Agh! He's detached completely!

[Kimmie Lee]

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

About the marital assets.....as far as I know, if you live in a community property state, your H is not doing himself any favors by "squandering joint income." You are not allowed to get away with that here in WA State and the judge takes it into account.

Also, for the present, your atty should be setting a hearing to get court-ordered, temporary spousal maintenance in place for you. Like, immediately!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Thanks for the positive message Kimmie Lee!

You'll be happy to know that I put in a request for a hearing on maintenance myself...but the courts are so packed that it's doubtful we will get in before September or even October, believe it or not! At least it is in progress, I guess.

Here's the weird thing...I am getting used to being ignored 24/7. Pretty pitiful, huh? It's true though. It almost seems normal that I'm here typing away in my office, and he's in his, where he's been all night except for a few minutes in the kitchen. Didn't even come to see anything when I called out that he should come see something cute the animals were doing or anything. <sigh>.

Every day like this is like another nail in the coffin of our dead marriage. I just want to shake him and get him back to what he was, but I Fear that this is the real him. He says it's not, says it's just him ignoring me.

I keep forgetting checking to see if he's wearing his wedding ring. Does it matter? Not really.

Oh, I'm getting really PO at our MC. I called her 3x and finally got a call back last Friday, saying she had availability on Monday and Tuesday. So I called back saying "yes, just let me know when I can come in". In addition, since I haven't heard back, I've called 1x per day since Monday. How many calls have I gotten back? Zip. That's right, people, despite the fact she called me to tell me that she had openings, she hasn't called me back. I'm wondering just how affilated she is with my H's counselor, because I think she is telling me one thing and him another. This not calling me back is making me even angrier. Remember, my H said in a fax to his atty that our MC told him that our marriage was over. This is NOT what she has told me 1:1, I just want to get to the truth, and I'm getting really angry at all the lying and deceit all around me.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Haven't written in a bit.

Not much to say because I haven't seen my H all weekend.

I didn't check my email all day Friday because I was running errands everywhere around town. So I went to bed pretty early and then woke up around midnight because I heard a car idling outside the house. I thought it was my H coming home, but it turned out to be a police officer with his headlights on. Soon after, another one joined in, which freaked me out and also made me wonder where my H was.

So I called him, at 12:30 am asking him, and he didn't pick up. Finally, on the 4th call, he did, and told me where he was. I said something to the effect of "it's nice to tell your WIFE where you are going to be" and he said "I really wish you'd stop pretending (the D) is not happening". That hurt. And I am still, right now, his wife, damnit!

He decided to stay over at a friend's place because he has a sporting event this morning and she lives in that town, kind of a haul from home here. Yes I said she, it is his closest friend, who is a woman. I'm not threatened, they've had plenty of chances to hook up long before we even met, and I sense the brother sister vibe when they're together. It's sad that I'm not going to be there cheering him on though, and ironic, because I got him into this crap myself, long ago.

He also said he wanted to stay there to get "rested" as if he didn't get sleep when he was here or something. This is the only time I've ever called him late at night like this, so I'm far from being the needy, clingy "little wifey" or anything, but I'm still mad at myself that I did call, and did have him remind me, yet again about the upcoming D. To say it sucks and that I'm dreading it is the biggest understatement of them all.

Oh well.

On with my life, that's all I have under my control anyways. Went out on the town last night, and didn't wear my wedding ring. We had a chic, upscale local festival going on and who should I run into but my closest friend and her H! She was proud of me for not wearing the ring and venturing out with a friend of mine as a "Single woman" once again.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

It's been awhile since I last posted but no change for the better, unfortunatley. I am no longer wearing my wedding ring as of a few days ago. My H is not wearing his and I felt stupid taking it on and off and like I'm in denial about this upcoming divorce. I in fact, said to a stranger "I'm going through a divorce right now" which shocked me in retrospect, but I guess I am starting to (have to) embrace that truth.

I've ordered some books from amazon about coping while going through a divorce, because not only is my spouse getting more and more silent as the days go by, he has not relented one iota since he made up his mind that we are through.

I put in the court order that we resume Marriage Counseling as well as attend a weekend marriage workshop run by professionals (Getting the Love you Want wkshp based on Harville Hendrix, Phds book by the same name). The good news is that we have a court date set up much sooner than I'd been led to believe, at the end of next month, in which to see what the court commissioner decideds about my requests for these things, plus maintenance, and most importantly to me, to stop spending money like water, as he's been doing. No one can make him talk to me, but it would be great to have another "rational" & "outside party" tell him that he's given up way too soon and is being ridiculous and recommend MC and the weekend Wkshp, but I have put it up to God at this point, and can do no more on that front legally.

On my own though, I can get better at the DR and focus on my stuff outssweide the marriage, because it all seems to be falling apart right at the same time (of course)! I lost it last week and that's because I was overstressed by some additional problems being added to the overtaxed burden I'm already carrying right now, and I hadn't been exercising to relieve the stress as I definatley need to. So I had a mini fit here at the house and was kicking the kitchen cabinets like a 2 year old as well as fuming and swearing and stomping around. I'm not proud of my behavior, but it is what it is, and I wknow I've got to continue to try to take care of myself and my needs day to day to thwart future displays of frustration and anger.

Every time I think I've reached the all time high for stress, another thing starts to implode. The good thing about all of this is that I'm getting much calmer day to day at things that might have made me freak out before. I am also spending more time giving back to others who have it much worse off than me and spent the week giving blood as well as attending a Habitat for Humanity volunteer orientation and finally worked for a few hours as a volunteer at a community festival.

Next week I'm excited because I'm going to volunteer for H4H during the week two times doing new construction since I'm still not back to work (one of my major stressors). I've long wanted to try to volunteer for H4H, a noble cause, so not only does it help me focus on the truly needy folks, but it is helping me GAL by fullfilling one of my life goals that doesnt' cost me a dime!

I'm also overwhelmed because a guy I dated (it's too much of a stretch to say ex-bf, cause we weren't that intimate) has asked me repeatedly if I want to move in with him. At the same time, he knows my situation and agrees that it wouldn't make sense to do so until I try my last major effort (the MC/workshop) in court at the end of August. He and I have done no more than a very casual kiss at this point, and last night I called him on the dichotomy of this intimacy disagreement and he kind of freaked out (again), saying that "I'm married" (duh!) and that he shouldn't get involved, etc. I've been really trying to be really upfront and honest with him along the way, and I know he's in a really difficult position right now, but I think it's only fair to call it as I see it, especially in this circumstance and ask him to please explain his feelings to me.

I would be asking him this regardless of my situation were I to see this same behavior if we were normal, single people dating, and I need to remind him of this point when I next see him/talk to him. That's supposed to be this morning, but we'll see what happens after his mini-freak out last night. I shouldn't have called him while he was out with his friends, but once I knew I did say "don't worry about it", but he did, calling me back and asking if I was mad at him. I can't wait till it is later in the morning so I can call him and tt him. I always get up early in the morning when I'm stressed about something, and this mornign was no exception. The only exceptiion is that instead of being upset about my D or my H, it's about someone completely different.

I am trying my damnest to be completely upfront and honest about everything with this guy because I have to for my sanity and his right now. I just don't want to repeat any of the crap I'm going through right now with my husband with anyone else, ever. Better to err on the side of TMI than less, right?

In the meantime, I will continue to GAL as well as pray for my H to see the reality of our situation and want to start working at it again.

Take care, you wonderful, supportive folks out there. I can't tell you enough how great this is to be able to "talk" to you all and know you "get it" during this rough time.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Same old same old here. No change. I make it a point with my friend not to bring up my H. I have to come up with a name for my friend, how about Tommy...that works. Anyway, Tommy constantly asks if he's (my H) is around, so of late, I go out walking or something if he calls so I get some privacy.

Actually, lo and behold, there is news..my H just walked in here (my office) just 1 sec ago and verbally told me how to use a flash drive to of music to put on my iPod. He had burned cds for me and emailed me directions, but that didn't work. This is a tad more difficult because I'm going from an Apple computer to Windows. But the point is, he talked to me! He didn't email me, he tt me! OMG!

I had just written him a deep, emotional email this morning saying that I want his forgiveness, and giving a real life example from Redbook of a couple who kind of went through a similar thing and survived. Maybe this Last ditch effort stuff works, even in the 11th hour, like it is for us? God I hope so.

I just went to a movie tonight that while overall hopeful, reminds me why I don't want to go out into the dating world again. I'm so sick of dating. I think that's why "Tommy's" offer of living with him is so inviting. Not only is it flattering, at a time when I'm getting next to no attention from my husband, but I'd love to be waking up with a real, live, person once again. Being alone in a bed sucks. I swear one of the best parts of being married was sharing a bed! I love to cuddle.

I think I might move out after our court thing at the end of August, no matter how it goes, cause I might be forced out at that time. The weird thing is, that I don't even know Tommy that well, and I've never gone from rlsp to rlsp before, ever. I've always had pretty decent sized times in between dating or being alone and single or whatever. I just won't move in with Tommy unless I feel really strongly about it, instead I will move into my folks place.

God, he and I have so much to talk about were we to do something like this, I mean there's so much I dont' know about him yet. Also, I'm trying to learn something from this D, so I will be asking more and more questions and different ones than I had thought were so important before. Yeah, some of those questions are important, but there are others, and deeper levels to the basics that are so critical day to day, like gender role expectations for your spouse, etc. And yet, I want to be able to go out with someone without feeling I'm interrogating them, you know? I was telling my mom that no one better give me any crap for anything I do, like live with someone before marriage, because I've tried the traditional route, and it didn't work for me and now I'm terrified of getting married ever again.

Maybe what I needed to do to truly GAL and do my LDE (last ditch effort) successfully was truly start living like I'm getting a divorced or just got one, hence testing the waters/dating casually and starting to refer to "getting divorced" in casual conversation as well as stop wearing my ring? I find this weird that this might be what draws my husband back, but maybe it's where I needed to go and he needed to see I could be successfully divorced before he decides I'm worth keeping? I feel like I've come so far through the pain, I'm kind of scared if he does want me back because how can I open myself up again to him, the man who has all this power to hurt me so badly?? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd be thrilled if he wants to end this divorce right here and now, but then what? How do we rebuild our marriage and this time get it right?

Sounds like I have more reading to do.

I still need to do the "homework" from DB as well as GTLYW. I'm especially curious about GTLYW's exercise when you determine positive and negative characteristics of your parents and see how that has influenced your choice of marriage partner.

So, here I am folks, walking a tightrope between two worlds while still clinging to the fading hope that my H will come to his senses before I plunge into Divorceland. At least I feel like I wouldn't be crushed were that to happen at this point. At least I have some hope for the future once again. That's a good thing. I'll take it.

Adios amigos!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Agh. Major legal issues with work right now, and I'm under a huge deadline as well. Fun fun, have to see more attornies. I honestly don't have much "fight" left in me. Thank god for my interest in the new man, Gizmo, because otherwise I'd have nothing postive going for me right now.

Had friend serve H papers this afternoon for our first court date to #1 get him to stop spending $, get me some maintenance $ as well as resume MC and go to a great Marriage Workshop that I think could be transformational to him personally, as well as our marriage. It was hard sitting here waiting to hear it all went as planned, but it did, thank god.

I'm exhausted today, it's hard mustering up the strength to keep going, but somehow I am.

I volunteered at Habitat for Humanity earlier this weeka and while I worked my butt off, it was a fantastic experience and got me out of the house. I plan to work 1 day a week right now since I have the time. It's a great cause, and will look very good on my resume, and it teaches me valuable new skills. Plus, I swear I sweated off 8 lbs of sweat while we prepared two bathroom floors with special sheetrock.

H still not home from work, and it's almost 10 pm. I knew he would be acting oddly because he got served, and that's never fun, but still, I expected him home way before this. Not that anything I think matters anymore. <sigh>

How do you know when you honestly don't have a chance to save your marriage? He's so black and white on decisions that I think once he switched his mind to D, he can't possibly change it!

Got to go.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Haven't written in eons here. It's been busy, with incredible stress within my career that is getting really out of hand. Although I swore the last person I wanted to ever see again was an attorney, I may have to get them involved. It sucks, and the worst part is, I think because my H is not here to help me with this stuff, and is in fact ADDING significantly to my stress because of the D, I have almost completely fallen OUT of love with him because he's let me down so badly. Now, when I need him the most, and I'm fighting on so many fronts (Unemployment compensation, still not getting any, my career, this D) and he isn't helping me at all. It's making me really angry, which I think is very helpful at this stage of the game, because he is letting me down big time.

In fact, he hasn't given me a dime for months and months...I think in Early April was the last time, so I'm surviving on Air and my tax refund check (gone) and that's it. True, he's buying some groceries, but nothing I'm asking for, and he refuses to buy milk or meat, because he's a vegatarian. And he knows that I have zero money, and am not getting unemployment, and cannot do my job, so that's the worst part, yet he feels he's "supporting me". What BS.

He's also completely refusing to listen to reason about the whole D thing, and has decided that both mediation and collaborative divorce aren't going to happen, although they could be much faster and quicker and much cheaper than a full court divorce. We could be done in 2 months with the first two types, and it will take 8-12 months MORE for the court divorce, plus cost 3x as much. My point is that we haven't been married all that long, if he's refusing to go to MC and refusing to go to the Imago Therapy weekend couples workshop, or heck, even to TALK to me, STILL at this point, there is little to no chance of reconcilation, so I'd rather get out faster and cheaper than wait 8-12 months more. I've already had 4 months of silence and being ignored, and I'm damn sick of it. If he doesn't want to work on this marriage, I want to get out of it, and it seems like whatever I want he wants the opposite!

So, I'm stopping from this point forward talking about the D at all or the rlsp. I should have anyways, but I was hoping he would consent to something, anything at this point. I am also hoping that the first hearing that we have coming up at the end of this month will give him a preview of what's to come should he continue with his denial of the facts of the matter in this case because I'm pretty sure that they will award me maintence now, in the period before the divorce is final, and that's the big point of contention between us. Since he thinks he is already "supporting me", he doesn't want to have to pay me anything extra at all. If he sees that this is NOT going to go the way his podunk attorney has been telling him it would, maybe he'll reconsider everything. In the meantime, I will continue doing the LRT and try to keep calm during this especially stressful week as far as work goes.

I will try to get on the ellipical and workout as much as possible during this time so that I can vent there (and here!) instead of losing my cool with my H. I did lose it with him yesterday because I was under so much work stress and he still hasn't responded to my emails about considering Collab D or my proposal that I submitted to him 20 days ago (that he asked for, btw), and my grandmother was blaming me for not knowing him well enough when we got married so this is all my fault, so I blew a gasket and yelled a bit.

I didn't get super nasty, by any means, but it was still not cool. It annoyed me more when he pulled his drama queen bs and answered in a light whispery voice yet again. I'm so sick of this drama. That's one reason I married him, was to get away from the drama...duh! He seemed straight forward when we were dating...he said he'd call, he did, we made plans, he showed up, we had fun, made more plans, etc.

I am not really dating people, but I am seeing an ex bf I'm calling Gizmo here. We went to a baseball game last weekend and then to dinner with my folks, and he had such a good time that he said he "didn't want the night to end"! It didn't hurt matters that during our family dinner, my sister announced she is pregnant, which is big happy news for our family and hers! So it was much to my dismay when he called the next day telling me that he cannot come and be my date to the wedding that's coming up in a mere matter of days now. Once again, he's freaking out because I'm married and he thinks it's improper that he be "seen out" with me. I find this hilariaous because he goes out in public looking like an absolute hobo most of the time, unshaved, hair askew, wearing dirtish too long jean shorts and black socks with his tennis shoes...ugh! I really don't think people would question us, but I think they might question him overall were they to see him as he truly appears! He is incredibly handsome when he shaves and wears decent clothes, but that seems like it only happens during work days. Obviously he needs some major help in the fashion department.

I do not think helping someone in this area constitutes major changing of the sort that I'm trying to avoid, like changing someones personality, for example. I don't want to do that, I just want to help him pick better selections for casual wear. The good news is that he already has asked me once about a shirt he wore over my folks place. He just didn't ask me about the other stuff, so I didn't comment on it. I just try to really positively comment when there is something he is wearing that I like. If and when we become more than just casual going out and about to places, I will take the advice of my good friend and point out things like "a lot of guys seem to wear those short, white socks, don't they?" to try to nudge him in the direction of being aware of these little things. I'm not too worried about it at the time. Like I said, all I want from him now is a little companionship and time away from the house to forget my troubles for a little bit, and he definatley gives me that when we hang out.

I will just wait out Giz's little freakout once again, until he calls me, and see what happens in the meantime. I've got plenty on my plate right now anyways to deal with this work stuff...agh! Thankfully, it will be done soon, I hope.

I went in to the doctor last week and found that I've gained 25 pounds since February. She says that I need to lose weight, but to do so, probably have to eliminate or combat this day to day stress head on by moving out of this stressful situation and working out every day. She also said that most likely, this new medication I've been taking since Feb has resulted in most of the weight gain. All the more reason to stop it once we get this divorce DONE with and me moving on with life.

Got to go, it's late and I've been wanting a nap all day. Now that the stress aderenlin has worn off, I'm wiped out.

Ta!

[bluerain]

Hi, Im sorry for all the stress, this is the last thing you need when you are going through stressful times at work!

I want to caution you against dating. Even though you are separated, it could really bite you in the butt. H could use it against you, why should he offer spousal support when you are having an A, dont doubt he will do it, people do the most bizzare things in the throes of a D. And if you really want things to work out with Gizmo, I think that its a good idea to not enter into your R with him with all the baggage of a rebound. Im not judging you, I dated early in my separation too, it turned out to be a big mistake. I think that if there is any chance of reconciling, dating just makes a big mess. And if you and gizmo are going to be great together you will be great together after the D. Or at least after your H signs the papers!

I really feel too like I dont have it in me to give my full self to a new R while I still have all this going on with H, when I want to reconcile, its not fair to start a new relationship.

Ive heard people call them revenge affairs, I sort of disagree with that, for me at least. It was more about proving to myself that I was desireable, and worthy, even though H was acting like I wasnt.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Bluerain, thanks for your post & support! You're right in that I definately do not want a rebound thingie going on with Gizmo, he's worth it to wait, but like you said, it's really hard when you are getting nothing positive from your spouse at home, and in fact for me it's 99% negative. I too am enjoying getting reinforcement that I'm loveable by someone, still considered attractive, can pronounce words correctly 95% of the time (H critizes me on on this all the time and it's annoying as heck). and that I'm a fun person who is fun to do things with. I haven't done a damn thing with my H in months and months. Seriously, all we do is barely coexist here in the house.

I hear you that having a rlsp outside of the marriage is not good if you want the marriage to survive, but I no longer think that is an option for us. I think my H is one of those people Michele talks about in DB, that's set his mind one way, and that's how it is for him, and he cannot fathom changing it at this point. My therapist agrees, unfortunatley, because really, he hasn't wavered one iota since he said he was "done" with this and in fact has gotten more adamant about it and further entrenched.

Trust me on the fact that I'd be over the moon if he were to change his mind and stop the divorce, but I don't think that it is possible for him.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Not only do I think it's highly inprobable that my H will change his mind about this D, but I also don't know if I could possibly forgive him for putting me through not only this hell right now, but also for threatening D when I was barely coming out of a severe depression. Who does that?

This is the type of person that would leave me if I were to get horribly mangled in a car accident or something. If so, than I'd sure rather know now than when I have kids with him and more years invested in the marriage. And in self protection, I couldn't possibly let myself stay married to someone like this, no matter how much I loved him, even if he started acting loving back to me at long last. Life happens, and I don't want to constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop as far as something horrible happening and having to worry about him leaving me when I need him the most. Make sense?

I guess the reason I'm still here posting is that I'm an eternal optimist. I mean, we have our first hearing at the end of the month, and I asked the judge to have us go back to MC as well as a workshop that I know would be super helpful to my H given his wretched childhood, and I still kind of hope that the J says we have to do both of these things. I hope that during the Wrkshp, my H "comes to his senses" and breaks down crying and realizes that we can work through any obstacle in our path together becasue we still both love each other and both want to make it work! I mean, I want the few months of happiness we did have, early in this new marriage, back, and even better, because we know each other deeper and have more of a committment and know that we can work through whatever it is as long as we have each other, you know?

But realistically, I look at the fact that this is his 2nd marriage, my 1st, and he "pulled the plug" on ours so damn early, and that he frankly, doesn't see anything wrong with his anxiety, and instead blames me for it 100%, instead of dealing with his core issues which is a really bad childhood with a crazy, untreated mom. His trusted therapist supports him in this delusional thinking as do his few friends. It's so much easier to point the finger of blame anywhere but yourself. Trust me, I've done a ton in this rlsp that I regret and has contributed to problems, but he gave up, due to his issues with women accd to our MC and I fear that he's going to continue to run away from the truth forever because he's too scared to deal with it, and can rationalize it away.