Hi Aver, Right, isn't it unreal how reality is? I guess my last hope is to convey the Aver/PearlHarbor attitude in my emails since that is the only C I have w H. Don't have many illusions beyond that.
I need to check in on your thread. I know & you probably do too that you will handle whatever happens, it's just a process getting to that point. If I think back to 6 months ago about how I felt about H leaving the M, (world is ending vs. I'm sad but I'll survive) it's all been baby steps getting there.
I decided yesterday to re-define my goals. I havent' really focused much on the goals, 180s, GAL lately. So here they are:
To become or become more: 1. Independent 2. Strong 3. Assertive
Before I met H I would go on vacations by myself, out wherever I wanted. M shouldn't change the person you are but I think I got in a rut of being with him all the time.
Been getting slammed at work again so I haven't been on the boards much the past few days. My home computer goes back to the dinosaur age, so it's alway more tempting to post at work! Also, you may also relate: I'm beat after work & sometimes it's hard to get on & post end of day.
Don't worry - I'll totally keep in touch w you! I hope you're doing great today! Thanks for stopping by. Talk soon! ((())))
Well, I'm impressed that back in the first days you were able to say "I'll survive." I couldn't say that.
Those sound like good goals, and you are on track to re-find the LFA who was always there. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we give up some of our independence in a M--it is fun and wonderful to do things together--so we may do less of things on our own.
I snowboarded by myself for some years before X started. Now I can't really get into it by myself--didn't have too many chances this dry winter, but still--it just isn't as much fun by yourself.
Assertive is so important. What does LFA want? and ask for it clearly and simply. Oh, here I am again handing out advice I can't follow myself.
Right on with realizing your H doesn't give a s**t about how you feel about the sitch, so keep it out of all C. I hit my head and heart against that rock. Still doing it as I ponder how to respond to his "move out!" command.
Please post as you can. I will go post on Next Steps a thing that just happened that should have sent me reeling...but I am OK....sort of.
Checking in again, thanks for popping by my thread.
I wish I could send you a brand new macbook with high speed DSL so you could write write write to me and all the others on this board that you help and inspire.
(((Aver))), By now you've hopefully seen my post on your thread from yesterday?? And why I haven't been on the board? On my to do list: look at laptops! I've had it w that relic desktop! OK, get ready for the dumbest ? ever: What is the alt??
I realized that when I posted that Valentine's Day thing I must have typed it in the subject line. So I've changed the subject to looking at a D.
Should probably change name of my thread too!! How bout "worn out and looking for advice"? Or "aged 10 years in a year and looking for advice"? It'd be more accurate!!
So, the funeral & work being at a fever pitch have thrown me from posting much. But I think I'll just take a few minutes ea. day to check in, otherwise I lose track of you & HHH, and I want to know what's going on.
For me, I have to get back to my L on her revision of the S agreement. She basically redid it. Now I'm having my chicken moment, b/c it states he pays 1/2 L fees. Talk me down Aver! Why do I care if it upsets him?? BTW, he has not emailed me, totally NC since I sent him that last email about I don't know when I'm moving (in reply to his email about needing to move out by April 1st).
Soooo, he was over yesterday to pick up his mail, apparently. Didn't bother to let me know. Had about 3 weeks or more worth. He leaves me all his junk mail though. So he got the tax stuff I left him.
I'm back to feeling overwhelmed, mostly work stuff. I need to get back to L & tell her yea or nay on the S draft. The worry wart in me is wondering, did I forget anything? And, since my last meeting w L was less than joyous, a little trepidation about the next one.
I went to my C last week, and felt a little better after that. She thinks that once I finish this legal stuff & finalize it, I'll be able to heal more, closure & all that. Probably true. And once I know where I'll be living!
I have to close it up here & get home to the puppies (they're 9 & 10 yrs. old!) First I'll pop by your thread. Hope you are staying off the rollercoaster, or at least on the little hills! Talk soon. (((())))
First, yes, laptop. A go-go 21st century gal such as yourself needs a laptop.
2nd, glad we are not Valentine's Day anymore. Looking at a D is fine. Aged 10 years in a year may be true, but not very cheering. How about SWF with 2 Dogs seeks New House?
I just don't know about the S agreement asking him for 1/2 L fees. Yes: you need not to care if he gets upset. He's not going to suddenly fall back in love with you and ask you to take him back if that clause is NOT in there, right? But I don't know what is usual/common to ask for in a D agreement.
Believe me, I totally understand that you would have that fear of "oh, this will make it worse!" I am in the same boat with the house and even this stupid theatre thing. But--I try and talk myself down with: he's left. He doesn't love me. I suppose it is worse if he hates or resents me: but I still have to fight for what is right. And if it is normal to ask for 1/2 L fees in a separation agreement, ask for it. It is all negotiation at this point, right? You ask, he asks, the L's find an answer.
Weird on NC about the April 1st move out date. Frustrating because it still leaves you in limbo!! Do you HAVE to move out by the first? or did he just WANT you to? Will he move into the apt? Is it worthwhile breaking NC to see how the sitch stands, or to give him a BRIEF update: I'm still looking for a place. Am doing my best to be out by X date. Please let me know your plans.
And the mail: can't you forward it to him? why hasn't he done a change of address? As I don't WANT to know X's new address (though I do, I am just blocking it) I just mark any mail that comes to him with: Please forward. And at least now EVERY day I steel myself for getting mail addressed to SweetThing at the house. Hasn't happened since I got her debit card number, but you never know!
The roller coaster goes up and down; I get motion sickness but I breathe.
Oh-the alt--is Facebook. All the oldtimers on the Boards were very coy about it, but I finally got it figured out. Set up an alternate persona as Avermont. Would love to chat with you there if you do FB. (with all your free time and slow computer, I know)
Thanks Aver. My L said she thought asking for 1/2 the L fees was fair. I just don't know b/c I am assuming he is not paying for an L - she is OW's sister! And I havent' seen any major withdrawals or cr. card charges to indicate a retainer. I got the idea on here, reading other people's threads.
I definitely have no delusions about him changing based on me asking for that or not - my question is, it FEELS sort of bad. Like am I being spiteful? I want to be honorable, not petty, just like that nice line you wrote before your email to X.
Anyhoo, I'm not real worried about H but as it gets closer to April my anxiety may grow. I dont' HAVE to move - the house is in both our names - but I think I just want to be out of there anyway. I just hate that he's on some kind of time deadline.
He probably hasn't done a change of address since he knows he's getting the house. Part of my slowness since meeting L to go over the S agrmt. is processing the shock of how little $$ I'd get in a buyout. It really threw me. It'd be around $4,000. I reconsidered my position, but really I don't want the house. I'm kind feeling the opposite of you on that. It's location, it's size & maintenance issues, gigantic yard, etc. etc.
Anyway, I need to email H to tell him I have to withdraw big amt. $500 out of checking b/c my paycheck split hasn't gone through yet, and I need to pay my cr. card bill for my dental work. Just didn't want to do it today. Today is 4 years since my Mom died, always a sad anniversary. So I'm giving myself permission to not deal w S stuff today.
OK, FB - that's what I thought. I'll try to check it out. I hope you are keeping steady on the big rollercoaster. I'll check in on you. (((())))
Dear LFA, Thinking of your and sending you lots of hugs! I just read the bit above about 4 year anniv of your mom's death..and so relate to how this pain of D brings up loss on many other fronts. My dad died over 8 yrs ago and I find myself missing him so much more as I go through this...it's loss all over again. Take care of yourself, nurture yourself, escape from the pain of D if you can right now. Know your mom is looking down on you and sending peace your way.
I also relate to the increasing sense of anxiety...I've been feeling it more lately too. Just be in the present moment. I remind myself often what I read on a post few months ago when I was having a tough time in Dec: 'the past is the past, the future is uncertain; there is only the present, stay in the present'
I do think The Work helps. The whole April anxiety for LFA--which I share---oh, trying so hard to say, to think, to know: I DON"T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Yes, I want to plan for the worst so I can be ready. But after we make that plan, can we put it away, and try to just worry about today? Save tomorrow for tomorrow....
I wouldn't worry about the fairness of asking for 1/2 the L fee. Why should he get a break because OW sister is L?! Argh, the injustice! If your L says it is a normal negotiating point, ask for it.
I'm sure you can't take the thread space to explain how you get out of the house with only $4K, but see what you can work to your advantage there. If H is going to have a SECURE place to live, and you are only going to have $4K to start again--is there alimony? value of the house to you over time? Something to make the final situation more equitable. It is not equitable, as I see it, (with very little information) that H gets a place to live WITH an income-producing apartment, and you just have enough to get started on a rental. I guess it just means talk more to your L.
I know what you mean about "is this petty? is this mean?" exactly as I posted. So hard to know that taking care of business, money, future needs is NOT being a terrible b**ch, money-grubbing, etc. So hard not to FEEL that way.
I'm sorry about your Mom. Mine died 15 years ago. In many ways, I'm glad she isn't here to see me go through this. Given her temper, I don't think X would be safe if she were still around! It would be great to have her to support and help me, but it would hurt her so much to see me so hurt. Well, it is as it is.
Roller-coasters, shmoller-coasters. Let's get on the bumper car ride, instead! So much more fun!
