Just Keep Livin' #3

[JKL2009]

I've been lurking here still from time-to-time, but most of my energy and time has been in the real world. Not much has changed in my sitch, just keeping on moving forward and all. In the past weeks things have been basically the same. No problem or issues. Sharing custody has gone smoothly. We talk a fair amount, almost exclusively about parenting. There have been glimmers of R talk but nothing big. Still in a legal limbo as there is no actual legal agreement between us on the separation.

This weekend was a nice time. Had a birthday party to attend for one of S's daycare classmates. We all went, had a good time, then after went to a mall to run errands together and such. I was driving and was going to drop S and WAW off at her place, and while driving we got into some R talk. Not all that much, but it had been a long time.

She brought up that it was probably time to get an agreement in place, for both our sakes. I agreed. We don't have any disagreements on issues right now, so I think that will be very easy. We talked a bit about upcoming plans for travel, vacation, etc. She asked me about what I had planned, and I said I really hadn't thought much about vacations. I offered the idea of doing something as a family, but she indicated she was not interested in that. I said no problem then.

When we got to her place, I asked is she wanted to chat some more, and she said sure and invited me in. We hung out, cracked open a bottle of wine, and talked more. In a nutshell, she is still very much hurting and having a "hard time" nearly a year since she decided to go this route. She says she sees how much I have changed and how I am GAL and am very much like the man she loved so much so long ago, but she is still very scared that I could change it all for the worse. I just nodded and said I understood.

The chatting went on, she asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. So ate dinner, watched some USA/Canada hockey, drank some more wine and chatted. After S went to bed, we stayed up talking (none-R stuff) and listening to music. Drank enough that I probably didn't need to be driving, so she let me stay the night.

So it was a pretty positive interaction over all. I did make me feel good to see she 1) is not "over" it all and still feeling a lot of emotion, 2) clearly thinks about what life would be like back together, even if she still "says" she can't do it, and 3) enjoys spending a bit of social time together, even if she says "it is good for S." These are positive things.

I think from here I keep doing what I am doing. Pretty sure I am not doing anything to make things worse, only helping things overall. Will continue to keep head up, act like a man a woman would be a fool to leave, and continue focusing on being a great father and being good to myself.

So for anyone that reads my post, my reminder to you today is that a) DB is a long haul thing, b) detach is key, c) even when things look dark, there is light, and d) do what you need to do for yourself. Good luck all.

[JKL2009]

I feel sorry for my WAW. It has been almost a year since she dropped the bomb, even longer since she felt that way (according to her), and yet very little has changed for her in that time.

This weekend was S's birthday, and we had a great party. Even the WAW and I had a lot of fun together, playing around with kids at the playland thing we had the party. That evening, things go a bit worse.

We had a little quiet time and got to talking, and I brought up that we needed to get an agreement signed since we have yet to do that, and that I wanted to spend more time with S (right now I have him 1 night a wk and every other weekend). This did not go over well. Sadly, it was not about what is best for S, what WAW said was "he is all I have and you want to take him away from me more" and "you never cared before so why do you want to be such a good father now." She constantly tells me she sees change in me and what a better father I am now, yet she has had no change herself and admits she is still miserable. And now, even though she says I didn't let her have a life before, she wants to make being with her S her entire life.

I wanted to discuss more, but she was getting to upset. Today I get an email saying "just send me the changes you want and we can go from there; I am too busy to talk this week and I think it would just be too upsetting for me to meet you to talk."

I care about this woman, but she just is still so in the fog that I am really concerned. How is she ever going to get better? Why won't she get any help? It is just sad and a shame.

[givingitmyall]

I hear you and understand. Unfortunately, you can't make her do anything. That includes making her see logic. She's stuck in a world of helplessness. Until SHE decides to make a change in HER situation, I doubt much will change for the better.

Your choice on what to do (and there is nor wrong answer). But, if she isn't going to change, (a) do you really want her, this HER she's become and (b) how long will you hold out hope she will change? You can walk two paths - one moving on with your life and the other remaining open (but not hopeful) to reconciliation.

This is a tough step, b/c you want your M to work out SO badly. If she just saw this or understood that, we could work this out...Until she wants to do the work, it will not work out.

Might be time for some brutal reality - her loosing you. At this point, what has she truly lost?

[JKL2009]

It has been FOREVER since I posted on here, mostly because things have been fine and my head has been on straight. Back in May I started seeing someone new, and things were nice. A bit of a bummer in that last week she said she wasn't quite feeling the spark anymore and just wanted to dial things back and be friends. Yeah, that stung a bit but glad we gave it a try and enjoyed the time we did spend together.

Might be a little down and having to beat away those thoughts of "never gonna find someone" but I feel much more equipped to do so than a year ago. It is tough to have these feelings of being alone after being in a relationship again (even if it was not too serious) since just knowing there is someone out there thinking of you too is a positive thing. So once again, just got to focus on the usual tricks: PMA, GAL, etc.

Interestingly, WAW has been more positive to me. Made comments like "glad we chatted" and "glad you came to x the other day with us" when we have had some interaction. I don't think it means anything other than her moving on with her raw emotion towards me and simply becoming more civil. At any rate, it is positive for our family.

[SavingMyMarriage]

Hey JKL,

Just wondering if you and your W have a separation agreement or if she filed for D? Anyway, I was just thinking about you... I only checked the posts a few times this year...

Glad that your W has been more "positive" to you...

Take care.

[JKL2009]

We have a separation agreement in place, no filing for D yet. Local laws will allow for that in October, so we'll see!