I've been away too long and wanted to provide an update. I've also recently read some of the new threads (very interested in the exposure vs shame one).
I exposed the affair to her best friend a couple of weeks ago. I had already exposed it to a couple of my friends as well as my brother. My brothers wife had two A's several years ago and they have now reconciled. Sister in law required some counseling to help her understand her destructive behaviors. W best friend is also a good friend of mine and I asked for help from her. Her BF had lived through a cheating boyfriend and had finally moved on, kicked him out, etc... so I thought she might have some good ideas as well as some insight into her mind set - and a female point of views.
Laid out all the info I had, she agreed that everything was pointing to an affair, although she was not convinced it was a PA, more of a EA. She agreed that going on the pill was troublesome, but she told me that she did talk to W about that exact issue several weeks before. She went on the pill to control her period while we were on vacation. Didn't want to have to deal with that. I was able to follow up on the prescription and do know that it was not refilled after the first month. So a good sign there.
We had a situation last week where OM was going to be at the same open house we were attending. It was a good opportunity for me to observe their interactions, etc. I did see the occasional glance between them, but in general, nothing. I actually thought that OM was "pouting" the whole night because W kind of ignored him. I could see the "predator" mind set in him though - the pursuing, etc...
Last week, I went back and checked the phone records and could see that since I confronted W about the A - actually "exposed" the affair, no shame involved - the contact dropped, then virtually stopped. Digging deeper, it showed that OM intitated all the contact after that day. Even after the open house, OM texted W several times later that night. After that, nothing. There was also some occasional communication between them several weeks ago, but nothing recently. But can see the pursuing of the OM.
More talks with her BF has shown progress. She was able to share with me some things I did not fully understand about my W - things that a Best Girl Friend might know, but a clueless husband might not. Multiple things that now convince me that it was only a EA, not a PA. And that the A has stopped. In my case, the exposure, without the shame, worked for me. I didn't shame, didn't demand, didn't "over" expose. Just said I knew about her and OM, and that I wouldn't live with three people in my marriage. That was enough.
My "confidant" keeps reminding me to look for little things - baby steps. Damage has been done, but not enough to kill the M. It is worth saving. W has indicated a willingness to go to MC - a first. W has stopped the A. W and I went on a "date" last week to see a really bad movie - and laughed about how bad it was. W gave me a hug before I left work the other day. W smiled at me when I got home one day and seemed glad to see me. Lots of little things. But still more to work on.
In my case, exposure worked. But part of it seemed to be my understanding of what level would work on my W. I knew that "over" exposure would equate to shame for her. Our M was at a fragile point and shaming her may have pushed it too far. But it still needed to be exposed, and it was. Just enough to get her to think about what she was doing and that I knew. Limited exposure worked in my case to end the A.
Still haven't gone to MC. When we talked about it, we agreed that she would find the counselor, set up appointments, etc... Been a week and nothing yet, but she still needs some time. I'm impatient, but also know she needs the time to figure this out and not to push too hard. I continue to be the best dad I can be.
I keep looking for the little things and talking to her BF, my new confidant. Hopeful for the future.
A very important question: Did she agree to be transparent with you now? Without that in place, OM will keep pursuing, and the odds are VERY high (90%+) that the affair will re-ignite.
She should also change her cellphone #, and any other means that OM has to contact her.
The recidivism rate with these things is VERY high, and you're playing with fire if you don't enter into as bullet-proof as possible a transparency plan.
