2nd-I don't know if you read previous posts but I too, and trusting although I don't think hers was as bad, are on round two and that alone can and does bring resentment. Snodderly posts about that. She has very good information.
When I pray I too pray for strength, patience, insight, understanding, and love. I pray for H to heal. I do pray for the M if that is His will but mostly I just pray for H to heal because if he doesn't I have a pretty good idea where he will end up. Also because I see and hear his pain. Although I do not ever want to go through this again and I do want my marriage, I accept a few things. It is not something I can control although I do have control over me and whether I choose to stand and wait or leave and start over. I accept that he may never heal. But no matter the outcome for us, I pray that he does because I love him and more than I want him, I want him to be healthy and whole. I want him to be who he wants to be and not what he has become through this whole thing.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I can really relate to what you said you gained through this. I too have gained a close relationship with GOD. I believe sometimes you are put into these situations so HE can show you who should be #1 in your life. In my case, I had my H and then the marriage. Through the circumstance, HE gives you a gentle nudge and guides you onto the right path. With HIM in the lead of course!
As you may remember, I'm in Georgia on vacation for three weeks. I am having such an awesome and PEACEFUL time. Just to be away, and not having to be in the middle of the nightmare for a while has been incredible for my PMA!
Hi Cat - Hope things are going well for you. You sound like you are such a strong, faithful woman. What an inspiration!:)
MLJ- I did remember you were on vacation. Glad to hear it has been going well! You need that peace and rest from the whole situation.
I have been doing well most of the time. Last night, though, I had a major meltdown. Fortunately, it was not in front of H but after he went to bed. I was upset a bit earlier and walked out of the room he was in and into my bedroom. He actually followed me in to see what was wrong and asked if "things were getting to" me. I am not sure the point of the way it was phrased. He did not ask it in the snide or sarcastic way he did a few weeks ago, actually what I would call kindly, but I am still not sure if he is still looking for chinks in my armor or what. Anyway, to him I just chalked it up to PMS.
Meanwhile, I just was so upset last night being beyond fed up with the selfish behavior. I am upset at his parents for screwing him up so much that he would act like this. I know deep down even during this psycho time he knows he has issues with his childhood but rather than trying to fix anything he seems hell bent on repeating the cycle in his own kids. I am doing my best to protect and negate that but unless he comes out of this with improvement he will have done permanent damage.
HopefullY I was able to get it out of my system last night - haven't cried like that for a long time. Right after Exodus 14:14 came across my path “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Here I felt like I was doing so good at detaching and had a pretty good week . . . wonder why I got slammed out of the blue like that last night?
Yes he does know he has issues with his childhood even during this psycho time. I think especially during this time is a better way to describe it. I can completly understand your anger at his parents, I too have anger at my H's parents. Much much much anger and I know that they are the underlying reason for all of this. That doesn't make it much easier really. In fact I've spent much of the last month or so just plain angry in general that I am being punished for their mistakes. Our S is being punished for their mistakes. And that makes me want to spit nails. Do your best to insulate your kids. Talk to them and let them talk to you. I don't remember how old they are, mine is a teenager and is the one who told me MLC, I was just to unable to see through the fog, so I know he understands. But his feelings are just as deeply hurt as if he didn't understand. But he does come up with some pretty interesting comments and insights. He was calling my H a turtle, now, since he has been learning to drive, he says H is moving at idle speed, especially since there has been basically a standstill occuring. He still has a lot of faith that things will change and just tries to help me keep my PMA. Funny thing is I"m actually fine when H is not around. When it gets close to the time he comes home from work, even though most days are peaceful anymore, I start to get tense, and that is when I begin to pray. The strength comes and I survive. Everyday.
Thank you for your post, I was beginning to feel like I was the only one who had those angry feelings toward the parents. I haven't seen anyone else post about that in anything I've read. And I read your other thread. They do have moments of clarity, unfortunately, when the realize it, or when they know that we see them, they run right back into the tunnel. My H was peeking his head out quite a bit for a while. But then he just couldn't deal with what he was seeing and stuck his head right back in the sand. Has been there, for the most part, for about two months now. The time is getting shorter between H and alien, but I don't know. The way he ran right back into the tunnel, with such force, makes me wonder if he will be able to process or if he is just going to stay stuck.
Read what you can about MLC and depression. It helps when you can understand it. I doesn't change the pain, but it helps you process and it helps to keep the armor in tact. Yes they do look for chinks in the armor. I don't think they do it intentionally, but they know us just as well as we know them so they start pushing the buttons they know about. When they think that doesn't work anymore, they do look for different buttons. It all seems so cruel and it is. But it really isn't intentional.
I try with the faith. So hard. But I have witnessed too many miracles, true miracles, in my life to not believe.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat, I am glad someone else understands what I feel about my in-laws! The anger towards them is something I have been trying to work through but frankly am too tired right now - just trying to keep my kids protected as much as possible and trying to daily forgive/keep the anger down towards my H so they may have to be put on the back burner for a bit anyway. I have always been the one to keep them posted and send pics of the kids but haven't for a long time. I just don't have it in me right now. The thing is, I really don't think they have a CLUE about what is going on with our family right now.
I have known my husband has carried hurts from his childhood for about as long as I have known him but never expected them to eventually play out in this way! It makes sense, though, with what I know he is hurt about. He is trying to find that validation he has always looked for.
It has been nice to see glimpses of the man I know (and still believe is in there somewhere) but then he disappears for awhile which is SO hard. His "unpredictability" has become predictable though. I know that after he spends extended time with the family or peeks out his head he WILL "run" for at least a couple days where he is around as little as possible and is shut down.
It is interesting that your son is the one who cried MLC. I'm sure it is helpful for him to know what is going on and be able to understand that. My kids are younger and just know things aren't the same right now.
I try to keep the faith. I haven't personally witnessed what I would call "miracles" in my life up until now and am still waiting for my "big" miracle but lately have seen way too many "little" miracles to consider them coincidences which helps keep me going.:) It confirms that no matter what happens, God is listening.
You can't deal with everything at once so putting that on the back burner is a good idea. Don't feel bad about not sending pictures or anything. I too was the one who kept up all of the contact. When I stopped doing that, it was truly a blessing in disguise for me. I always knew that I had issues with MIL and FIL because of how they were while H was growing up and I never paid FIL much mind to begin with, I let H handle him. But I did try to welcome MIL into our lives. That was my mistake. I should have let H handle her completly as well and now I do. He handles her very little but he still won't face what his issues are. I have prepared a letter to her, in the event of D, that I have every intention of sending her. I have witnessed so much and I have every right to let her know just what she has done. I will not share it with her if H and I remain together, but I still will not take a proactive stance in that relationship anymore and H is very aware of that. It just is not good for me.
Yes it is nice to see them pop out. That the person you know is still there somewhere. Just be as patient as you can and protect your heart. Read about the touch and go's versus real reconnection. It is important to be able to see the differences. Yes I too have learned to be able to predict the "unpredictibility".
Your patience will be tested and your faith will grow. This becomes our journey as well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat, I so badly want to tell his parents all of his issues and hangups but I am quiet for now. I want to tell them about how he is acting now but know that the only reason I would be doing that is for retribution of sorts so I am quiet on that as well.
Where can I find info about the touch and go versus the reconnection? I feel like a yo-yo sometimes. Most of the day I am able to maintain a positive attitude but I have to admit the further in the day it gets the harder it is. Uggh.
Yes staying quiet is good. Many years ago my H and I got into a physical fight that was very very bad. The only one ever. He told his father about it and his father actually called his mother. Get this-he was wondering what THEY did to make H so angry. And she didn't know either. Well, I was not there for his childhood, just his late adolesence and early adulthood and I could have shared a list about 3 miles long with him but I figured if he hadn't figured it out in 27 years he never would. LOL. That was during his last bout with this monster and I think it was a trigger to snap him out of it prematurly because he was so afraid of his temper. So see anger is present through the entire thing as well, just usually not as bad as during the anger phase.
Retribution, yes. I would love to tell her, especially as I have spent twenty years listening to her pity parties about what a horrible mother she was and her guilt, to watch her not change one single iota to be different. But being quiet is important. Especially to your M. That is why I wrote the letter. It helped me deal with my feelings, a release of sorts, but like I said, I will not send it unless there is no reason not to.
Go to the MLC archives and look for thread titled TMAK Explanation of Reconnection. It is a wonderful place to start. I do not know if the link is in the thread titled MLC Resource List or not. I unfortunately have no luck linking things or even in the search window so I have to do everything the long way.
Yes I understand about PMA also. As you get more tired it becomes harder to maintain.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I wanted to share that I have found it helpful to read the whole threads, not just the post that applies to the pretinent question. Often much more info is found as others are chiming in.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Sounds like you have had quite a lot of stuff to deal with over the years!! So the MLC is icing on the cake.
I read the threat on reconnection and unfortunately his normalcy at times has to be touch and go. He was so nice and normal a lot last week and the past couple of days the alien has reared it's ugly head. Big time. I am hoping the fact that we DO see the touch and go means that eventually he will reconnect.
I am just having a hard time today. Definitely not as detched as normal and having a hard time not hating H right now. I never did like roller coaster rides - they make me sick.
Guess I need to refocus and get myself out of this funk!
