The illusion of motion.....

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Looking for viewpoints from the good folks here...

in Feb. my W dropped the bomb on me- EA/PA with OW (we are a lesbian couple). I am pretty sure she's in a MLC. In the last year she has gone skydiving for the 1st time, took up golf & is now immersed in it (OW plays), got a tattoo, just bought a new Beamer convertible (two weeks after telling me she is worried her job could be a target for layoff). I got the ILYBINILWY speech...

In Feb. she said "to be clear, we are separating, and we are getting a divorce". This in spite of the fact that she also said the OW was "not a long term thing", she "didn't want to marry her", "did not want to introduce her to her family and was not interested in meeting hers". Now of course she is "in love with her".

The funny thing is this: she has retained a lawyer, but no papers have been filed (so the clock isn't really ticking yet). Says she wants a "quick, clean break so she can get settled", but won't have her attorney draw up a proposal for me & my attorney to review (doesn't want to pay a lot of money to the lawyers). She wants the two of us to work out an agreement we can take back to our lawyers, so we have had two meetings where we talk about how we might divide things, but have not come to agreement on anything because we have no hard real numbers we are working with.

She has done some concrete things, such as closing out lines of credit, taking me off her credit cards, talking to our insurance agent about separating the car insurance bills, but nothing earth-shaking or that isn't a financial arrangement that a still-married couple might have.

I am getting the feeling that she is making motions to appease the OW, our friends that are telling her to "make a quick clean break to cause as little pain as possible", and maybe convince herself she is actually doing something- all without doing much of anything. I am waiting for the booming voice that says "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"!

Am I seeing real signs of ambivalence here, or just looking too hard and hoping? Thoughts?

[peacetoday]

I think many of them fance sit
they want out
but
they want to keep us waiting just in case
they enjoy being part og the family
and they want to explore their OW
so if they can do both sucessfully, that is perfect
MY xh didnt want D
after almost 18 months of me DB, trring to connect with him ect, I told him to file
he is with OW but has taken serious plummeting since our D
your W seems to have many signs of MLC
tatoos
Car
as for us
watch the finances
she will spend
and take whatever, so be careful
they are NOT the same ones we trusted
take care of yourself now
its normal to think and look for any signs
maybe that is part of this journey for us until we can let go
but we find a way to move forward
take a class
get new clothes
volunteer
get a hobby
take piano or yoga
stay busy
therapy
whatever ti takes to get thru the pain
peace

[mermaid]

Arwen
Don't try to read too much into what she is or is not doing. If your w is in mlc, her behaviour will be all over the place and you won't be able to pin it down. Mlcers keep one foot in each world.
You will need a lot of patience to ride all of this out. Have you read the mlc resources? It is a good place to start and get some idea of what you are dealing with.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Try new hobbies, make new friends, do things you have always wanted to try. Do whatever you can to keep yourself sane.

[brandnewday]

Arwen,

Have you read the DB books?

Or Women in Mid Life Crisis?

These books will give you alot if insight into what is going on in her life right now.

Try to picture her as a beligerant teenager right now, who wants to be a grown up and do things her own way.

They throw tantrums, they are mean and make many bad choices.

You do need to validate her feelings, and NOT act like her Mother right now.

As hurtful as all of this is, she has to go through the stages all by herself, and figure out the mess in her head.

You can't do anything to make her snap out of it.

Do you know what triggered this behaviour?

There is also another book called Perfect Daughter's, this may also help.

I don't have a current thread but send me a holler on FaceBook if you have an account there.

Most of us oldtimers are located there, as well as Michelle Weiner-Davis the DB Queen.

((((hugs))))

And don't forget to breathe!!

[Arwen_in_NJ]

BND-
Thanks for your perspective! I have skimmed DB, carry DR with me everywhere I go, have not read WIMLC. I will look it up.

Your assessment is right on- her attitude is "it's all about me and what I want". Unfortunately, she has hooked up with OW who is not working right now, and even though she lives 1000 miles away, is free to be at my W's beck and call. In fact, the OW has put her house in IL on the market, and is looking for a job and apartment in this area. She spends at least 2 weeks a month here with my W. :-(

I am trying to be understanding and validate her- I have really put the brakes on being critical or disapproving. In fact, at our last separation discussion I told her it was not what I wanted (and she got the "oh no here it comes again" look on her face), but then said I was not going to stand in the way of her happiness. That seemed to relax her quite a bit.

I am worried though that she might see me as doormat for being understanding and "cheerleading" her in her work efforts. Like you, I am getting pressure from friends to move on and stop having any kind of hope. The W has said she had a "fundamental shift" and doesn't think she can shift back. At the same time, I have noticed a softening in her in the last month. Not sure what it means, though- whether she is missing me and our house (she is not staying in the house and she tells her how hard her "nomadic" lifestyle is right now) and wondering about her decision, or feeling less defensive because she has made her decision and seems to be moving forward with it. I guess I should not try to think it through so much...

I think the behavior was triggered by a health crisis her mother had that required her to go home for a month and take care of her (she died on the operating table during routine surgery and was resuscitated), the unexpected and sudden loss of one our dogs, and a move away from home for a temporary long term job assignment (and angry that I didn't go with her) all within 6 months.

I realize she has to work through it- I sure hope it doesn't take 5 years like your H....

[brandnewday]

They usually affair down......

What I mean by this is that most of the MLC'ers find someone who is "less than".

I mean this in the nicest possible way......

But they are usually less attractive, less educated and less intelligent then the LBS.

I think it makes the WAS feel needed, like the Knight on the white horse, it helps their ego and feeds their low self esteem.

We once had a thread all about the OW/OM, it was hysterical in a warped sort of way!!

One of the most important things to remember is that she will do everything she can to push your buttons. DO NOT REACT!!

She will also try to get you to hate her and then turn it around that you never loved her.

Oh the list goes on and on ........

And pray!!!

And don't forget to breathe!!!!

[Arwen_in_NJ]

BND-

You are sure right about the "affair down". Not to be immodest, but I am a pretty damn sexy almost 50 year old at 6' tall and 150 pounds. My W has put on about 30 pounds in the last year, and the OW probably goes about 225, and even my OW admitted (in the beginning) that OW is "not very attractive". How do you go to bed night after night with someone you admit you don't find attractive?? At least the OW IS intelligent (I think we are on par there) and educated.

Yesterday morning was unnerving.... I was in the house wanting for a friend to call as we had made plans to go to the beach. I hear a car pull into the driveway. I go outside and there is the W getting out of the new Beamer. Right behind her, the OW's car is pulling in the driveway!! Now, W knows the rule is that OW is NOT permitted on the property (she has sat in the car in the driveway waiting for W, but always when W knows I will not be home).

I can't believe that W has the balls to have OW even do as much as pull in our driveway while I am home! Talk about trying to push my buttons! I am totally taken aback, so I just turn and go back into the house- I am sure my face spoke volumes, though.

W comes into the house, and says she has to ask me to move my car, so she can put hers in garage. Fortunately, the phone rings, and I pick it up. It is friend ready to go to the beach, so I said I'll see her in 2 minutes. I hang up & tell W "no problem, I am just leaving".

I am forwarding my house phone line to my cell (I am a real estate agent part-time) and I am looking out the front window at the same time at OW's car. My W, from behind me, says "OW is not in town this weekend, that is just her car. Mary (one of my former best friends) is driving". I just said 'Oh, OK."

We turn to go outside, and as I pass my desk (which is right by the front door) I see that the DB website home page is up on my computer!! W had been standing right in front of it...! OY.

I get in my car and drive down the driveway- W and I wave at each other as we pass. I was totally flustered and p*ssed at myself that she probably saw the web page. After about an hour though, I was over it. She knows
I don't want to divorce, she knows I want to reconcile, so why should there be a surprise that I am looking at a divorce busting website? I haven't gotten the "I don't want you to have any hope" messages from her in a while... in fact, she seemed chipper and almost pleased with herself- maybe because she got a rise out of me when I saw OW's car (she used to say she "liked it when I got jealous")? Maybe because of the DB website? I dunno...

Anyway, had a great day at the beach! It's one of the best things I can do for my mental health.

BND- can't find you on FaceBook?

[peacetoday]

I dont think they really know what DBing really is anyway
MY xh would have just laughed and said oh anoher book
nothing nattrs to them b/c they are so into themselves, they hardly notice
glad you enjoyed the day at the beach
also I beleive they affair down emotionally
even if the OP is attractive
I think as time goes on they turn into more of a pycho type
controlling, needy, untrusting
MY xh used to go out frequently at night during the good parts of of M
he always went to mens groups ect. I trusted him and never thought about it
I cant imagine OW trusting him
how could they
after all OP and WAS had an agreement to cheat together
they knew WAS was M many with Ring still on
Not the kind of person I would want to Marry
peace