Agh! He's detached completely!

[hhh]

If you don't mind my asking, did the judge order MC or the workshop you were hoping? I am in a somewhat similar situation and want my husband to go to Retrovaille w me (separated 8 months, he's WAH), but don't think he will. Let me know if this works for you. Thanks

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Hi. I'm teary once again, this tims it's cause a family member is being really, really unflexible. I've got a wedding to attend, yet again, this weekend, and I need to go. I was initially planning on attending alone, but then Gizmo said he'd go with me, so I RSVP'd for 2 of us. He bailed on me the other day, which ticked me off, and I was so embarrassed that I called the bride at her work # late at night so I wouldn't have to talk to her directly, and left a message saying that it would only be just me at the wedding. Then, my sister, who just announced very recently that she is pregnant, ripped into me on the phone for even wanting to attend the wedding with someone else. I attended a very close friends wedding just 2 weeks after he filed for divorce initially, and managed to hold it together from one hour before the wedding (cause I was helping set up) all the way through till after the first bunches of dances started.

During the dances, they did the "anniversary dance", and my H and I would have "won" for being the shortest marriage short of the bride and the groom. It felt like 16x the DJ said "All married couples on the dance floor", to get everyone dancing. I left shortly thereafter, because seeing the married couples dancing was just too hard to take. I had tried to brace myself for the wedding, and even watched the movie "Father of the Bride" at her bachelorette party, which got me a little verklempft, but hadn't realized seeing couples dance would get me so upset, but it did. So, I was a trooper, and lasted most of the day, and was proud of myself for having gone to it and survived intact.

I knew I could survive this one fine going alone, but I just thought it would actually be fun to go to with someone else. I just wish he wouldn't have said yes to going in the first place.

Also, my sister, although married and never divorced, is apparently the worlds expert on divorces now, and she is advising me to "take whatever he offers", as far as my h's ridiculous offer of first month & last months rent instead of waiting for the long court divorce to proceed. She was literally snorting at me saying I'm being "ridiculous" for asking for a damn thing.

This is especially hurtful because I'm being uber supportive about her pregnancy, and meanwhile, I'm years older than she is and haven't ever had a child, and am getting a divorce right now, yet I've not said one negative thing to her or even mentioned jealousy that I might have or anything. Nope. Instead I went to a few garage sales (all I can afford right now) and got them some nice baby clothes and stuff, and in fact just went to a thrift shop and got some lovely stuff that's in immaculate condition as well. I had fun shopping for the baby, and am truly happy for her and her H, but I am really disappointed she can't even allow me to enjoy the few things that really make me happy at this point, like shopping for baby clothes for her baby (it's too big/small, wrong season, etc), no matter what I got and some of it's not even for her, it's for my brother and his wife, who are expecting their first child in a month.

I just really don't need the critizism right now because I'm going through enough as it is. I'm busy trying to do all the work stuff that I have to do to get my job back, but that's not coming easy either, as I need to enlist the help of other people, outside my control, to get their cooperation as well. Plus, that meant yesterday I had to tell this miserable story to someone else yet again, and that I can do without, but I felt it necessary to give some explanation for what is going on.

I'm sick and tired of feeling stupid and made a fool in this whole matter. I just don't have the energy to deal with this bs anymore and so wish I had my husband on my side helping me instead of having him be yet another combatant I'm forced to "fight" in this war that is my life and now includes my divorce. Fun fun.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Dear HHH,

Nope, no judge ordered the MC or workshop yet. In fact, at this hearing we get the "Family Court Commissioner" to rule on this, not the judge, and this isn't for about 2 weeks. I got the idea from my H because he said he'll only go "if a judge makes me go", so I thought, "what the heck- why not try and ask for it?" Apparently, one of the attys I consulted with told me that MC used to be mandatory in this state, but that was 20 years ago. In this case, I think "progress" made things worse, not better!

I've heard of Retrovaille, and wish you the best of luck should you be able to get the cooperation of your WAH. I will fill you in on the results of our hearing once I know more.

I submitted to the court an official request for a hearing, (from the courts website) because I needed maintenace, as well as a letter written in "legal style" that I downloaded on Word and modified, stating just the facts about our short marriage and what I wanted in this hearing, the MC and workshop as well as maintenance and almost most importantly, for him to stop spending ridiculously and foolishly as he's been doing. Then I also included a copy of the marriage workshop flyer and had to make 6 copies of everything and send it into the court. So it was a bit of a pain, and I actually did it incorrectly the first time around and didn't send enough and to the wrong people, but I feel it was worth it to have a last ditch effort to try to salvage this marriage. I feel like I've offered it up to god/the universe/fate, and that I've done all I can and I can't do anymore. At least though, should this divorce go through, I feel like I won't have any lingering doubts that I didn't try everything within my power to try to help my husband see the light.

I wish you luck, and take care.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Fantastic....started this morning by reading yesterday's mail, and joy of joys, turns out that the topic my husband's atty wants to bring up is "Removal of Respondent from residence". Doesn't it sound like he's needs to get a piano removed or something, not a human? lol!

Well, I chanced this happening, as I well knew, by asking for a hearing anyways, so it's no surprise, but it's still rude to see it in black and white. <sigh> I really need to find an atty of my own, but they're so damn expensive, and I just got a huge loan from my parents already...ugh. I hate to ask for more, but I guess I have no choice. God I feel like a loser.

Good news that happened today was that I got a major piece of the work puzzle solved and I will be restarting work again on Monday in a new location chock full of PEOPLE, not empty and lonely...yeah!!! Speaking of human, the guy I met there today was super nice and the cool thing is I get to kind of start over because I will be "single" already right from the get go, and so I won't have to get into the whole D thing unless of course, someone asks me about it, and I will tell them. But the nice thing is that is that it whole brand new start and I can make my way anew.

Gosh it feels good to say that. I'm so sick of the drama of this divorce and how personally embarassed I feel about it. I am getting better about it, but still feel so foolish. And I've had to ask people for help all damn week and say the story a bunch more times, which is hard on me. It also makes this D all the more permanant in my head because I feel like if I were to some reason, go back to my H before this D is final, I would feel kind of like a battered wife who goes back to her abuser, you know what I mean? Sheepish, I guess.

While I'm excited to go back to work again, the truth remains that it was in no small part that this career, and being self employed in it, contributed mightily to our upcoming D, and my future homelessness (I will go live with my folks, but getting kicked out of my home here I mean). I have to think, for my own sanity though, that all this would have happened in the future for other reasons, or cumulative reasons, and that I will be grateful it happened so early on in our marriage so I didn't waste time with someone so willing to give it up at the drop of a hat.

Do I still have hope that somehow, he will still come to his senses and "wake up" before the D is final? Yes. Honestly, I would still be thrilled, but I cannot have hope for this because he's been so unwavering in his dedication to the idea of a D ever since he brought it up in March. What if the judge were to agree to send us to back to MC or the workshop? I think it would be great, but think without getting more help for himself, my H will still be too stubborn to hear what others are saying to him and trying to help him, so he won't "get it". It's too bad he doesn't get it, but I have to walk away from him because I have to save me at this point.

Strangely enough, he's the one who started this thing about ignoring me and not talking to me, and now, I'm the one who is continuing it, even though I don't have to, because I truly don't want to talk to him. I don't even have the inclination to do so, and it feels "normal" to not speak to one another now, as weird as that sounds. I guess I've just come to terms with the fact that he's a screwed up loser who doesn't see anything wrong wtih his aberant behavior, so why bother? That, and he's been out every night this week till 10 pm. WTF?

Probably spending time with his ex gf who is probably now his GF again. He's spending a lot of $ in her small town as I can easily see by his bank statements. He's still leaving them around, so duh, I'm looking at them.

Speaking of expenses, I have to do my own personal expenses for the court, and have to do it soon. Ugh. The nice thing is that it is relatively easy to do so.

Got to go clean up, I spent a good hour on the elliptical and burned off a lot of my anger, then finished off the day with a turtle sundae with my good friend at a local custard shop. It was great to see her, it's been too long since we've visited together.

[bluerain]

I glad to hear that you are spending time with your friends, maybe now is a good time to get out there and make some new ones!

I think that we get to the point where their behavior just isnt something that we are willing to abide by anymore! That seems to be a fairly significant turning point for most people on here.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

I so wish I could get ahold of my best friend. I need to talk. Found yet another sign of my H's infidelity just now, he spent $200 on "Sweet Delight", whatever that is I have no idea, but it sounds like a gift to me. I will have to cross check this on his actual cc statement to get more info, but I know sure as heck that I didn't get SD on July 13th! In fact, he was gone that weekend to a family wedding a few states away. Also found more evidence of spending money on others (not me), many small $12 "gifts" noted in his planner book as far as daily expenses. It makes me absolutely ill to see them, but I haven't looked into his schedule book/planner for a long time and thought I should look into it to see if there was something I needed to bring to the attention of the attorny I will be seeing tomorrow for my "lunch consult".

It's a fantastic idea from a local law group, to offer advice from an attorny for the cost of lunch, plus you also can then "shop" the attorney and see if they are what you are looking for.

*** Just talked to my H, and of course he didn't talk back, telling him I ran into the neighbors at the mall and that they think he's a schmuck.

Actually, they didn't say anything about him at all and we just waved hi. I was with Gizmo, we were just eating lunch after a night of major drinking at a friend's wedding. We had a blast, much more fun than I would have had with my H, unfortunately, because he's a snob and doesn't and can't party so he looks down on it. He would have hated the music at the party and probably everything else as well.

I kind of did the "bait and switch" as far as displacing anger went when I taunted my H (above) because really, I'm PO'd about him spending all this $ on his ex gf constantly. Either he thinks I'm stupid and WON't find all this evidence, or he wants me to find it, so thinks my mom, because he's just a mean, vindictive person. Either way, it makes me feel absolutely ill to find more evidence of his betrayals.

Aggh. At a collegues wedding again I got unsolicited divorce advice from someone that not only hasn't been through a divorce, but hasn't even been married! Duh! Then I have the husband of a close friend telling me that I should take 6 months off from dating anyone after my divorce. This is from someone who dated seriously only 1 person before getting married, and he was in his late 30's at the time, so it's not like he got hitched in his early 20's or something! I guess the same thing happens when you are pregnant or have small children, people feel like they can come up to you and bestow their brillant advice all the time, but it is not appreciated at all.

The nice thing was that I had a positive spin on the whole D thing for my other collegues, "went through a bad time for a few months cause I was going through a bad divorce, but now I'm back in the saddle again", and told them about the new office that I'm going to tomorrow morning for the first time. So I had something available to end it on a positive note, which was great. I also kind of got an open invite for a job at the wedding, so it was well worth my time there. This is ego building, but not as much as you would think because my job is always hiring because when you cut it down to brass tacks, it's a sales job, and they are always hiring sales people if they are commission only, which we kind of are. But still, it was worthwhile to go and meet and mingle with everyone that I hadn't seen in awhile. Glad to see people I haven't seen in years and years and I think the best part was that I got to dance my butt off with the best dj I've heard I think ever! The only complaint would be that he (or she) cut too much of some songs, so you only heard maybe 20/30 seconds of some songs before he melded it into a new song, but otherwise, it was a rocking evening, and I had a good time.

Got to go.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Thanks for your message bluerain! Yep, it's good I am GAL, but kind of sad the reason why (upcoming D). I've met some really awesome people, and I find myself very blessed with great friends and my immediate family are fantasticlly supportive as well. I met my now best friend on meetup.com, and I have to start attending more of their events and their D support group because if I met her there, there's got to be other awesome folks I haven't met yet! Plus, I don't just want to burden just 1 friend with my woes, because it is not fair to her.

I am seeing what a jerk my H really is, and it's hard because I still remain an eternal optimist and a teeny, tiny portion of me still hopes and prays that he comes to his senses and decides to work on the marriage, but I doubt it will happen as each day goes by without any change in his behavior. <sigh>. The good thing is that I have decided that I am not accepting this subpar behavior as acceptible anymore, and that's a good thing too. I am a doormat no more!

Thanks for your comments and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

[Kimmie Lee]

yep, there's almost always OW in these sitches. Let her have him with your blessing.

I say this because I just re-read your first post and your h's "demands."

[bluerain]

I read once that the best revenge for a woman who steals another womans man, is to let her have him!

I think that once you get to a point where you see your spouses true colors, it makes a big difference with detaching! Hopefully, it will make things a little easier.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Promised I would post after the court hearing yesterday. I had asked the court commissioner for Marriage Counseling to resume as well as for us to attend, and him to pay for a Imago Therapy Marriage Workshop, and finally, maintenance, since I just got back to work last week and have not had any money or unemployment funds at all, and my H hasn't given me a dime since April 3.

Well, let's start with the bad news. Got a no on the first 2 requests, because he said that coerced participation is rarely helpful. However, he did acknowledge that counseling is helpful overall.

As far as my right to remain in the home, that was upheld!!! I am so glad for this, because my H is acting like he is doing me some big favor or something, to let me stay in our home. If he wants me to move out, he will have to pay for a rental. You should have seen his face when he was told how much is the reccomended amount he needs to pay per month based on the calculation. He said that he'd need to take a second job to pay for it...then my attorney used that opening to say "If you stop paying for things for your girlfriend like hotel stays and toys for her kids, you'll be able to afford it. We have copies of reciepts". Ha!

And he has, spent close to 5k in the last 2 months on crap. Also he is purposely running up 2 cards because he thinks I have to split them @ divorce, but guess what, they are all his responsibility, ever since date of filing! He would go out to a restaurant and charge $300, and have everybody pay him cash, but never pay back the charge, so I'd have to split it.

Guess what happened next? All our accounts (both of us) are frozen until the actual divorce except our checking accounts. Thank god...then he won't rack up more debt - what an idiot! He had to ask my permission in court to spend some money in the savings account to pay off a small home improvement he's already paid half of, which I agreed to do.

So he really wanted me out of the house, but did not get it. He said that he would write me a big check were I to move out immediately, but my attorney and I said no, because it works out to only 1.5x of the monthly amount the calculation told us that he could easily swing from his LARGE monthly income.

I feel very strongly about the workshop, especially becasue of the approach looking at needs we fullfill through our spouse that we got deprived of in childhood. He has a ton of these. So I've instructed my attorney to let him choose as far as monthly payout, and to make it very attractive for him to choose the lower monthly payout if he attends this upcoming workshop. It's what he desperately needs, and my last ditch effort, so I'm not giving up on it.

I need to contact the therapist and make sure he is marriage friendly, because as it turned out, our other therapist was not. I got this one through the "Getting the love you want" website, the Imago therapy one, so that we could continue the work from the workshop here back at home. I need to get his rates as well as ascertain that he is pro marriage. He doesn't take our insurance, I think. I've called him once before to check, but he works on a sliding scale.

So while there were no final decisions made on housing, I feel super supported because they upheld my rights and he now has the reality check that he will actually have to pay me somehting. I almost feel bad for him, because my atty got in everything I wanted said, and really, even looking back, his attorney did't get anything in at all, and he's had the case for months now! I just hired my atty this week, but she's fiesty! ggrr! I was so proud of her for standing up for me.

I was super nervous and at one point cried out "but we still love each other" during the session, because it's the truth. They had us facing each other in a medium sized room around a table and the attys faced the court comissioner. It was intimidating, but I was super glad I was there with support as opposed to going in alone.

I would expect that our attys will have some sort of compromise completed by the end of this week, and I will have to move out, but hopefully, if I can get him to attend the seminar first, by dangling less of an obligation over him, he will bite at keeping me around until after we attend the workshop and hopefully he is mine once again, and we can drop this whole thing. I will keep you posted.

I must add this as well. I made it a point not to gloat at home and continued the silence, as we've been doing. I don't want to rub it in and make him defensive or feel foolish after the fact because I want him back. Also, I am making a real show of working my butt off at work now that I am back to it and going to sleep early and all of it because I am wiped out after getting back in the saddle and I want (and need) to make some serious cash. This was a big issue for us, so I want him to see me crank hard now.

I owe my folks so darn much just for the atty alone! I feel like an indentured servant, I owe so much, but I appreciate their help. Also, this atty was one of the few in the city that offers a fixed divorce option price, so I jumped at that. Nice to know one of my costs is covered already, except for trial appearances. So I feel like I got a deal in her, and I'm very grateful.

Back to our Marriage though, I am still hopeful that now that he has a reality slap (big time) of his obligations, he's more willing to compromise and even (dare I say it!) talk to me and work out our problems. Cross your fingers that this is the wake up call he needs! Thanks for all your well wishes and comments.