That was funny Kerry, I just remembered that movie...
So, I talked to stbxh last night. And while I was doing it, although I may have done some mistakes in expressing a few things, in general I think I was sensitive and careful.
The discussion ended with him saying "You are asking me to be someone else. This is me and I cant be any different". He said he cant be affectionate, tender, sweet talk to me, "it's not his style". When I said he has been all that with me, he said it was years ago. When I said he was all that with her, he said their R was new. He said, for him, it is enough to feel love for me, he thinks making me feel he loves me, is not something he can do. I cant believe, someone you love tells you they dont feel any emotion from you, someone you hurt offers ways for you to make it up to them, and you refuse to give anything else that what you feel comfortable with.
He said to start over is a theoritical thing. He wants that we just continue our R. I asked him to continue our R and pick up from? 2005, 2006, 2007?
I told him, although it would have been possible to save this, I refuse to save it for a few years, ignoring my needs and living on minimums. He apsolutely offerened no compromise,"he is the way he is". All that said in a nice way, he did say he loves me (not I love you but of "course there is love").
stbxH is stuborn and refuses change. And I cant live with what he offers. I am holding on to myself. Not bending. Not out of pride or egoism. Out of need of "survival". Any suggestions welcome. K
Hey K, can't sleep....so i figured i would drop you a line or three. For what it's worth, I also find it strange that a WAS who is trying to reconcile can not find the stregth or courage to at least offer change or offer some of what you want. Not forever but a few months, weeks. It's the least he can do to try.....no? So instead he offers: this is who i am. Well at least you have to give him points for being honest. I guess you have your answer .... the H you have before you is pretty much what you will get. +/- 20% either way but that is pretty much it. Ball is in your court. Either you accept him as is or you choose another path. It is strange that asking him to be compassionate and show you some well deserved love after 3.5 years of lies is asking him to be someone he is not. I can't believe it...you guys better get your behinds to a marriage counselor quickly because I get a sense that you both need someone ( athird party) to help you communicate. Either that or (here is another word you are not very fond of) settle.
J210
PS just thought of this...he mentions their relationship was new and therefore he could behave a certain way....is your relationship also not new in a sense as well? Sounds like he is taking you / your relationship for granted. Something is wrong here....it does not add up.
You are right John. He said so, we should pick up from we were left off and KNOWING he loves me should be enough...
But it isnt. He doesnt want to work on us. He just wants me to accept him and be happy with he gives me. No trying from his side. No change. But what he offers is what he was giving me before the affair, not during out good times. Which is a dealbreaker for me. Plain and simple. K
I took the time to read and catch up. (As usual, I am always behind.)
I have considered everything that has transpired and been said very carefully. What I come up with is that the time for talk/only talk is done. That doesn't mean you need to be or should be done.
There is a really good book called Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the World's Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers that came to my mind. Without having to read the book, the essence is this:
When you are training a wild animal, you train and encourage the behaviors/actions you want to see and ignore the ones you don't. No comment, no reaction, quiet, indifferent silence, and the cold shoulder. Trainers will actually turn their back and ignore the animal if they do something other than the expected behavior and make a huge deal of petting and stroking the animal when they do what is expected. (Scolding the animal is itself a reward, because it is attention.)
What I am advocating is this:
You told him what you want - which is all perfectly reasonable - but he is a separate human being from you and he can choose to do as you want, do it differently in a way that you may find is actually better than what you propose, make some changes and expect you to settle, or choose not to make any changes and stick to the "I am who I am" line. (This line usually indicates that the person is afraid, and especially afraid of change.)
What you need to do is stop initiating. Stop initiating the talks, the hugs, the kisses, the cuddling. Go about your day as if you don't want or need those things. Don't ask him to come over, don't keep asking for what he already knows.
Pull back and be busy. Declare your right to want what you want. But do it silently. You are Maria. You are Kalni Sunshine. You want a man to not only say he wants you, but to show it. And, you don't want to have to keep asking. So don't.
Perhaps he will rise to the challenge, perhaps he won't. When he makes a step forward he will get praise, cuddling, kisses, when he stagnates and does nothing he gets the cold, respectful, distant Kalni. You don't need a sex kitten costume to get what you want in the bedroom, either. I secretly think he is afraid of the passion that is inside of you. You are Maria, Kalni Sunshine, you shine and entice and probably scare the H*LL out of the man right now.
No need to expect yourself to make the final decision right now if you are done, or not done. Start today, and keep the faith in yourself that has gotten you this far.
(((Kalni)))
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I think there is a lot of wisdom in Wifey's post...
Of course, with human beings and their relationships there is a need for communication. Just ignoring a behavior you refuse to accept is not enough.
I wonder sometimes if part of the problem here in what we all expect from your husband is a cultural difference. I know that my perception of european men is that they are much more "old school" in their ways of dealing with emotional issues. Perhaps that is a misconception on my part, but I do wonder about it.
I do believe that Jack is on the mark regarding grieving the relationship that has ended, as painful as that is for those in our position. And I do resonate to some extent with his desire to have "her" not be a part of your conversations, because for this man at least (meaning me) it is hard to continuously revisit the things I have done to hurt my spouse.
That being said, I give him no quarter when it comes to acknowledging your needs and the needs of the relationship. As I told quite some time ago, I honestly believe that every man KNOWS the kinds of things their spouse needs to hear and see the most. We all have it within us to do those things, but they certainly require effort and in many cases a change in how we do things.
His words to you last night are unfortunate, because they do not sound like the words of a man who is dead set on rebuilding an intimate relationship with the woman he loves most in the world.
None of us want to be with someone who "sort of" wants to be with us. We all want to think that our spouse would move mountains to show their love to us. I'm not sure where that is in him.
I do hope that you will forgo any permanent decisions until you begin to see significant signs that he is at least moving in that direction.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
He said he cant be affectionate, tender, sweet talk to me, "it's not his style". When I said he has been all that with me, he said it was years ago.
You need these things from him now more than ever before. If he did these things "years ago", then it is within him to be this way. Something is preventing him from showing you love - guilt, fear of failure, insecurities...
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I am just following along. I have no good words...I remember how much it hurt last fall when Dan came back but he wasn't affectionate, wasn't trying, he was there but not there...
I know every situation is different. I just know how it feels to want something from the man you love and not get it.
