Bonny, in my sitch I found H took a long time until he initiated calls and activities with the kids. It was as if he just couldn't cope with their company. His invitations were always issued at the last moment. That has changed significantly in the last months and he is always on the phone to them and texting them. It took him ages before he finally realised that only he could fix the relationship with his kids. It's tough as an onlooker cos I just wanted to 'fix it'.
I’m having real problems detaching. I have to work on this and also trying not to fix stuff. I should learn to let it be.
Right this weekend I have two important things to do 1. Help my D move and 2. Drop the other D off at a wedding and pick her up afterwards. I’d sorted out the logistics of doing both and was looking forward to the day.
The other day one D asked her father to take her to the wedding and he agreed even though he knew that I’d planned to take her (I think she was trying to be helpful). I was upset by this, I’ve know the couple getting married for several years and would have liked to have seen them at the church etc. Anyway mentioned this to D who then told her father that he needn’t give her a lift. That’s when it all kicked off. Got an irate phone call , I was being selfish and ‘why couldn’t I just let him take her and I was keeping the kids away from him etc etc’. Suggested that he came and helped with the move (as I’ve hurt my back) as that’s where he would be most helpful. But no apparently he’d got plans (with OW I suppose).
The upshot is that I help move and probably do my back in and he takes the other to the wedding.
I was told that he didn’t want to do anything with me at all. I lost the affirming plot here and tried to argue the point (mistake). My view is that we share kids and in order to make this easier for everyone we should be cordial at least to each other. My H doesn’t see this and thinks we should be completely separate apart from getting together at kid’s birthdays only. Which are awkward as we’ve not seen each other for weeks, following his ‘rules’.
I’m trying hard to establish a friendly atmosphere between us, it’s not working and I’m not sure where to go from here.
I keep stuffing up. Or looking at it another way my H puts up unclimbable barriers if we start looking like we're making progress. Or I'm imagining the progress and it's not there at all. Over analysing moi? Never
Would it make him take notice if you were getting along fine without him? Either you doing the jobs yourself (independent) or having someone else in your life that could "take his place" and take care of those things instead of him?
i agree with Irish - demonstrating that you can get along fine without him might make him get interested in you again. BUT it could take some time.
In my sitch, i was the one with the MLC, and i agree that when a person is in MLC, it's all about them and they are not interested in how it's making anyone else feel. The big turnaround for me was when H started a R with a neighbor 10 days after I announced my departure. I wouldn't recommend this approach to anyone - it's taken 1+year to get to a point where we are reconciling and enjoying each other's company again.
I am only trying to illustrate how true the remark of Irish is: show that you are fine without him, ideally cheerful and 'ready to move on' and that will eventually spark H's curiosity. In other words, 'GAL' like Michele says in her Divorce Remedy book. And i used Michele's telephone coaching also, it was a lifesaver for me.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I've been away for a week and have just caught up on the last week with you.
This will be a long post....grab a cool beverage!!!
First back to the book return.....A simple thank you with a nice friendly tone and perhaps a small other word of kindness was perfect. (This is where you learn you need to avoid ALL chances to rip his head off and also you do not want to come off as constantly berating him for not meeting your expectations. This WILL serve to only drive him further away.) You do not need a reply from him, trust me....he got the simple thank you and appreciated it.
Trying to win his friendship back will take a very long time. It will only be achieved by repeating constant kindness and smiles towards him. Every time you are confrontational or cross his path with negatives (his idea of negatives, by the way) you will set your hard work back. This man appears to be just like mine, I kept my mouth shut, OH, did I ever!!!! I still do..... You learn after a short while in this sitch how to approach him and when it is safe.
Next the daughter to the wedding.....IMO, I would have let him just take daughter. By talking to D, you put her in the middle and she felt so guilty she went to her Dad. You need to let things go... This is like I just described....one of those, H ideas of a negative.....Bonny crossed his path with a negative....HIS idea of a negative. I know I have stressed this, it's an important issue. This creates a set back in any hard work you have done to achieve friendship. To achieve friendship here.....you could have sent H an email that simply said "H, I can't thank you enough for taking D to the wedding, while I would love to see the bride and groom, it gives me more time to help "other" D move. Again, thank you very much and have a wonderful ride with D." You see how you work the angle to your favor.
#1: You would make points with H for thinking it is a marvelous idea, (HIS idea)(I know it was D's), let H think it's his and let it go. Big bonus for Bonny because you made H feel very good. (I know this is not Bonny getting what she wants, this is the zip the lips thing.) Eventually with enough of these situations, H will come to you with his ideas and thoughts about the kids first and then other things.
#2: You would make more points to H as being friendly and not the enemy. H will feel validated by your thanks. A big boost to the ego for him. A big star for Bonny.
#3: You will make points with H by allowing him to help the kids and spend time with them. This makes Bonny look very good. H is happy and that's a great thing. Trust me here, at the beginning and for a long time, they assume you are keeping the kids from them on purpose and will throw it in your face at every chance. This is what you learn to avoid. Instead of allowing them the thoughts they WANT to think of you, show them the opposite. (I am sure you are not keeping the kids from H. They are grown and can now do what they want, H will still assume different.)
In the MLC mind he WANTS to think bad thoughts of you and so he will. It's your goal to prove him wrong and you can prove him wrong by changing your behavior and doing the unexpected towards him. Be the bigger person and be nice, nice, nice. Do this until it changes you and you create a Bonny H enjoys. Then keep it up...no sliding back.
Now the house repairs and chores....DO NOT ask H for help in any way, shape or form for anything. First try and figure out how to do it yourself and do it....You will look independant, self-sufficient, intelligent, talented, capable, happy, etc... This is a good thing. For the things you cannot possibly do for lack of knowledge, strength, etc....find someone other than H to assist you. Do not even consult H with the problem.
I recently had a convo with my H on this very subject. I told him I made it a point to take care of things by myself or find someone else to help me. H said he appreciated it. By doing for myself I wasn't being one of H's problems and it was one of the things that held H attraction towards me. I looked strong and not needy or whiny. It is a quality men find desireable in a woman. If, and when, H comes to you and offers to do for you, accept the help with grace and thanks. This will take time. I spent 2+ years rebuilding my friendship and then it was only after the D was filed last October did H start to come around and offer to do for me.
Here's a example of my last week....a bad one by the way for taking care of needs.
First off several months ago my household waste/septic system failed. H knows of the problem because he was here one day and the water from a load of laundry was coming out on the ground and not leaching off. With fall coming, I hired an excavating contractor.....problem fixed this week by me. No word to H about the problem before or now. Next time he is over he will see for himself it's fixed as the lawn looks different now. No need to talk about it....I took care of it.
I had a flat tire this week and at the same time my water pump went in my truck. I did not call H, I called one friend to fix the flat and I made my own arrangements to a garage to repair the pump. H does not know. I will probably tell him though at some point what happened when I feel it will make me look good.
It is a natural behavior for the MLC H to retreat back into the tunnel when things show improvement. The cause is a number of things, FEAR being number one. OW, Guilt, Shame, Ego, Selfishness, plus a variety of other emotions all play into why. Try not to put any energy into this as hard as it will be. Really, you can't fix anything right now, only time and patience and good behaviors towards H will fix this. Do not take anything he does personally, it's not your fault. This is H problem and his alone. Leave him to live it.
So....I told you this would be long.....You are probably tired of this post by now, I will close and chat with you later on.
Have a wonderful weekend,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Playing catch up as I was away from the computer for the past week. My new job, which I now love, and a few problems kept me very busy. I am also getting son ready for another summer camp, he leaves tomorrow. School starts up again within a week of his return, I love being busy. It has not been enough to keep my mind from running amuck with my sitch though!!!!
I think, ladies, if we put our heads together we can figure this all out. It's way too overwhelming for one to solve for sure.
Keep moving forward...
Take care,
Sanderika
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
