loftie, go to the main (first) page of this forum and click on new topic. Start your own thread with a title and we'll know where to find you and you'll have a place to post, ask questions, journal and vent.
I only skimmed your post since it's on Dudess' thread. Re write it on your own thread (break it up with paragraphs and make it easier to read). Concerned folks will be along (maybe not immediately) but we'll be there for you.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Sorry to just barge in your thread as I have not been an active participant prior to this regarding your situation.
You posted on a previous page you wondered how your spouse could be so dense yet so smart at work.
I have wondered this myself about my H. My H is *very* good at his job. He can have 5 phone lines going, 50 e-mails to answer, faxes flying in, vendor/team meetings, trainings, his management duties to attend to and he does all this while closing very lucrative deals all in a days work. He doesn't get flustered, he doesn't miss a beat, he uses ALL resources available to him, he negotiates and always finds a creative solution to any issue that may come up in a business sense. He will come up with 20 options to find a solution if necessary and find ways to communicate them to all parties involved.
If he could apply that same state of mind to his personal life it would be a true gift for HIM.
I have spoken to my counselor about this and he said its not uncommon for people who are very successful at their job to be very unsuccessful in their personal life. Reason being? Because at their job it is all mapped out for them. There are policy and procedures to follow. A protocol is necessary that they have been taught. The parameters are clear about what is acceptable and what is not. The resources available to them are clear. Essentially, for the nine hours my H is at work he has a plan he MUST follow if he wants to make money.
In real life though my H is very "black and white" and makes his choices on one option or another. If "work H" could teach "home H" a few things my H would be a MUCH happier person.
If there is a problem at work my H can't ignore it. He could lose a client therefore lose money. At home my H will ignore a problem until it festers so deeply he totally shuts down. Granted, we haven't lived together for 20 months but this had been an ongoing pattern for the 13 yrs. we spent together. Even now, when we do speak I still see that same pattern. He even sort of jokes about it... "you know me, ignore it until it goes away or just run". I have always wanted to ask him what would happen if he did that at work. He would not have a job. And that is why we no longer have a marriage.
The puzzling aspect is he is AWARE of this problem yet does nothing to change it. So any R that he has will eventually fall victim to the same problems we had. And no, I dont place the blame totally on him but HIS contribution to the demise of our marriage was his inability to "think" like he does at work and communicate his thoughts and feelings. In turn, I would get frustrated and try and drag what he was thinking out of him and conflict would arise. Then we would BOTH ignore the issue.
I know this doesn't offer you any sort of grand advice but I do think it's a pattern for many people.
If there is a problem at work my H can't ignore it. He could lose a client therefore lose money. At home my H will ignore a problem until it festers so deeply he totally shuts down.
-snip-
He even sort of jokes about it... "you know me, ignore it until it goes away or just run".
-snip-
The puzzling aspect is he is AWARE of this problem yet does nothing to change it. So any R that he has will eventually fall victim to the same problems we had.
Thanks for sharing that CG. This sounds very similar to my H in many ways. Maybe not much we can do about it, but sometimes it helps just to know someone else understands how frustrating it can be.
Had to exchange quite a few business related emails w/ H these past couple of weeks. I completely ignored some of his, like when he asked me if I had taken care of X, which doesn't benefit me in any way. I also ignored a couple of questions he asked, about business stuff when it didn't matter to me if he knew, and he was confused about what was going on anyway. In a couple of them, he stopped saying 'please' and 'thank you', so that made it a pleasure to ignore him.
Oh, he also said "so and so says hi", 'So and so' being people I was supposed to meet on this vacation but didn't. Another WTF moment. Thankfully I don't think we will have to communicate much about business now.
When he is cordial, I keep it light and brief. I just told him my girlfriend who loves to party is back in town. He always seemed a bit worried when she and I were together for girls night out. I wish I knew if he just doesn't think I would be with another man, or if he just doesn't care.
Dudess, If your bored go have fun for yourself. Doesn't matter what he might think, feel or wonder. Move forward.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Got an email from H today thanking me profously for my help on finalizing the business matter we had going.
He also asked me "How's life?" Interesting. He has said "Hope all is well" but has not previously asked about me.
Friday I was super busy and so had to send him quick IM in the early morning hours, (early morning where I am) to ask him to take care of X today because I was too busy.
Saturday I wrote & answered the business question he asked me Thursday and brief light stuff. But here's the thing, I don't think he read that email. (I can get a receipt if I request and I usually do when I send to him now.) Sometimes when he is behind on reading emails he just doesn't see ones further down the list. So as far as he knows, I still haven't replied to him.
So who knows if it is related, but sending a brief "I'm busy" IM and then nothing more (so far as he knows), resulted in a resurgence of his manners and an inquiry about my life. Hmmmm.
I seem to have lost some of my momentum in moving. It is now 7 weeks past the day H originally planned to return. The extra time is good, but I need to remember that he could decide to return at any time.
I sure wish he wouldn't. I would be quite content to stay here in this house indefinitely with him far, far away.
A friend of mine who moved away several years back is going to return to our city. She is a super-extravert who is always having parties and getting people together. I'm looking forward to that. An introvert like me just needs one friend like her to have a very full social life.
