Thanks fallgirl. I realize I had a part in this. I made some mistakes and a lack of communication on both our parts amplified those mistakes and helped foster her loss of feelings for me. This of cours adds guilt to the whole equation. I am trying to detach, but I still base some of it on how it affects my M. Meanwhile, w is talking to me less and less. Although she did look up family things to do with the family tomorrow. It also seems right now like I can't do anything right. One of my 180s was to do more around the house. So, I have been doing almost all of the chores. Also, I washed and detailed her truck. I'm not expecting thank you's but something other than her windows have water marks would be nice. Just trying to live with it, a d hope for a breakthrough at retro. I am off from work this coming week, it will be me a d the boys all week. I have much planned.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I see you trying to damn hard. The W is seeing this as a sort of act. Doesn't believe it. She will in time. Don't go overboard as a 180 + a few degree's more (seems normal to pile on the good stuff) gets back to full circle. Damn I nearly didn't follow what I just typed. You get the idea?
Great to see you're taking a break from work. Plan. Do stuff you've not had the time for. Do it for you and the little ones. If the W want's to tag along then great. If not? Well - who's loss will it be.
"I'm not expecting thank you's but something other than her windows have water marks would be nice."\
That's your problem right there. You have expectations. It doesn't matter if they're small or large, they're there.
You've been going around kissing her ass while things have been going on. What have you done for yourself to improve your growth? The thing is that you need to show how you have grown as well. She doesn't need someone to wash her car. She can take it for a car wash for that.
Detach now before you set yourself up for a huge fall.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I did not read all your posts, but I think our situations are very similar. I thought we were better, we even went to Retro, but we are back where we used to be. And OM might still be in the mix, at least she keeps him somehow as a backup plan.
I think what stuck said hits the nail on the head. Expectations are bad. I did the same things hoping that she would recognize how much I love her. As long as she is in a fog and - in my case - does not end the EA permanently, forget about expectations. I do what I need to do around the house, but other than some tactical coordinating around the kids, I do what I want. I ignore her pretty much. It is pretty hard when you still live in the same house, so I understand your problem very well. But getting to that point is crucial if you truly want to detach.
In my mind I have defined the event that will change all this. It is the moment she says "I am sorry I hurt you" or something similar. As long as she does not pay attention to the piece of wood in her own eye, she is none of my business.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
What stuck *and* mac said. Doing "almost all the chores" plus detailing her truck isn't a 180. It's like a 240. It's *more* than your fair share. So naturally you will *expect* to get some appreciation. Then when you don't ....
Do what you genuinely *want* to do or what you feel is a fair share of responsibility. That way you're doing it for *you* (as a useful member of the household) and not for *her*. That way, however she responds, you won't tend to feel the same resentment, 'cause you didn't do it "for her".
If she senses on any level with that wifely ESP that you're doing any of this to make an impression on her, it may well piss her off, because she might feel like it's fake and she's being gamed. That would tend to produce irritation and defensiveness, not gratitude.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
All WAW's are different I guess. I have done plenty of things there were more than my fair share- especially since I dont live there anymore. But she STILL thanks me for atleast 70% of the things I do for her. The end of our marriage is maybe 3 weeks away and she still comes off as nice alot of the time. This is just her individual "walk - away - wifeness" I guess I am saying that if she says thank you or not it may not mean a thing.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Doing more chores seemed like a 180 to me, but I see your point about going too far. Ws birthday is Monday. I got her a present and a card. She set up a big dinner at my favorite restaurant for my 40th. She did it because to her, decade birthdays are important. I had asked her to dinner for our anniversary and she declined. I didn't have anything planned for her. Her sister set up a brunch for tomorrow. Should I have done something? Not much communication tonight, well see what happens tomorrow.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
