Just want my H back

[mindfull]

ONE MORE... this one gets extra points for the sexy sexy bald man doing the singing... did I mention I have a weird fetish about sexy bald men..... TMI??

Uh, Oh, Look out GNO!!! LoL

[avermont]

HHH--

that was a totally nice, totally fine email! Almost too nice, if you ask me.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with H calling you up and being terrible about it.

But--if it helps you see that H is not the man you fell in love with--if his bad behavior helps make it more and more clear that he is a different person now--maybe it is OK that he acted like such an a&&h**le (IMHO) about your email.

If a little righteous anger helps move you along, good.

How are your moving plans going? I'm actually jealous that you and Pearl got to hang together in person!

Talia, I don't know how you or any of you, are listening to music/songs at all. For me, it is all Salsa or Afropop or Cajun--anything with some rhythm and NO words I can understand!

HHH--thinking of you--hugs--

[hhh]

Hi,
Feeling a bit shaky again this morning. After past 2-3 days of feeling so done, I am feeling sad again. I had sent the email Thurs night answering L questions he had and asking about tuition payment in writing. It backfired big time. While at the time I didn't think so b/c felt it just brought out his true colors, now I'm feeling a little weird about it. He called me several times again that night, then apologized via text for acting so angry and that I just caught him off guard. He called me again 4 times on Fri and then left a text to stop screening my calls. Called again Sat morning and we agreed him come over Sun to get his remaining stuff.

When he came I was feeling pretty confident and pretty over him. When he brought up the tuition convo it spiraled into a fight for about an hour. He's in a lot more debt than I realized and he would make a point and I would say 'well it's not my fault you took all those trips' or a few things that my mother encouraged me to point out. Not worth it b/c it just engaged in tit-for-tat. Fine line b/w holding my line and just keeping the peace w him. Our lunch last month was our best interaction when I let little things slide. I ended up crying a bit b/c I just didn't want to fight anymore and felt a little attacked. He needed more of a 4-yr payment plan and we went back and forth over stupid stuff, then furniture. I am keeping most everything in the apt and all he wants is a couple things - I feel like a bitch if I don't give them to him. He kept telling me 'you don't need the money' 'I do' (the tuition repayment). Many of the points he said were just not valid, but I got to the point where I didn't want to fight anymore. I read on someones posts that fighting over $ can surely lead to the demise of a M. Other stupid catty exchanges too. Ugh...don't want to end like this.

We made amends and the rest of our time together was civil...we both hugged and apologized and engaged in some small talk. Then I felt really sad and emotional...when we are civil and friendly w each other those tender feelings come back and I realize I still care for him tremendously. He did apologize several times and said 'sorry I get defensive about money...it's my weak spot and I'm working on it' That was big of him.

I know it's not necessary but at one point - when we were in heat of argument - it just came out that he walked away etc - and he went down the path that 'i made his life hell and i pushed him out' that stuff just stings, especially b/c I've worked on and see things i did. but here we are.

he said he'd go to courthouse this week and get papers and take care of filing and pay the fees. so he is now taking charge in this process. I feel sad and empty again...after weeks of feeling over him (and there are still many qualities that i do not like), I feel the loss raw and new again.

I know I shouldn't go here in my mind but it did pop up last night - 'what if i didn't send the email and go down that path?' = and just let him brings things up. We have our tax appt this Weds so I should have known the $ conversation would have come out eventually. I know I felt like I wanted to get the ball rolling in some ways these past few weeks, now I feel sad and like I want to stall.

I went to church yesterday and lunch w my aunt and really truly felt in my heart 'i am DOne...let's get this on' (especially given his behavior thurs night and all the calls/texts)... and why does it feel so hard again now? It is a roller coaster, I know. Now I understand more where he is coming from and why he reacted that I have more compassion for him (as opposed to feeling irritated by his reaction)...he freaked out when he say my payment suggestion over email and said he fears I have a L and will take him to court or something. I assured him that's not the case, but that's why he got so upset. Now that I can see it more through the lens of understanding, I feel less annoyed/angry at him, and more kindness and love.

I took a hot shower after he left and just let the tears flow. Talked to my mom last night. Slept OK. Just really sad and I don't like feeling this way - I want to feel empowered and strong but there is still a deep tenderness and care I have for him.

ANd I wonder, is it worth fighting over stuff/$? I've agreed to a generous payment plan - and I'm fine w that - but I wonder if I let the $ stuff go would it have made any difference? How to proceed now? Just be calm and kind. I am feeling again like I want to divorce-bust. And I sorta wish I hadn't gotten the ball so in motion...

[hhh]

Hi all,
Just journaling a bit more after my last post.. I guess the email in itself was not so bad or wrong, and H even apologized for how he reacted. I guess I hit a sensitive spot for him and I realize his $ situation is a bit tougher than I thought.

I guess what I'm most upset about is how I handled myself yesterday. Wish I could have rolled w the punches a bit more as I did over our lunch last month. I know going tit-tat goes nowhere, and is not a cycle I want to engage in, it's cheeseless tunnels. I felt a little attacked too, with him telling me that it was my fault that he payed so much of his tuition upfront versus taking it all in loans, since he doesn't have as much now. I encouraged this - and made partial payment myself - b/c I thought of us as a married couple and we were in this together. Perhaps I should have let it roll.. I wasn't acting in a DB way, really. Wish I had just agreed to the flexible timeline (which i ended up doing anyway) with all the un-necessary fighting in the beginning. Not good that I did that.

I hate it when he tells me I drove him away...what matters most is that I worked on many things to better myself across this past yr, and he did not want to give us another shot. He keeps saying those things to justify his actions. As I know, as others on here about their spouses, that he did have some very valid concerns about my role in the breakdown of our M. But I've addressed those. Isn't that worth something?

Ugh...I know I prob seem like I'm backsliding a bit. It's a roller coaster. When I don't react to him I see things he does as his own issues, versus my part in them. Need to be stronger about this now.

[GoBison]

Hi hhh,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I am in the same boat as you feeling like I am done one day and the next hoping that she will call to work on things. I sent off the changes on the final draft to my lawyer this morning. All that is left for us is to sign the papers and the judge to sign-off.

I hate it when he tells me I drove him away...

So you did things that he didn't like. He probably did a lot of things that you didn't like either. You stayed with the marriage he CHOOSE to leave. Don't own his portion of the breakdown and his choice to leave. All you can do is be the best you there is.

I guess what I'm most upset about is how I handled myself yesterday. Wish I could have rolled w the punches a bit more as I did over our lunch last month. I know going tit-tat goes nowhere, and is not a cycle I want to engage in, it's cheeseless tunnels. I felt a little attacked too, with him telling me that it was my fault that he payed so much of his tuition upfront versus taking it all in loans, since he doesn't have as much now.

Feels weird standing up to your h on something doesn't it. He has to suffer the consequences of his actions. If you were still married then paying as you did for his tuition wouldn't have been a problem. He is done with the marriage no sense of you carrying his education costs longer than you need to. He will find a way to make the payments just make sure that a structured payment is in the final divorce papers. Take care

[pearlharbr]

hhh,

You are responsible for getting on and off the roller coaster. If you didn't want to fight with H then you should have asked him to leave and come back at another time.

You know darn well that sending the email was a good and necessary thing and also that it did not cause your D. Yep, it was definitely that one email I sent on 2/24 that ended my marriage. Up until that point I knew we had a chance to work things out but that one email nailed the coffin lid shut. Can you see how silly that seems?

Yes, fighting over money is bad. That's why you should leave it up to the lawyers. No matter what you may think at this moment, giving in to him is not going to win you any points. He's just pushing your buttons to get what he wants. Same old story. Remember, he chose the actions so he chose the consequences. Period.

Regarding him telling you that you drove him away--it's time to let this go. He may continue telling you that for the next 10 years. Why? Because he knows how you will react and it makes him feel better about being a coward and walking away. Stop reacting. If someone kept insisting that the sky is green would you continue to argue about it? Obviously they're wrong but it doesn't change what you know to be the truth. Accept that that is the way he feels and nothing you ever say or do will change it. Doesn't make him right. Just releases you from the turmoil you're inflicting upon yourself.

Now stop wallowing! It's perfectly normal and understandable that you'd be sad after meeting with H and getting the paperwork going. Feel those feelings. But that shouldn't mean you're back to ground zero or even 10 steps back. Shake it off, remind yourself of all the good things going on in your life and turn on the PMA.

[trytryagain]

(((hhh)))

i know the back and forth feelings, one day up, next day down, overanalyzing - should i have said this, should i not have said that. you're not alone. i think it's perfectly ok to have a bad day here and there. i took a hot shower myself on friday night and let my tears flow when i decided to spend the evening with friends instead of my H. it was the 5 year anniversary of our first date. obviously you will still have feelings for him, but i do agree with others here that you are letting what he says manipulate the way you feel. you are always ALWAYS in control of your reactions and your emotions and how you respond to other people. it's totally ok to feel the way you feel, but please don't let yourself think that YOU drove your H away. just like i am not alone in what brought my M to the point it's at, neither are you. everyone makes mistakes and no one knows how to be a perfect spouse. but like GoBison said, HE is the one who chose to leave and not work things out, not you. don't let what he says make you think anything different. you were willing to own up to your mistakes. you were the one willing to work things out.

don't let him make you feel bad over money, either. he may "need" it more than you do, but that doesn't mean that he deserves it or has earned it or has the right to have it. don't feel like a b$tch for looking out for yourself financially. remember he wouldn't be in the situation of setting up a payment plan with you had he not wanted out in the first place.

big hugs...keep talking to god and finding your answers within yourself. you are the only one who knows what's best for you!

[hhh]

Thanks friends for your kind words. I know it's not 1 thing or an email that set stuff off. And I am realizing the 'tough love' per se approach does not work well with H. What works best is 'water off ducks back' w him and being agreeable. Truth be told the $ is not my main concern..being able to feel good and move on in a healthy way is. While I don't want to have him walk all over me, I'd rather he realize the error of his ways without my reacting to him (which he did when he texted me late Thurs night after lambasting me for 30 mins).

Went to a session with IC today...just feeling really low and anxious this morning. Trying to feel the feelings...gosh they are darn hard and Embrace the Suck. I know H has lots of issues to work through, and I think is somewhat irresponsible with money which would be an issue b/w us anyway.

I know in his head he blames me to justify his actions. I know I was not that bad of a wife, and god I accepted responsibility and worked on my issues. Would be nice if I could still DB but he is where he is...I would just rather deal w the deck I'm dealt rather than engineer the process.

He needed, and I wanted him to, come over yesterday to get his stuff. We ended on a positive note but I'm still sad and in mourning in many ways, and may be for awhile. Don't know what else to say...I was feeling so strong and confident when he first came over but think it spiraled downward after he blamed me (and manipulated, you guys are right!) for the situation he is in.

It is what it is and it hurts but I know I've been feeling past couple weeks that maybe we weren't right for each other and I deserve better..but the accusations and then the tenderness were a hard juxtapostion. I've learned that they best way to be around him -for us and for my own state/feeling- was how I held myself together over our lunch date last week.

This is still going to be a tad rough/roller coaster for the months ahead, and I know it and should prepare. Yes you can get off the roller coaster but we're all human and sometimes the dips do come, regardless. Ugh. We move on..

hugs,
hhh

[talia]

HHH,
Hang in there - like Pearl says - you just have to feel it. Its natural to move through the grieving process in waves through this - its an ongoing pain. You will move back and forth through all the stages and sometimes be experiencing multiple ones at the same time!! Cut yourself some slack and remember - YOU have still done ALOT of work over the last year and YOU are a much better person than H will ever be!!

You are stronger than you think- forgive yourself !


T

[LookingFrAnswers]

H,
Checking in to lend support & hugs. Have caught up and you have come so far! You've learned what "works" w your H (water off a duck's back instead of tough love) & in your last post you sound more sure of what you want, more confident and assertive than ever before! Bravo!

It's true how we go up & down. 2 weeks ago I was a mess, felt I was going backwards. Last week I was fine. even though I know you're kind of down, the difference I hear is you are no longer doubting yourself. You know what you want, from an H and for yourself, you know your worth and what you deserve. That doesn't mean you (or me or any of us) won't ever feel sad, down, the loss. But you've set your boundaries & H pushed back. Your email was totally nice! He was over reacting to make himself seem like a victim. He even realized himself & that's why he back pedaled & apologized. I'm sorry you had to go through his verbal abuse. (sounds like it to me).

But I'm glad you see that you've done nothing wrong, in fact what you've done is the best thing for you. And you did it in a very kind way. I think you can see that his erratic behavior (attacking then apologizing) shows he's not really being logical.

This hit home: "ANd I wonder, is it worth fighting over stuff/$? I've agreed to a generous payment plan - and I'm fine w that - but I wonder if I let the $ stuff go would it have made any difference? ."

I am going through this now too, finalizing the S agreement, which once signed will be a 1/2 hr. court date to dissolve the M. I've come back & asked for H to pay for 1/2 my L fees, and split the cr. card debt 60/40, not b/c of the money but the principle of me not paying for his bar tabs, dinners out etc. I've second guessed myself, folks on here have said it's not being petty. I just keep coming back to, he's done & I'm done with married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. So I don't think asking for more in the S agrmt. is going to make any difference 1 way or another. And for you, I don't think anything in your email to H would make any difference. You did the right thing.

Thank you for that really nice post you left on my thread. I really do feel like we're good friends after all these mos., and we do have some similarities in our sitches. You've helped me more than you know so if anything I've posted helped you then I am really glad. You have your head on straight and are headed in a very exciting direction. I am excited for you! Sending lot of support & hugs your way. ((())))