Hello all. I am a transplant from Surving. Yep, I was on the verge of D....2 days away in fact, when H changed his mind. It has been a LOOONNNGGGG journey and I dont know how to feel about things right now.
Brief (and I do mean brief) recap:
Sept 07 - Grandmother who lived with us had to move into nursing home because I could not take care of her....was feeling sick
Dec 07 - H moved out for 2 weeks to find himself but then wanted back because he missed family so much
March 08-Moved out to find himself...whatever that means
May 08- Found out about OW and that I had cancer....that was why I had been feeling sick.
June thru Aug 08- DB my butt off....he refuse to work on anything. He was in "love" Blecky! Ended up filing for D because he would not stop seeing her. I had moved away for the summer so that family could help me heal.
Sept thru Oct 08 - Moved back to the home and he moved in with OW. Anger and Rage grew inside of me. He kept pushing for D while I was in Chemo
Nov 08 - June 09 Complete NC except occational emails concerning son. Did allow him to see me in Jan to discuss some things about the D and in March for son's IC appointment, but other then that was very dark. I learned to love myself and let go of the rage that I was carrying. After I felt whole and full and even began to date. I truly had moved on and let go.
June 5 09- got the final D papers to sign and forwarded them to H. I get a cryptic reply about all of his emotions. When I ask what he means he ask if he can talk to me.
June 6 09- SPent 3 hours listening to him desribe his tale of misery and shame and remorse. He cant believe he did this to his family. Has know since Jan that he was not going to be with OW so started an apology journal for me in hopes of one day being able to give it to me. Didnt want to tell me that he broke up with OW because he wanted to respect my boundaries. Finally decided to tell me when the papers came. Professes undying love but knows we cant have a R until he fixes himself. He has seen the growth that I have done by being on my own and wants to be as strong as I am in order to be a healthy partner.
June 7 09 - calls to tell me that he has packed his things and moved out of OW place and in with his brother. He will not be dating anyone or looking to anyone to fill him up. He needs to fix the hole in his soul so that he can come back to me complete. Talks about how he messed up by using OW as a band aid....all it did was cover his wound and let it fester. He has such remorse for that.
June 8 09 - sends me 23 emails today....joking, apologetic, remorseful, telling me how wonderful I am and how thankful he is that I listen to him with compassion. I told him that I dont know where this is going to go or even if I was capable of having this journey with him. My heart was so gaurded when it came to him. He answerd all of my questions concerning the A open and honestly. I told him that if there was even an email between him and OW, I would not stick around to see if we could be friends. He replied he had no interest in having any kind of contact with her because he knew it would be disrespectful to me.
So, here I am, wonder what is to come and what I should do. I have already told him that we will not have a R until he fixes himself. And if after he has become whole as a person, then we would have to do some kind of MC....retrovuille?? before I would even try and work on a R with him. He has been gone almost a year and a half at this point. I let him go completely. There were guidelines that helped me to cope with his stages of MLC, now I guess I am wondering what is to come. How do I act? What do I do? Heck, I still dont even know if I can go down this road....but there is a big piece of me that wants to.
Any and all suggestions would be so very helpful.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Talk about mixed blessings. It really does sound like he's messed up. I would recommend that he also go to IC to find out why he's been feeling so crazy.
Write down all benchmarks that he would have to meet to have you trust in him again with the understanding that if he misses one, then he's out the door.
This is going to be much tougher than when you were separated.
Good luck.
{{{stuck}}}
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Stuck.....I guess I am stuck as well....what have been some of your benchmarks? I guess I am looking for a starting point. Heck, maybe I alread have one, but my head is spinning so much that I just cant see it right now.
JoJo, thanks for the advice about the heart. I guess that is what it needs to come down to. Too many times we make decisions out of fear, or pain or anger instead of out of compassion. I need to take some time and just truly listen to what my heart is saying. And no, I will not back down from my boundaries. I told him last night that if he even wanted to start a friendship with me, then there could be absolutely no contact with her...none, not even a txt message or a quick email. If I find out there has been contact, then things would go right back to the way they were before. His reply "I already knew that was the deal. I couldnt imagine disrespecting you even further by having contact with her."
Gypsy, oh my lovely and beautiful Gypsy....how I missed your melody of sage words. I will be checking on you soon. Thank you for your continue support and love.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Has he asked you out on a date yet? Maybe start with that, to start and see if something new can come out of this. Of course the prerequesites list is your first priority, what do you need from him?
I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends here who have supported me throught so many dark times. I am looking forward to making more and to giving back as much as I can.
dburt.....the are no talks of dates, and there will not be for awhile. Neither one of us thinks that would be a go idea. My H is a very lost, co-dependant soul. If we were to try and start things back up right now, without him learning how to live on his own and fill himself up (the lessons I was forced to learn when he left me) then we would just continue our disfunctional dance. We both see that. Knowing that we need our distance, though, makes R for us a totally differnt beast from those whose spouces move right back in. Thank you for your suggestion, I really appreciated it.
I have started a list of things that must happen for us to R. I want opinions on this and would love to hear what others felt was important to them.
1. That a NC letter be sent to her and that I have proof that it was done. He has already agreed to do this in the next few days.
2. I need to know who all of his friends are and I get to have the choice on wether or not I participate in an event with his friends. In the past, he had his work friends and I was not allowed to go to their happy hours. Well, this is where his R started up with OW. I will not except being told that I am not invited ever again. There will be many times he gets to have alone time with friends, I am not about controlling him, I just want to feel like I can go if I chose to.
3. We must attend some kind of MC. Here is the thing....when do we start? He is focused on fixing himself at this juncture and he needs to, yet that keeps me hanging in limbo. Do I say "I will give you 6 months to get your head on straight and then we need to go to therapy or its no deal"?
4. He will make an effort to do things that I want to do. Not only was I not invited into his life, he stopped trying to participate in mine. I not saying that he has to go to the garden show or anything painful like that, I am saying that I would like for him to maybe sit down next to me one night a week to watch a tv show together.
5. There needs to be efforts made to show me that I am important in his life. For most of our relationship I did not receive presents for my birthday/mother's day/christmas....nothing. I felt invisible and I will not allow that to happen again. He needs to be doing things that make me feel special. He has started by opening completely up about the A and expressing remorse over and over again. He downloaded a ton of music he thought I would really enjoy and he is coming over to mow my yard tonight. I have learned so much in my journey and now know that acts of service are one of the ways he says "I love you".
Ok, that is my start. I have a question that I want to put out there to all of you who have been through this. There is something else I want to put on my list, but dont know if I have the right to. During all of this, my H made a close friend (never had any real close male friends before this) and is still very close to this man. Here is the thing, this guy helped my H hide the A and even encouraged it. I have nothing but feelings of distain for the man. I dont want him any where near my life. Do I have the right to say that you need to find other friends and cut this connection if you want me or is that too far? Thoughts?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I think those things are extremely personal. Would you rather him not have this guy as a friend, I know it to be yes. Is it so important that you are going to forbid him? That is up to you. And I believe the question you are trying to figure out, if I lay all of this on him, will it be a deal breaker or so controlling that he goes off somewhere in the near future and hides another affair from you to a woman that is cool with whatever he does.
I am sorry I do not have answers to any of this, some here will surely give you some, but I think it is within you and only you that the answers lie.
Ok, that is my start. I have a question that I want to put out there to all of you who have been through this. There is something else I want to put on my list, but dont know if I have the right to. During all of this, my H made a close friend (never had any real close male friends before this) and is still very close to this man. Here is the thing, this guy helped my H hide the A and even encouraged it. I have nothing but feelings of distain for the man. I dont want him any where near my life. Do I have the right to say that you need to find other friends and cut this connection if you want me or is that too far? Thoughts?
BH, Never posted to you before, but wanted to tell you I have this same issue, and this is how I handled it. Don't know if it's the right way or not, but this is what I did.
My W started her A after we relocated for work. Her enabler GF didn't hide her A because I never had any contact with her, but she did encourage it. "make yourself happy, blah blah blah". That type stuff. The EGF was the only female friend that W made in our new location.
W's A ended a year ago after I exposed to our kids. It's taken a while, but we're making progress.
A month ago we were talking and finally W opened up some about the A. During the conversation, the EGF came up. I told W "I will be polite to EGF, I will be civil to her, but don't think I'll ever invite her and her soon to be H over for a cookout". W got kind of angry and said "she's my friend", I replied, "I know she's your friend, but don't expect me to participate in any 'couples' stuff with her and her new H".
Since that time, I don't know for sure, but it seems like EGF is becoming less and less of a 'friend' than before. It just seems like the EGF served her purpose at the time for W, but now that we seem to be making progress, EGF is less and less involved in W's life. W has begun to make new 'girlfriends' that are definitely more stable and marriage friendly (EGF is marrying H #3 and she's 26 yrs old).
I can't tell you what to do, but I wouldn't be surprised one bit that if/when you and your H begin putting your marriage back together, that this friend of his becomes less and less of a friend.
Just my .02
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
