Hi all- Aver, yes I am hiring movers to do all the packing for me. It's costing a ton of $ but well worth it. They come on Tues and then I move out on Weds, fly home to CA of next week.
H and I had our tax call last night. He told atty in advance we were getting D. It went fine. We got some $ back this yr, and of course H wants to break it out to the %age of our salaries, but that's fine w me. I am taking all the furniture but paying him a small amount (rather taking out of tuition $ he owes me) for couple things he bought. I think this is only reasonable since I am literally taking everything (all stuff we bought together-which I mostly paid for, ALL our wedding gifts, etc). I feel a little weird about it, but he doesn't want much stuff. I may decide to sell a bunch of things in CA, but not in frame to make major decisions over what to keep or sell now. All the pics and mementos I think I'll just keep in storage in my mom's basement for now.
This is all moving so fast. After tax call we chatted breifly about forms he's drafting (which lists tuition repayment) and D papers. He did call Courthouse this week to get/clarify all necessary forms. He is most definitely pushing this forward. I HATE his timing of everything...he leaves it all to right before I leave (just like getting initial papers days before Xmas). I actually feel like I was in a better place to accept this/make this happen 2-3 weeks ago, but have been more emotional lately since our recent exchange. (Like, couldn't he have dealt w this a month ago like he said he would after our lunch, or Wait until my move stress was over??)
My mom told me I should not feel pressured to sign anything on the spot. H is coming over tomorrow (Sat) to get last batch of things and brining papers w him. Said something needs to be notarized and he wants to take care of it tomorrow. I DON'T want to do this...yet I know it's happening and I have no control over it.
I know I can't prevent this D, but it does so go against my beliefs (that D is really a last resort after you've tried everything). I accept that I cannot control H's actions/thoughts etc but it's really hard to sign/go along w something that you just don't want. I remember my feeling last yr was that if he's hell-bent on D, fine, he can file, but I'm not going to sign anything - it just so goes against my core beliefs. Then in more recent posts realize that joint-filing is the more amicable way to go. Knowing H he'll pull some manipulative stance that he won't repay me funds (or sign paper to) unless I sign D papers. I don't like to feel coerced into that as a manipulative tactic.
Personally I think a better thing for me - given that I've got a lot on my plate - is to take whatever he gives me and say I've got a ton on my mind right now, want the time to read over/digest, and wait until I have a quiet moment/in a better space. I know he's expecting me to sign things tomorrow so that he can go ahead and file next week. (I'd rather be at home first, settled, w the comfort of fam and friends)
Ugh. Is there anything I can do at this point to stop this? Resist signing? Just be friendly/amicable? Explain that I never wanted this... I dunno.
Peace all...last day of work before next week off and lots to tackle. This is definitely hard stuff. I want to come out strong, and yet I still feel so angry/hurt and betrayed. -hhh
HI HHH, MY first advice - DON'T sign anything until you run it by L - D is a legally biding contract and needing to talk to L will give you the space you need - and an easy excuse not to sign tomorrow. All WINS -
I totally agree with the beliefs thing - I don't believe in D either and THAT topic - my being forced into something I don't believe in - has been the main subject of my IC.
Cbug pointed out on someone's thread - TTA's I think - something that I think applies to you. H is pushing things only at times where you are visibly doing things that are strictly for YOU. Its a controlling passive aggressive thing.... I will find his quote.... I think you might be able to chalk it up to that. The move is something HE can't control - and he's had most of the control in this entire situation so far - so pushing the D on you RIGHT before you leave is his way of taking back control? Just my thoughts on that - not that we know what he's thinking
Take his info tomorrow and then wait until you get to SF and talk to the people who can help you make sure its FAIR and the RIGHT settlement for you - and only sign when you are ready!!
BIG BIG HUGS!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
My thoughts. Even a blind man can tell when he is walking in the sun. I find it interesting that your H deploys some very passive aggressive controlling techniques on you and you may not realize it. An example would be contacting you around when you were moving. All his actions to open up with you always happen when you are doing something for yourself. Just enough to keep you in the place where he wants you to be. Same now with your trip... He builds up the contact. Just enough. You have mentioned that you deploy control with anger. A very wise good friend described anger to me like it was holding a ball underwater. It eventually must surface.
Here is the quote that made me think of you!! Maybe this helps?
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Talia, thanks so much for your post! (And I've gotta figure out how to lock my thread and start a new one too). I actually read that same quote this morning and it had me thinking too... but it actually had me thinking of something else: this was the role reversal during much of our M. I would often have doubts, say every 6 or 12 months, if he was the right one for me, perhaps we should take a break (kind of like what TTA's H has done)...and then when H left I was like, 'no I don't want to lose you..I want to address things work on us, etc' But too late, he didn't want to give us another chance again.
Anyway, that's in the past..and you're right, I actually think HE is doing some of that same stuff now. I think my move is pushing him to take action...but unfortunately not the action I want; it's making him want to finalize things now. But all the blame he's recently laid on me (my fault he's in debt, my fault i 'didn't let him file last yr' - come on!) is absolutely passive aggressive behavior.
I won't sign anything on the spot, and I'm not going to let him manipulate me into anything. He's trying to be somewhat kind one minute, and then get something the next. He's just been really selfish lately for the most part.
I thought of you when I posted above about the core beliefs...b/c I know you have the same stance too. I think both of us are trying to deal w the cards we've been dealt with humility and grace (and try to become better throughout this process). I think we've tried most everything, and should be proud for that.
I like your new list. I am trying to be grateful for the little things and well.
Wishing you peace. Sounds like you're getting yourself in awesome shape these days. Hugs! hhh
Knowing H he'll pull some manipulative stance that he won't repay me funds (or sign paper to) unless I sign D papers. I don't like to feel coerced into that as a manipulative tactic.
Personally I think a better thing for me - given that I've got a lot on my plate - is to take whatever he gives me and say I've got a ton on my mind right now, want the time to read over/digest, and wait until I have a quiet moment/in a better space. I know he's expecting me to sign things tomorrow so that he can go ahead and file next week. (I'd rather be at home first, settled, w the comfort of fam and friends)
Ugh. Is there anything I can do at this point to stop this? Resist signing? Just be friendly/amicable? Explain that I never wanted this... I dunno.
H, Absolutely. Go with your plan. Tell H you need to have L review, you are right in the midst of moving, and will read it carefully once you're in SF. Is this a legal doc, did he have a L draw it up? Please DO not sign it until you have an L look at it first. You may be feeling worried that H will lash out, as seems to be his pattern. This is totally understandable. Can you arrange to have a friend or someone else be there when H arrives? Or, can you text him now, telling him you've got A, B & C going on tomorrow, it's chaotic & ask him to have the doc sent to your new address?
I don't think you should say you never wanted this. Don't go down that path. He already knows. Keep it polite but firm.
Very interesting, what Talia posted. He has gone over a yr. without doing anything about the D & now you're moving Wed. and suddenly he wants you to sign something (is it a S agrmt or D papers?) tomorrow??
Try practicing what you'll say to him. Please DO not sign the thing until you are comfortable & ready. I know that feeling of being pressured and it is very uncomfortable. You are stronger than you think, let him know tomorrow's not good. It's too close to moving time.
Hi friends, Quick update (in midst of packing). No word from H on Sat (surprise surprise..). was glad b/c did not feel like dealing w him then as I had a fun night planned with friends. He called yesterday and arranged to come by this afternoon.
It was surprisingly anti-climactic and just fine. We had a few laughs over keeping/throwing away random tchotchkies collected over the years. He was hear about 45 mins total. Zero R talk. He just signed tax forms he needed to and took them to mail. That was fine by me - i did not want to get into anything now and I think it was best for both of us to keep it to simple housekeeping matters.
Walked him to his car..big hug. He said 'this is not goodbye..we'll keep in touch' followed by 'this is not sad, this is good...' (us splitting, my move, who knows?) It was just fine. And I saw that surprisingly (to myself even) non emotional. No tears or anything, just calm/upbeat/friendly. But weird, nonetheless.
Y'know...as I was walking back thought in the back of my head... of course it would have been nice if he'd offered to actually help me with this (move), or 'might have been nice to grab a bite together before i left' (given that I have random strangers who I just met offering to help me out. But one thing that I realize throughout this process is that I have let go of expectations! I really don't expect much of him so I'm no longer disappointed. Like he didn't call Sat to come by...and I was not surprised at all (I was somewhat relieved, actually). I just have very low expectations surrounding him at this point and that's for the better overall. Like if we'd gone to dinner it could have gotten awkward or emotional right before I am leaving, and so maybe that's for the best. The offer or gesture seems like it would have been the 'right' thing to do, but no expectation here at all and probably more self-protection to just retreat back to my apt and relax and get things done.
No mention of tuition signage or D papers...and that is just fine and QUITE preferred for me right now. I want to put my attn and focus on moving on, relaxing, having fun right now. Cards will fall into place here eventually. I'm not worried about tuition $ at this point b/c I'm not signing any D papers until that's in writing and H knows that...so potential wins on both sides..if he wants his D then I want the $ agreement in writing.
Doing OK. Beautiful sunny day here in Boston and taking it all in. Walking around and enjoying last few days here. Feel odd in some ways about how calm I am right now, and yet excited about my move and the next adventure. Set-backs will come along the way, but for now I'm doing just fine..
HHH, WELL PLAYED! I think its funny that he was so hard set to have you signing paper's before you left but wasn't so committed when it actually came time to make it happen. Just goes to show that some people/things never really do change. I hope you saw his "more of the same" behaviors!
Funny how when you stop letting things worry you they tend not to happen! I think you are right - no reason to spend any real time with him pre-move. You don't need the added stress.
If I remember right - the move is today or first thing tomorrow?? Good luck and let us know how you are when you get settled!!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
wish I could have been more on top of reading your posts.
You are handling this beautifully. Letting go of expectations. Not signing things until you are happy in SF.
I envy your move to SF. Funny, how in each of our sitch's we think the other person has some factor that makes it "better" or "easier" for them. Like LFA not wanting the house, or you having friends/job across country, or me not having any children to deal with.
I look forward to reading about your new life in SF. I assume you are driving there? or flying and a moving company takes all your stuff?
Hi friends, But one thing that I realize throughout this process is that I have let go of expectations! I really don't expect much of him so I'm no longer disappointed. Like he didn't call Sat to come by...and I was not surprised at all (I was somewhat relieved, actually). I just have very low expectations surrounding him at this point and that's for the better overall.
Hi H, This is key, I think you just helped me realize something too - That over time I've been doing this too. Well put.
If today (Wed) is moving day, I won't expect to hear from you for a while. Just want to wish you all the best, hope the move goes smoothly, and BTW you sound like you are doing great! Very glad to hear it. Catch us up when you get some time. (((H))))
