3 years of S, OW gone - What do I want?

[still hoping]

My last thread (Almost 3 years of S - Update) has completely vanished.

Not sure where I last left off - ow and H are over, H moved out of their place, was becoming more involved with kids and more open with me, now living with best friend - H is using him as band aid, someone to spend all his time with, to keep him company. Better than him being with ow, but still avoiding having to face himself.

H's interest and involvement with kids is sporadic. He's nicer and more open with me when I see him, which isn't often. There's no real connection, except for the imaginary one I sometimes fabricate in my mind. He shows no remorse, he shows no interest in me. No growth emotionally and no maturity.

For the most part of the last 3 years, I've known what I wanted - I wanted my H, my M, and my family back, no matter what it took, no matter what I had to do or how much I would have to suffer. Now that ow is gone, and there are no significant changes in H, I'm not so sure anymore. He hasn't changed and I don't want a selfish and emotionally immature H.

My fear is that he will use me to avoid his loneliness. My pride won't allow me to let H choose me by default. Suddenly, I find myself only wanting my H back conditionally.

I feel drained emotionally, although I know I shouldn't. I feel like I've been putting so much effort - but pretending that I'm not - into saving my M, and now that I could possibly be near the end, I want to give up. I have to think before I act when I see my H, which tells me that I'm not yet the person I'm striving to be. And now that H is no longer with ow and still doesn't want me back - maybe our M wasn't nearly as good as I thought it was, and maybe I was not an easy person to be married to.

I'm completely functional during the day. I have a life that I like. But at night, and when I'm alone, the loneliness sets in. That, plus the self-doubt, the sense of failure and rejection (AGAIN) - it's all getting to me. Maybe my time has come to stop standing and to finally just give up.

Or am I just afraid of the work ahead?

Lots to figure out - and at the same time, nothing I can do but live one day at a time, take it step by step, and deal with the hurdles as they come along.

Ok - accomplished nothing with this post, but I do feel better for airing out all my thoughts and feelings...

[Upside]

Hi sh-
Do you know why the orge and your H broke up? I wonder if it could be that she was pressuring him about divorcing you so he could marry her. Not sure if it matters. I guess it is pointless to say that your H hasn't been willing to do the work it takes to be in a real relationship. Hopefully being alone will make your H take a long look at himself and why he is where he is. That being said, you know that there are no guarantees that he will be willing to do the work.

I understand the fear of being used. I feel my H has in a way been using me to keep from always being alone...plus he wants to keep me around just in case he decides he wants to come back. It sucks. I know you want your H back on your terms however IMO ephiphanies just don't happen very often to someone in MLC. I think it is more of a slow building process. So you have to decide if you still have more patience left in you and what you can handle in terms of a relationship with your H. If you can handle continuing on like you have been and want to give things more time, then you should. If you are emotionally draining yourself (which I can totally understand) then you need to let go more...maybe completely.

Are you afraid of the work ahead? I doubt that...look at how hard you have worked to keep standing. I think it makes more sense that you are afraid of rejection. If you detach more and try to forget that your H is no longer with the orge, it might help.

(((HUGS)))

[still hoping]

Hi Upside,

I had been dying to find out the reason behind the breakup and finally found out that it was because she wants a baby and H doesn't want any more. I assume this means that she was also pushing for marriage - but you never know with her type. I assume she wants just that - a baby - and has no idea of the responsibilities that go with it. I'm also guessing she wanted it to secure her relationship with H, or at least test him to see how committed he was to her, and maybe have one because it's something I have 2 of with H. I can't imagine her wanting to give up her partying lifestyle to stay home and raise a child. I really don't know. I'm just happy that the pressure and the fighting that it caused resulted in their breakup.

I'm feeling more and more used - like H is only staying M to me to avoid having to commit to anyone else. This was fine with me in the past, but now, I'm not as willing to accept it. S has said things that show me he's already lost his faith in H - like he can't depend on him to be there for him and he doesn't expect him to be there either. It's heartbreaking. I feel like the damage is done and I can no longer prevent it.

What you said about letting go is exactly what I was thinking. I've let him go as far as everyone can see. But I haven't let him go in my heart. That's the next big step.

Things will be changing in the next month or so as his friend will be less available. I'm curious to see how things go then and have a trip coming up to help pass the time and keep my mind off of it. Hopefully the time away will help me feel less conflicted. Plus, my insomnia is back and I feel like I really just need to get away.

I have the utmost respect for you for your patience and strength - I'm not even there yet and unsure if I could handle it. Funny how just a few weeks ago, I said I imagine it'll be another 18 months to 2 years before H returns (IF he returned) AND another broken R within that time for him to realize his mistakes. Now, I feel like I don't want to waste any more time in a dead end relationship.

But to be completely honest, I still hope H will come back. I just need to find my strength and patience again, and hope that the rest falls in to place.

Rambling again... Thanks for all your support and advice...

[Treese]

Hi Upside,
What you said about letting go is exactly what I was thinking. I've let him go as far as everyone can see. But I haven't let him go in my heart. That's the next big step.

SH....ive never posted to you before but have been reading alot of posts lately...the above quote is right on...I am there...my H has emailed me that he is ready to move to the next steps toward divorce....he has been with OW for over 2 years now...so coming home is not likely...but I think for the most part I've let go but like you said....my H is soooo DEEP in my heart that I don't think I can ever totally let go..I'm pathetic I know...today H texted me about giving his father a gift for his bday...I saw who the text was from and my heart was pounding soooo hard...I thought it was going to come out of my chest...the anxiety now is unreal...I am making an appt. tmrw with the doctor and with an attorney...I never thought it would get here but now it's in my face...and I'm sad, and lonely....

[still hoping]

Hi Treese,

Thanks for posting to me. It boggles my mind how some people are able to move on so easily after separation or divorce. I just can't seem to get over it and not sure I ever will either.

I'm sorry that your H wants to move forward with the D. My H has not mentioned doing anything of the sort after 3 years, so I can't say I know how it feels. I do sometimes wish that he would be man enough to file, if he knows that he will never return. In some ways, it would be better than keeping me hoping against all hope that he might come back. I've realized through all of this that once the MLC and destruction has started, it really doesn't matter what they do - it sucks no matter what. We just have to go along with their craziness and minimize the damage to our children.

Believe me, I understand feeling pathetic. The man wants nothing to do with me, yet I still fantasize about a future with him. But even now, as I really consider moving forward without him, I wonder if I will ever look back and regret the time I spent trying to save the M and grieving over what was lost. Honestly, I don't think there's any other way that would have been better for me. It's a process we have to go through and hopefully be strong enough to make it through.

Take care of yourself...

[forward]

SH,
It's not pathetic. It is doing your very best. I do not regret putting forward the effort. Someday I will tell my little one that I did my best and that it was H who was unable to be a grownup and accept reality.

Time to be less available to him, if you haven't pulled far away already.

As far as changes...I don't see changes w/H, either. However, it is possible that there is more there than meets the eye. I sense that H is ashamed but not regretful.

Doesn't hurt to have a couple of potential interests. =)

[still hoping]

Hi b,

Like the new name. The real me knows it's not pathetic. My struggle right now is that I find myself wanting to give up although I've fought so hard to make it this far. I know all the reasons why getting back together would be the best for all involved. But seeing H as he is, I wonder if he'll ever really love me the way I deserve to be loved and want to be loved. I don't think there will be anyone who can love H as I love him - who would love him unconditionally after all he's done - but I'm not sure if H would ever appreciate or acknowledge that. Maybe I need to get over wanting credit for standing by him, standing for our M.

I've pulled far away and it's easy to do when I don't have to see him. When I do see him, he's nicer, so I try to reciprocate.

I think you're right that there's more than meets the eye. But how I think it would make such a difference to me to hear H sincerely express some regret and remorse! Seriously - is that too much to ask for??

Having other interests does wonders for the self-esteem. Have a had one here and there over the past few years, but sadly, there are none at the moment... Might be a good thing, because at this point, I may very well take anything remotely interesting that comes my way.

[forward]

SH, Well, I told Sleeper the same thing, but there is a difference between letting go and giving up.

Let go.

DB C told me to be approachable, so if an apology/regret is to become part of it, you have a better chance of hearing it.

Work on being approachable. But you can let go at the same time.

If you're anything like me, your interests are just sort of landing with you and you're not actively seeking anyone out. That's OK. That said, I, too, am tired of being alone.

[peacetoday]

SH
I think I understand what you are saying and you dont have to give up totally
all this work was for a purpose
we changed- we grew- we became stronger- wiser- more loving
the door can always be open a little
even if we are actively moving on
so
listen to the struggle and the answers will come
you are intuitve and wise
you will know what to do

I have this friend..we all hung out together with H
her H mother dies(he was 40) then
he started using drugs/drinkling
he lost job and lost everything
she D him and had NC for 2 years
he wanted contact she said NO b/c he was drinking
she got a job and raised 2 boys with no financial help from Him
he got sober..hes now coming around connecting with the kids
and showing desire to be with her
she did no DB no reading nothing
hes coming back
basically she did nothing except detach and move her life forward
I knew him and I believe he went into MLC started drinking to help pain
so my point is
he came back or is trying to now
she did nothing except D him and let go
he is now the one doing all the work to restore R with kids and her
I am happy for her--I dont see my Xh ever doing this kind of work
but I never thought hers would either
peace

[still hoping]

forward: (feels weird calling you by a new name...) I will continue to try to be approachable. Have to find the right balance of being approachable and letting go. Saw H today and told him it looked like he had lost weight. Good move? Bad move? Didn't think about it, just said it. He's been working out since he left ogre. Conversations with him are less guarded (both sides), but brief. He's starting to tell me random things, like he used to. Guess since he has no one else to tell these things to. He also said some things that seemed more realistic and also did some thoughtful things for the kids. Not analyzing, just noticing small changes.

peace: I always get annoyed with myself when I feel this way because I know there is actually nothing I need to do with regards to H. No decision needs to be made right now. I can just wait and see where things go. Impatience gets the better of me and I question myself.

Interesting about your friend. And so encouraging to hear. My H still drinks and goes out a lot. I can't imagine him changing his lifestyle. But now that he's working out, maybe he'll start to feel the negative effects of the alcohol on his body. One can only hope.

I never did tell you about my dream that you were in. By any chance, is your S's room white and light blue with red fire engines (sheets or wall)? If so, I'm signing myself up to be on that show America's Psychic Challenge. Ha ha.

Wondering if now that H has left ogre, does he think about what a waste of time the last 3 years of his life were? Was it all worth it to him? He's wasted so much time and money, not to mention the huge amount of debt he has yet to pay off, the pain, embarrassment and damage he's caused his family, and the time he missed watching his kids grow up. Even if it doesn't come straight from the horse's mouth, it would be nice to hear it from one of his friends. I wonder if I would be able to take H back without any display/words of remorse or regret...