Yes, we want to kick ourselves and double-guess, and what if. It's natural.
But it's what we are on this site, and going to C if we can afford it, to learn to STOP.
I'm not pretending I have any answers. It's like I have memorized phrases in a foreign language--the hope is that with enough repetition, nudges from my friends here, C, and learning to sit with those darn emotions, that gradually the light will dawn--oh! that's what that phrase means! Now I can actually use it in a useful way.
I don't know that I agree with Pearl about how much we can choose/not choose the roller coaster. I think sometimes we find that the roller coaster has snuck up behind us, thrown us in the car, and off we go! And then the best we can do is: observe it. Accept the roller coaster. Sit with it. Know the ride will end soon. It might come back! But the odds are it will be a smaller roller coaster next time.
You are only fighting for what is right and best for you, and unfortunately money always feels ugly to talk about.
But you learned that water-off-duck is the best approach, so you can use that next time.
av, I think you and hhh both have the same problem with the roller coaster. Any time the emotion hits--aka the roller coaster car arrives--you assume you have to jump on and ride the ride for the duration. I disagree. I think you can look at the car, know that it's going to take you for a crazy ride, and choose not to get on. You can acknowledge the feelings and feel them within reason, you don't have to go all out and wallow and give up your hard earned progress.
Remember, I whack with 2x4's because I like you!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Hi- I really do see it both ways. Sometimes the roller coaster just hits. Was chatting w my mom Sunday night telling her I was frustrated how awful/sad I felt again, after feeling so done a few days before, and that was her response: 'it is a roller coaster, and likely will be for awhile' Not to mean you need to stay on it...I have been through enough dips in the process to know you can get yourself out of them, they don't last forever, but they do really hurt at the time.
And I realize the more harsh/tough approach does not work w my H. Being greeable and amicable does more (not to mean I'm going to let him walk all over me). Here's the thing - in some ways I feel the email was a backslide for me b.c now that this process is rolling/becoming more final, I feel myself wanted to grasp on more..I'm feeling it harder to move on all over again. I wish I had followed the 'if it's not going to hurt you legally or emotionally just wait' track. I don't want to have a part in making this final/happen. I think it would be easier to accept this if I did nothing (and still moved on) and let him take action when the time is right. I felt so much better before this recent exchange we had...and I wish I could continue that process. I felt fine and strong past couple of weeks...the reality and finality always makes it so much harder.
And here's the thing - I now feel like I do not want to sign anything. I want to move to CA and continue to heal and get on with my life, but I still don't want to make this final. Fighting him on the D at this point prob not good, but I don't want to do anything right now when I am a bit stressed about move and other stuff in my life.
I guess I am just feeling really really sad. And I know it won't last forever...I go through the motions and will myself to get out of this place (I've done it before - I know I can), but I feel that wave of being totally heartbroken again. I cried to sleep a bit last night..just feeling so sad about how his family has made zero contact w me this past year, just totally written me off (I know that hurts my mom too, she's written Xmas cards to them and just wanted to keep peace)...it's sad how someone can be a part of your life - larger extended fam that is - and then just basically make you feel you never existed. It hurts. I'm sad that he walked and took the easy way out...sometimes I feel disbelief still a bit over the whole thing, other times much more ok with it.
I was in church on Sunday thinking about how I was 8-10 months ago..I remembered going to church and feeling so anxious I could barely sit still. This past Sunday I felt calm, ok, relaxed. Now those anxiety feelings are back again. But I had them last Dec when we met and he gave me the simple paperwork - I felt like i was going to fall apart - and then a few days later back home with friends and fam I felt fine. So that's the roller coaster I guess.
I want to continue to heal. I want to be OK. Happy. Love again. Right now I'm fighting it again though, I'm sad...I feel like I miss him again, somehow. Sometimes the loss just cuts so deep. I lost my father 8 yrs ago and this pain is definitely so much worse. At the same time I've had way more happy/fun times than sad times over these past 6 months, and I'd like that to continue.
We have our tax call tonite...keeping it simple and businesslike. We've had decent/kind text/email exchanges these past few days. I emailed him Mon night saying I'd be happy to work w him on being more flexible, but please don't blame me for things that are consquences of your not wanting to be married again. He emailed back an apology and saying we both had a role in getting where we were, let's just move past that and keep ourselves in a good place.
I move in 1 wk from today. I just don't want to be part of pushing this process forward right now. If he presents me w papers (he said he called the courthouse this wk to inquire about forms, I know my email/our discussion prompted him to do this...that's why I was feeling some regret..I don't want to be part of pushing this along). I want to be in a better state/probably in CA when I feel more OK doing this. Maybe it's avoidance...but I don't want to do this. I am still fighting the D internally right now. I try to practice acceptance but I am having a hard time now.. How do I continue to DB and heal myself now?
Back on the road to meetings, will check inlater tonite Thanks guys, hugs hhh
"And I realize the more harsh/tough approach does not work w my H. Being agreeable and amicable does more (not to mean I'm going to let him walk all over me). Here's the thing - in some ways I feel the email was a backslide for me b.c now that this process is rolling/becoming more final, I feel myself wanted to grasp on more..I'm feeling it harder to move on all over again. I wish I had followed the 'if it's not going to hurt you legally or emotionally just wait' track. I don't want to have a part in making this final/happen. I think it would be easier to accept this if I did nothing (and still moved on) and let him take action when the time is right. I felt so much better before this recent exchange we had...and I wish I could continue that process. I felt fine and strong past couple of weeks...the reality and finality always makes it so much harder."
I think you need to evaluate WHY you think your approach was harsh. IMO YOU were not harsh and YOU are not responsible for how he perceived your email. HE is the one being harsh and its got nothing to do with you - he's taking HIS emotions out on you. You don't deserve that.
"And here's the thing - I now feel like I do not want to sign anything. I want to move to CA and continue to heal and get on with my life, but I still don't want to make this final. Fighting him on the D at this point prob not good, but I don't want to do anything right now when I am a bit stressed about move and other stuff in my life. "
This is avoidance.... I'm not saying you can't wait to do this until the moving stress is over.. but I think you need to really look at why you want to avoid ending something that doesn't exist anymore.
"I guess I am just feeling really really sad. And I know it won't last forever...I go through the motions and will myself to get out of this place (I've done it before - I know I can), but I feel that wave of being totally heartbroken again. I cried to sleep a bit last night..just feeling so sad about how his family has made zero contact w me this past year, just totally written me off (I know that hurts my mom too, she's written Xmas cards to them and just wanted to keep peace)...it's sad how someone can be a part of your life - larger extended fam that is - and then just basically make you feel you never existed. It hurts. I'm sad that he walked and took the easy way out...sometimes I feel disbelief still a bit over the whole thing, other times much more ok with it."
Totally a natural part of the grieving process - HOWEVER - I think this might be an example that your best solution is to just get out of the car. You can't control how THEY handle any situation.. and you have to know that - again - it probably NOT related to how they feel about you ... its got to be more related to their feelings/loyalty to H. ITS NOT PERSONAL... just keep that in mind.
I was in church on Sunday thinking about how I was 8-10 months ago..I remembered going to church and feeling so anxious I could barely sit still. This past Sunday I felt calm, ok, relaxed. Now those anxiety feelings are back again. But I had them last Dec when we met and he gave me the simple paperwork - I felt like i was going to fall apart - and then a few days later back home with friends and fam I felt fine. So that's the roller coaster I guess.
Each step toward finalizing can the a new round in the grieving process - at least thats what my IC says. Take it for what it is and go through the steps.. don't get hung up on it.
[quote=hhh]I want to continue to heal. I want to be OK. Happy. Love again. Right now I'm fighting it again though, I'm sad...I feel like I miss him again, somehow. Sometimes the loss just cuts so deep. I lost my father 8 yrs ago and this pain is definitely so much worse. At the same time I've had way more happy/fun times than sad times over these past 6 months, and I'd like that to continue. [quote=hhh]
You have total control over making this happen for yourself!
[quote=hhh]We have our tax call tonite...keeping it simple and businesslike. We've had decent/kind text/email exchanges these past few days. I emailed him Mon night saying I'd be happy to work w him on being more flexible, but please don't blame me for things that are consquences of your not wanting to be married again. He emailed back an apology and saying we both had a role in getting where we were, let's just move past that and keep ourselves in a good place. [quote=hhh]
I think you might be finding false hope in the recent communications. H has shown he can only be nice to you when its on his terms... He is trying to control you withi his apology... NO apology should ever be qualified ... EVER. "I'm sorry BUT..." is not an apology. Its a control mechanism to manipulate you into doing what he wants with guilt. Don't fall into that trap.
[quote=hhh]I move in 1 wk from today. I just don't want to be part of pushing this process forward right now. If he presents me w papers (he said he called the courthouse this wk to inquire about forms, I know my email/our discussion prompted him to do this...that's why I was feeling some regret..I don't want to be part of pushing this along). I want to be in a better state/probably in CA when I feel more OK doing this. Maybe it's avoidance...but I don't want to do this. I am still fighting the D internally right now. I try to practice acceptance but I am having a hard time now.. How do I continue to DB and heal myself now?[quote=hhh]
You aren't pushing anything forward! This is going to happen no matter what - unless H finally see's the error of his ways - which dosen't look likely. You need to STOP telling yourself that you have any kind of influence over him. NOTHING you do - no one thing - is going to GREATLY influence the situation. You didn't "DO" anything by sending that email. He's still manipulating you into being nice to him and placating him by suggesting anything else. Don't fall into it.
You've honored your commitments to him that were made during your lunch. The rest is in his court - let him handle it. Don't stress yourself out too much about it - YOU DIDN'T put a D in motion - HE DID 1 year ago when HE left... Just remember that....
(((((HHH)))))
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Sometimes we are not aware of how our psyche works and how we would react. The hardest part is learning your limits. You don't know them until you hit them.
I know we will be ok. I know there are plenty of people out there with whom we can get along if we have desire. Still our subconscious is sabotaging us and taking us for a ride.
We have a choice to be aware of that and use our brain or let subconscious run our lives.
Thanks friends and for the reminders about the roller coasters and cars and various other rides! I was feeling very anxious and sad about everything past couple of days... a little more grounded now that I'm back home. Corresponded w some good friends yesterday which helped. Tax call did not happen last night since acc't was running late, so doing it tonite. Been invited to a few parties when I get back to SF, so things to look forward to.. Still the random memories/feelings pop up...like just getting coffee this morning and remembering when H and I used to do that together, then lounge on the couch and talk.. little waves of sadness come on.
Talia - what you wrote about all very true...and issues w his family i do for the most part see as more to do with them than me. Can't take these things personally, i know. And you are right, I did not put the D in motion... but I've got to stop thinking about some of the things I did in my M that got us there, which creep up from time to time and I feel bad. But there are others in same situation who would not have walked, I need to remember that.
Not sure what to do w all my 'stuff'. I am keeping most of furniture - which I want - but it'll be weird to have wedding china and stuff like that ..maybe i'll just put in storage and sell at a later date. Lots of reminders which may be hard..
H, Glad you are feeling better. I think being around family & old friends helps so much... Great to have things to look forward to in SF.
You sound better. I know, I've thought that too about the china & stuff when I move out. Not looking forward to it. But think what you've come through the past year - it wont' be worse than that! That's what I'll tell myself when it comes time for me. Maybe you can have a good friend or two help you with that.
You're a little ahead of me in this process, & are doing great dealing with everything. Keep it up & keep feeling better! (((Hugs)))
Oh, HHH, I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing so honestly. All I can do is repeat what everyone tells me: it is process. Time and time and time.
And you have an exciting move to SF to make! That will help so much.
Re: packing stuff like wedding china. Can you have a friend do it, and then store it somewhere? If I were there, I would do it for you! It seems like a reasonable request to make of someone--maybe not the storing part, but help with packing.
I decided that part of my "move out" price would be (assuming it comes to that) a professional company to pack things. No way do I need the grief of wrapping pictures, etc. I realize that might not REALLY come true for me, in which case I will enlist friends. Can you do the same?
Peace--I so look forward to your first post from SF!
