New to this Community seeking advice

[healthydad]

Hey JR,

So much of what you're feeling/going through sounds right and healthy. I've been separated from my STBX since last October - and I still get thoughts passing through my head about what could have been...and I realize time and time again that those thoughts seem to be driven more by fear of what I have to face in the present than about my helplessness toward the past. There's a lot that has to be rebuilt when something so large and so important in our lives falls apart - and from what I've learned on this board, no matter the outcome of one's marriage - the process of self improvement and growth remains the same. We have to learn to love and forgive ourselves with the same compassion we hope to extend to others. It's a kind of openness that can take a long time to achieve - and I know that I'm still working on it every day. I have to - even though my marriage ended, I don't want to be the person that helped it reach that end. Even if there was nothing I could have done to rescue my marriage (and I believe there wasn't - since she had to follow her own journey wherever it takes her) there was more I could have done to be honest with myself and to find myself sooner. I'm getting there - but, my goodness, it has been painful - sometimes I still just sit in my chair and stare at the nothingness that consumed me - and all I can do is allow the tears to flow and realize that the sadness is just a necessary feeling on the path toward feeling whole again.

Which is all just to say, keep being kind to yourself. You've accomplished so much - don't gauge your growth by anyone's standards but your own - and the positive impact you have on the lives of your children.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Got to talk with the boys and briefly chat with the W. My calling schedule is doing well and the boys enjoy it. They really look forward to my calls. I also chatted briefly with the W. She is still guarded but hasn't spewed any venom during the last 3 phone calls. So that's a plus.

I just asked questions about school, family. She in turn asked about my folks. I made a small mistake and opened the conversation by saying "Hi Hon". I quickly corrected myself and rephrased it with "Hi W". I wonder if she noticed...

Well, still no D talk. Who knows what's going to happen next? My W was guarded but nice, so I take that as a victory. I did end the conversation first.

I'm following Michelle's guidance to try to reconnect a friendship. I'm now trying to initiate a couple of calls a week. Testing and observing...See what works, what doesn't.

Well, that's it for now.

JR09

[JR09]

Just got back from my IC. I've been going there for the past 19 months, ever since my W left. The counselor has been a great help all this time. I always give her updates on my latest phone calls with W, trips to see the boys. After I told her about my latest phone contacts with W, she said my W is hard to read.

Usually, she says the WAW either goes forward with the D or later gives signs of reconciliation. But my W doesn't fit either scenarios. She feels my W still has trust issues with me. My W doesn't say too much during the phone calls, but at least takes them. My IC counselor just told me to keep doing what I've been doing: show the kids that I care thru my calling schedule. The W surely notices it. She also probably notices my attitude change. Yet, she still seems to not trust me again...

Anyway, feedback from IC today.

JR09

[JR09]

I looked through old pictures of my W and I and our boys in their toddler days. That got me really emotional. Maybe I shouldn't put myself in that position again. Too hard to handle.
How much longer...

JR09

[JR09]

Doing much better today. Had a great GAL activity last night with church friends. After our evening activity, we all went to eat at a pancake place til midnight. I never got back home that late. It was good to just laugh and have an enjoyable time.

I keep thinking I'm close to being at my 2-year separation mark. 19 months is long. what strikes me is that I still don't have that definite feeling that it's time to move on. I just don't feel it. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that all will be well. Maybe I'm hiding behind false hopes. But truly and truly, I don't have that feeling that it's time for me to stop the wait and move on. I guess I'll know when it's time.

Anyway. Thoughts of the day...

JR09

[healthydad]

Hey JR,

Perhaps a perspective ship would help...

Two things occurred to me when reading your post - first, I thought that maybe you shouldn't see moving on as a way of throwing in the towel. Instead you might want to think of moving on as a way of saying - okay - perhaps this is how things will be, you have no way of knowing for sure - but you can be certain of the changes you have made in your life and the improvements you want to continue to make throughout your life. In other words, moving on need not mean giving up - it might just mean accepting yourself more - and accepting the situation more -however painful and impossible it seems - since I think accepting the possibility of having things be over (it makes me sad to write that, btw) also gives you the strength to accept the way things could be for you as an individual. Moving on does not mean giving up - moving on can mean finding new strength in yourself.

The second thing that occurred to me kind of relates to the first - and it's that we also have to remember that our partners in marriage came to our relationships with their own history, their own issues - and if we presented them with some difficult situations, it's probably because a relationship with us gave them a way to work through some of their own unfinished business. Sometimes we take on so much responsibility for the demise of our marriages - and the DB books kind of encourage that, I think, at least until things get clearer - that we lose sight of the fact that our partners might well have longer to go on their own journeys than we might expect. In my case, it became a matter of recognizing that it was detrimental to me to stay with my W as she found her way - since her way involved attacking me emotionally and making threats that could have ruined my life - I don't think that's the case with you - so I would suggest that you just remain open to the real possibility that your W still has to find her own way through a lot of change. You have changed in many ways over these last 19 months - it may be very difficult for her to know what to do with that new person she sees in you...and loving her might very well mean allowing her as much time as she needs to sort things out for herself - no matter what the outcome. And, oddly enough, we do a great kindness toward ourselves when we learn to love with detachment.

I hope that makes some sense...
-Carlos.

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

It has been a while since I last posted to you, but I have been following along.

I think Carlos's suggestion of a perspective shift is very helpful. I would add this: be patient with yourself as you try, it takes time. At least, it took me a long time to learn how to do this. Actually, I still work at it today.

For me, I get the most peace when I gently remind myself to shift my gaze back to myself (things are different for me now - I am divorced and no longer wish to be with my ex, but that does not mean I do not lose perspective on other things in my life) and focus on making the most of a moment that I am experiencing and that's it. I try not to think too far beyond the moment I am in. I am not always successful, but I try.

I guess what I am trying to say to you, albeit a bit circuitously - sorry for that - is just stay focused on what you need to do to be the best you can be in the moment, just as you have been doing for these past months. When you do that, you enjoy an evening out late with friends, as you described in your post.

Be present in your life, in each moment of your life and I think you will find that by being truly present in those moments, you'll have little time to think about how many months it has been or how long to wait. Just try to live and the rest will take care of itself. I know this sounds trite, at least it seems as though it does as I type it, but I am living what I tell you - not always and not perfectly, but often and it brings enormous peace and comfort. I think you deserve that.

Veronica.

[JR09]

Carlos, and Veronica,

So good to hear from both you. As always, I truly value the insight and the wisdom of your experiences. I just felt a bit down as I came across some family pictures of my W and kids a few years ago. This probably prompted all my recent litany on this board.

I am doing much better this morning. I do my best to focus on myself. I have to say the thought of my W and children is constant. I always have them on my mind. Maybe that's what preventing me from living in the moment all the time.

Someone on this board said "everyday is another chance to get it right". Well, I'll seize today to do my best once again on my journey.

THANKS again to you Carlos and Veronica.

JR

[MichelleLT]

You got great advice, so nothing new to add.

Just wanted to let you know I am reading along.

You are making small progress with talking to your W, it will take time to see the friendship and trust build. It took time to break the trust, it takes time to rebuild it (longer usually).

[healthydad]

Hi JR,

I know that there were times over this last couple years that I would pull out photographs too - and I usually did that when I was already feeling kind of down...and it just made the pain all that more intense. Sometimes it felt like I was just so sad already that I might as well take it a step further - and so I would look at the photos...and get seduced into the idea that all was well back then because we were smiling together or traveling together or sharing a moment over the holidays....and I just had to remind myself eventually that we don't pull out the cameras as often to take pictures of the darker moments - the moments that brought us to where we are...and so, the photos don't tell the whole story - rather they capture moments of the hopes and dreams we had - and sometimes the toughest part of this process is learning to let go of those hopes and dreams and allowing new ones to grow.

Which is not to say that everything from the past is gone - only that we can't move forward very well if anchored too much to the glimmering moments of a dark past...sometimes we just have to embrace those memories as memories and then put our attention on what's ahead - on making new memories that will be just as valuable.

Anyway...I just know what you mean...looking at pictures can be so haunting and confusing...I did it far too much when I was trying to look for answers and trying to understand how my W's smile could have morphed into my STBX's constant anger...but the answer was never in the photos...Recently she asked me for a bunch of photos I had stored on my computer - while burning them to disk I had a chance to look at them again - and I had the same pinch of confusion...but I also realized that I was a different person looking at these photos now - and that I was able to see the happiness then for what it was - but did not feel the same frightened impulse to cling to it...I don't know how it is for you - but just wanted to share with you that you're not alone in going through that kind of pain and sadness...and sometimes I think we do it when we're most ready to do it...since the tears that might come do in some ways cleanse us a bit.

Oh...btw...I got the idea of "wasted energy" from Coach...he pointed it out to me at a vital time that made a tremendous difference in my life.

-Carlos.