I am sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. It is a VERY TOUGH ROAD and I am in wayyyy over my head right now too. I will try to post on my own sitch when I have at least begun to process what is happening around me.
Question- if her family is to visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, what will the sleeping arrangements be. Won't you need the guest room for your guests? What will her solution to that be?
Hang in there. You are a wonderful person.
BIM
Hi stranger. Thanks for chiming in.
I had thought about the sleeping arrangements. My guess is she will move down to the downstairs couch (pull out) while her parents are here and let them have "her" room.
One of the interesting things she has started doing is referring to the rooms as the master and guest rather than hers and mine - this is one of the things I told her a week ago I did not like - her referring to the rooms as her's and mine.
GIMA,your W seems to be very concerned about appearances. I believe I remember you said that her family knows about what is going on, but she would continue the sleeping separately while they are there?
It can't be easy on you, but I believe we all have to grieve for losing our M, at least as they once were, just like we mourn for any other loss in our lives. You can't move on without addressing that part of the process.
BTW, I posted on my thread. Please take a look when you get a minute. Anyone else who cares to check it out as well. I need all the ideas and encouragement I can get at this point.
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
GIMA,your W seems to be very concerned about appearances. I believe I remember you said that her family knows about what is going on, but she would continue the sleeping separately while they are there?
It can't be easy on you, but I believe we all have to grieve for losing our M, at least as they once were, just like we mourn for any other loss in our lives. You can't move on without addressing that part of the process.
BTW, I posted on my thread. Please take a look when you get a minute. Anyone else who cares to check it out as well. I need all the ideas and encouragement I can get at this point.
BIM
BIM,
Yes, she is very much into appearances (hence the "It's disrespectful for GIMA not to wear his wedding ring"). Yes, her family knows. And, yes, she would continue the sleeping arrangements despite them being there. And, yes, this isn't a walk in the park, but I'm handling it as best I can.
Thanks for your input, and I'll drop by your thread in a sec.
I know exactly how you are feeling. As you know, I am in exactly the same position. My W has emotionally divorced me and refuses to work on the M, but at the same time refuses to leave the stabilty, safety, comfort, etc of the M. This is the very definition of limboland.
So I empathize.
Also laughing about your "Christmas Present" confusion. I have been talking about D all week with my W, and then on Saturday while we were hanging out with another couple, she tells me what she wants for Christmas. WTF?
So I am right there with you.
The hardest thing is to keep yourself dealing with reality. One minute you are firmly dealing with reality - "I am already divorced, it just hasn't happened yet. I can and will handle it. Life will be rocky, but I have to get through it etc" and then when she does something like this it enables you to backslide back into the fantasy of a reconciliation.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/02/0906:44 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The hardest thing is to keep yourself dealing with reality. One minute you are firmly dealing with reality - "I am already divorced, it just hasn't happened yet. I can and will handle it. Life will be rocky, but I have to get through it etc" and then when she does something like this it enables you to backslide back into the fantasy of a reconciliation.
Hit the nail on the proverbial head. You are ABSOLUTELY right about this.
In my case, the statement about the Christmas present = (at least in my subconscious) she's thinking about Christmas?!?!
Thanks man. And I DO believe we are in the same place.
I remember reading somewhere a strong LRT. Sitting down and saying "I prefer that the marriage work. But you’re right, it’s not possible and this current situation is into working for either of us. So I’ll help you find a place to live and help you move out.”
With that, you are saying that you prefer the marriage to work, while also sending the message that you will take the responsibility for what happens if you did try to make the marriage work because that’s your decision. But her decision is to leave, so she will be responsible for the consequences of that decision.
I think it is time to seriously consider this LRT.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Also laughing about your "Christmas Present" confusion. I have been talking about D all week with my W, and then on Saturday while we were hanging out with another couple, she tells me what she wants for Christmas. WTF?
Thinker, GIMA, fellas ~~~
What would be wrong with this:
W starts talking about Christmas presents and plans. You to W: Please do not make plans as if this Christmas will be our garden variety celebration. I want to stay married to you but your unwillingness to work on our M (won't go to MC, moved out of our bedroom, etc) indicates that we will divorce. Therefore, I don't need to know what your Christmas wish list is and I won't be sharing mine with you. I plan to shop for the kids on my own and I expect you will do the same. Maybe we can coordinate lists for them so we don't double up. But beyond that, no plans together. It's our current reality. Do you prefer to have the children Christmas day or Christmas Eve. I'm willing to negotiate on that."
Your wives are cake eating. I cannot imagine I would EVER, while Coach and I were in our bombed out world, expect him to do one thing for me - let alone hear what my Christmas list had on it. And I would have expected him to set me straight on that if I had.
Just thinking out loud. What do you think? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
To me .... this kind of Christmas present remark is either (a) temperature-taking/testing the stability of the status quo or (b) total oblivousness to the realities of the situation.
Either way, it's time for a major reality check. All y'all are now WARs (Walk Away Roommates) to their WASness, on account of how they already have definitively walked away as spouses. The decisions are now yours, as is the power. Use it kindly, but do use it. IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
