New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Carlos,

You are really a wise man. I sure value everything you say. I agree with your input. I just needed a sounding board and check if I was on the right path.

Thanks again, Carlos. I hope your recuperation time is going well. It must not be easy for you at this time. Hang in there and know that your body will heal.

Talk to you soon.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling.

I'm on the road traveling out of state on TDY. I'll have 4 extra days leave after my meetings. I called my W this evening while I was driving. I chit chated a bit, asked how the boys were doing. She told me one of them wasn't feeling good today. I got to talk with our youngest one. I talked with my W again and asked her if it was OK for me to drive up and link up with the boys. It would only be about 300 miles instead of 900 miles from CO. My W wasn't angry or anything. She said it wouldn't be a good idea.

I asked her why. She said it wouldn't be good to stop by on school days...would disrupt their school day routine...It got me asking myself in my mind "WHY???" I thought I wasn't asking for much. I even said I'd like to watch them during their after school practice activities etc...even for an hour. My W said she'd rather not have me drive up.

I admit I was boiling inside. But I stuck to DBing and just said "OK, if you change your mind, just call me, no problem I'll be in (city) til TUE". I ended the converstion by adding " Thanks Hon, Bye". I know I slipped with the "Hon" part. Just came out instictively. Oh, well. Just my usual way to address her when we were still together. I guess it wasn't too bad.

I think I kept it together even if I really didn't understand my W's negative response. I know by experience that my boys have a hard time after I see them. They turn very emotional, understandably so. I'd like to think that my W wouldn't ask me to NOT come because she wants to be mean. I just rationalized her reply by thinking that she doesn't want to see the boys all emotional because of my visit on a regular school day. Maybe she is the one who has a hard time watching the boys torn each time I say goodbye.

In any case, I did well this evening. I believe every phone conversation with my W is a test, and it's another opportunity for me to show the "new me" albeit over the phone...I wonder if my W notices that I don't argue over much anymore, maybe too accomodating. I always think that my W may be bracing for an argument/confrontation over the phone. But I never get drawn into it. Haven't done so for the past 6 months. I just rationalized but thinking that my W was testing me again tonight...wanted to see how consistent my changes were. Anyway, I'm speculating.

One thing for sure though: I know my changes are consistent and long-lasting. I did well tonight. Some may disagree, but I did well.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling.

I'm still on my TDY. A lot of the other officers brought their wives. I really miss my W today. It's strange how I can be surrounded by a good 100 people and still feel so alone. I kept praying throughout my meetings. My W is only 300 miles away from where I am. I asked her if I could come visit at least with the kids. She said she'd rather not have me drive up. I really want to go because I am still married, I am still a father.

But the other side of me says that it's OK for now. I respect my W's wishes and don't want to create tension. I don't know if it's the right answer. But I chose to respect my W's concern and not drive up there unless she says otherwise. Someone told me I've completely surrendered my rights to my W. She is fully in the driver's seat. I am just a passenger. He kept telling me that I should be aware of the fact that I can only take so much and that it's Ok to ask for a final assessment of what's going to happen next.

I told him I haven't reached that point yet when it's time to move on. Maybe I never will...Who knows...I keep DBing and pray that my changes are noticeable somehow. I'm sure my W is also doing some soul searching herself. How much longer...I try to stay strong. I really try. Today was just hard seeing all these couples together. Tomorrow will be better hopefully...

JR

[ClingingToHope]

I'm sure my W is also doing some soul searching herself. How much longer...I try to stay strong. I really try. Today was just hard seeing all these couples together.

It's tough when you are surrounded by a bunch of supposedly happy couples. One thing I've learned is that there are a lot of fakers in the married world. My W and I always put on a good front around others -- and then we'd have these awkward silences on the way home because neither of us was happy.

I hope your W is doing some soul searching. I'm not sure mine is. She's so wrapped up in her work and proving she can make it on her own I don't know if she has time.

One piece of advice others have given you is good. Leave her alone. That's hard isn't it. You just want to drive up there and make a grand speech and win her heart again.

The grand gesture was always my mistake. I used it several times early in the marriage when we were struggling and it just lost its effectiveness. Now, it works in reverse.

Question on divorce proceedings -- it can be just dismissed for inactivity? Was she really pushing for it and then stopped doing anything?

[JR09]

Clinging,

Thanks for the wisdom. To answer your question: the divorce that my W filed was dismissed 6 months later for inactivity. She never did anything about it, and I didn't either. So the judge dismissed it. Are you in the same predicament?

JR

[JR09]

Journaling.

Just got back from my TDY...10 hrs of driving. Tired. I did get to chat with my boys while driving home. They are doing good. I also left a voicemail for my W, but she didn't call back. It seems like she is not willing to talk for the past week. Maybe this is that hot/cold back and forth dance that is mentioned in this forum. I believe it is part of that ambivalence that she may be going through.

I am just assuming a lot here, but I couldn't help but try to analyze what's going on...I'm probably wrong anyways...Well, no idea what's going on. I tried my best to refocus on driving safely and remember the good conversation with my boys tonight. I really had to mentally force myself to not assume and speculate on why my W didn't want to talk. Took me a while, but I managed to do it.

During my TDY, I got to talk with a couple where the husband experienced the same symptoms as I did. His W was close to leaving but didn't. I asked her what her feelings were during their time of turmoil. I guess I was trying to get a better grip on my W's state of mind. I also talked with this W whose husband doesn't want to seek help even if he's going through the same stuff I went through. I asked this W what she's doing about it. I told her about my DBing techniques. I hope it will help a bit.

Patience and more patience...

JR

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

Just a quick post to tell you that I think you are doing really well. In this last post of yours you addressed each one of your own concerns in a healthy way. I wanted to point that out to you, just in case you did not notice it.

Save that post...it is evidence of a person doing what he needs to do to be healthy and whole.

V.

[JR09]

Kinda bummed out today. I slept a lot. Just didn't want to do anything. I thought of my W and kids a lot, and it got me down. The realization that I ve been alone for 15 months may have hit me hard today. I didn't do anything at all. I bought some comfort food to splurge a little. Didn't even go work out.

I'll go to my neighbor family friends so I am not alone this evening. My only GAL activity today. I guess I'm feeling down because I was really counting on linking up with my boys after my TDY. But my W said "it wasn't a good idea". So I respected her wish and just drove home instead. I think I would have aggravated the situation more had I just decided to drive up to my W's parents' home where my W and kids live. But I didn't. Took a lot of self-talk and restraint to do so.

Anyway. I'll snap out of this, I'm sure. It's OK to be really bummed for a day after 8 intense months of DBing...

JR

[VeronicaV]

JR,

Yes, it is okay to have a down day...it is normal. I still have them, I am sure most of the people here still have them.

I am glad to hear that you have plans to be with friends this evening and that you will be getting out of the house a bit.

Take good care of yourself, JR.

V.

[JR09]

I've been wondering if my WAW still thinks of me even if she's left 15 months ago. This question has been haunting me all day today. I call to check in with the boys even if she doesn't want to talk. But that's OK. I've been reading on the forum that the WAS thinks of the LBS more than one thinks. Is that true?

JR