't get home until almost 8:00 because I needed them to stop and pick up a few things at the store since I couldn't go out.

I feel like I am currently in some kind of business arrangement instead of a marriage. Seems like we are responsible for taking care of the boys PERIOD. I am feeling a bit lonely right now, I guess. I want to be married, not just in a marriage.

[luvless]

right bid? I feel ya! I am in an "arrangement" too and want to feel married. I don't think anything is worse than being lonely in a marriage.

[brownidmom]

right bid? I feel ya! I am in an "arrangement" too and want to feel married. I don't think anything is worse than being lonely in a marriage.

I can't think of anything worse either. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to be alone with my kids. At least the disrespect or lack of any attention wouldn't be there in my face and for my kids to see. At least I wouldn't have to prepare myself to suck it up everytime I walk in the door, or everytime he walks in the door. It truly is emotionally draining. And the truth is, while GALing is for yourself, sometimes you just wanna come home and be yourself. And pretending that none of this bothers me is not being myself! I miss being able to share things with my husband. There is just no substitute for that that I can think of.

[Gnosis]

Hey BIM, just thought I'd pop onto your thread and let you know I'm still 'watching' and haven't run away.

[brownidmom]

Hey BIM, just thought I'd pop onto your thread and let you know I'm still 'watching' and haven't run away.

Thanks, G. Appreciate it.

Luv's response on my thread prompted me to take a look at her sitch. Boy, do some things hit home when you see such similarities with your own!!! So now I am contemplating my responsibility in this M (by this, I meant MESS instead of Marriage. Ah, why not use it as a double intendre? It sure fits.)


Truth is, I feel sad. How did this happen? How did we get to this place? He used to be my best friend. I can't make him trust me, I know that. But right now, I am thinking 'what to do with all this'? It's not like a crazy aunt you can pretend not to remember until you see her every year around the holidays. I mean, it's my M!!!!!! OK, maybe I'm mad and sad. I need to go and gather myself.

[Gnosis]

BIM, take your time. Gather your thoughts and your emotions. I agree, you can't make him trust you.

One thing to bear in mind... Although yours, Luv's and Mindfull's situations may have some similarities in the ways your H's are behaving, they are not the same. There are different factors at play here.

((((BIM))))

Stay strong.

[brownidmom]

Regarding this:

Yep. He had even said that he is going to buy a house with a bigger yard for the boys and that whether or not I am there, the decision to buy the house and picking it out and buying it will not involve me. This was after I pointed out that he mishandled the situation back in May when he dropped the bomb "I am not going to put my name on another piece of paper to buy another house with you" on Mother's Day before we were heading out the door to look at it one last time before making an offer. Uh, yeah, passive aggressive, you should have just told me that you didn't want to go anywhere else with me instead of letting me look for the perfect house for almost a full year.

No, I will not move into a house with you when my name is not on the deed so you can just tell me to leave whenever you want. I didn't say this last part, just thought it. It would have become too emotional for me if I started down that path so I just let it go until it becomes a reality.

H saying this to me has been on my mind. Last night, after the boys were in bed and H was at the kitchen table with his laptop while I was cleaning up the kitchen, I said, " I have something I want to say to you and I am not looking for a response. What you said to me the other night about buying a house without me- if your intentions are to buy a house because you want to walk away from this marriage, so be it. But if you do not intend to walk away from this marriage, I need you to know that I will have to be included in the process of looking for and buying a house if you want me to leave this house with you. I will not go from owning a home with my husband to selling it and moving into a house with you that is not in my name. I will not ever put myself in the position of having to leave if I am ever asked to do so. I have to look out for myself. So, if you want to stay together as a family, I need to be included in this decision and process."

And then I went back to loading the dishwasher. He didn't respond in any way and I am glad that he didn't. I was feeling very vulnerable after being alone with my thoughts yesterday and a discussion would not have been a good direction for me to head into. I felt better afterwards because I said it like I meant it. Though I was feeling very emotional, it didn't creep its way into my voice. Thus, I was able to go to sleep last night.

The alarm went off this morning as I was dreaming about H holding and kissing me. It was just a dream.

bim

[brownidmom]

Regarding this:


H saying this to me has been on my mind. Last night, after the boys were in bed and H was at the kitchen table with his laptop while I was cleaning up the kitchen, I said, " I have something I want to say to you and I am not looking for a response. What you said to me the other night about buying a house without me- if your intentions are to buy a house because you want to walk away from this marriage, so be it. But if you do not intend to walk away from this marriage, I need you to know that I will have to be included in the process of looking for and buying a house if you want me to leave this house with you. I will not go from owning a home with my husband to selling it and moving into a house with you that is not in my name. I will not ever put myself in the position of having to leave if I am ever asked to do so. I have to look out for myself. So, if you want to stay together as a family, I need to be included in this decision and process."

And then I went back to loading the dishwasher. He didn't respond in any way and I am glad that he didn't. I was feeling very vulnerable after being alone with my thoughts yesterday and a discussion would not have been a good direction for me to head into. I felt better afterwards because I said it like I meant it. Though I was feeling very emotional, it didn't creep its way into my voice. Thus, I was able to go to sleep last night.

The alarm went off this morning as I was dreaming about H holding and kissing me. It was just a dream.

bim

I just re-read this and wanted to rephrase. I said it without emotion so he would know that I meant it. Setting boundaries that I keep is a newer thing for me.

Years ago when he threatened me with getting paternity tests on the boys, I told him that he should expect D papers if he ever did such a thing. If you've read my thread, you know that he did this very thing about 2 1/2 years ago and here I still am...

bim

[Gnosis]

Congratulations BIM on standing up for yourself and maintaining control of your emotions.

[brownidmom]

BIM, take your time. Gather your thoughts and your emotions. I agree, you can't make him trust you.

One thing to bear in mind... Although yours, Luv's and Mindfull's situations may have some similarities in the ways your H's are behaving, they are not the same. There are different factors at play here.

((((BIM))))

Stay strong.

G, I totally agree with you that all our sitches are completely different, just that our H's are all disturbingly similar in how they behave with us. What drove them to that point though, not the same at all.