Our court date got postponed til the 21st of May. We're still in the same house. I've asked him numerous times to leave, he refuses. When I start to pack & leave, my kids get upset & begin to cry. I am close to taking all 4 kids & moving into an apt just to get away from him.
My attorney got diagnosed with cancer & has been out of the office for 3 weeks. My back-up attorney has been in trial for 2 weeks and I've only exchanged e-mails with the paralegal to try to move up our court date.
I put a lock on my bedroom door on the 16th, & set H's stuff stacked nicely in the hallway & 2nd bathroom. H hasn't stepped into the master bedroom in weeks.
Last night I had my parents over for dinner, & while we were sitting in the front room, H went upstairs. I waited 5 minutes, then followed him up. I caught him flipping through my planner/journal that is on my dresser, & starting to open my drawers. He tried to deny it, & the fight was on.
I told him to stay out of my stuff (part of our court documents says that he has to refrain from spying on me, looking through my e-mails, phone records, private documents, & private space). He starts saying loudly (so our kids can hear) that I have boyfriends & all that B.S.
Then he comes back downstairs (we have 3 other TV's in the house) & starts watching Survivor with me & my parents !!!! I ask him to leave the room, he refuses saying he just wants to watch the show.
He has stopped paying the bills. I open them & find they're 2-3 months past due. He's living just like he always did. He goes off to "work" where he isn't getting paid, he comes back 10 hours later, eats the leftovers from our dinner, & then sits in his recliner until 11 pm when he moves to his air mattress to sleep.
Guys.......I need your ideas & support. Please. It sucks to share a home with someone who was abusive all those years.
I do see & appreciate that I'm getting so much stronger through all of this. I guess facing your abuser every night does build strength and character.
Thanks for all the help I've always received here. Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Oof, Cookie... That is a HARSH existence. I'm so, so sorry.
My spiritual side feels that being in his presence is simply unhealthy for you and the kids. Is there anyone you and the kids can stay with until the gavel hits? Can you afford an apartment?
I'd skeedaddle and create a sanctuary of peace and safety for myself and my kids, for sure. Money/property is so much less important than protecting yourselves and your sanity.
I haven't followed all of your ins and outs, and this is just my hunch based on your one post above. I hope my perspective is helpful to you.
I wasn't even going to sign on tonight until I saw your post. I feel very strongly about this if you want my opinion. I believe you MUST move out.
Quote:
When I start to pack & leave, my kids get upset & begin to cry.
Didn't they get upset and cry when you took them to the dentist, the doctor, first day of school? But you did it because it was in their best interest.
Can you move to your parents for awhile? A friend's? I see you have an 18 year - she/he should be able to help with the move and also help keep the younger ones calm.
Apparently the locked bedroom door didn't do it. You must take the next step. He thinks he now has til May 21. Show him otherwise.
Good luck and let us know soon.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
SC - As I am unsure of your laws i will assume that on 21st of May , he will have to move out ? If this is the case , dont leave your kids and move, if you cant take them with you, then stick out the 3 weeks.
horrible I know but there are woman who do live with worse. Try to make your existance as peaceful as possible. Who cares if he eats your leftovers, let him sleep on the mattress, keep your door locked at all times, DO NOT buy into his arguments, rants ,abuse. Put your ipod on or turn the volume up on tv.
If 3 weeks does not mean the end of the co habitating then you leave but please take your kids. See if you can find a house sit situation if you cant afford an apartement or move in with family until your sorted.
In my country we dont have to live with any of this. If H was abuser or infidelity occured or whatever , then he has to leave immediately. Court system here still tends to believe that if the mother is primary care giver then the house is hers.
Good luck and I know how horrible it must be for you and kids. Hang in there. The relief will be amazing when it is all over.
I honestly did not come here tonight to stir things up.
From day 1 I have "seen" the pain in your posts. I "see" you reaching out for help to be more clear.
I have watched you walk thru a lot of.. well just crap.
I have watched you post some great things.
I have "seen" you grow.
At this point.. in my mind.. I am just unclear about how you will continue to grow.
The question that pops up in my mind.. is how can you expect "him" to act any different?
The path he has walked.. with you.. has been "here" many times.
I mean how many times have you been "here" in your life?
My walk "here" has shown me that "YOU" have to make a choice. "YOU" can't fake it.. or purpose the idea. "YOU" have to be ready to "Do Work" whatever that means to "YOU".
"When I start to pack & leave, my kids get upset & begin to cry. I am close to taking all 4 kids & moving into an apt just to get away from him."
There is always something.. that holds us back.
To me.. I question.. what "holds" us there.
Why does this matter to you?
Who.. besides you.. cares if the kids are crying? What happens if you follow thru on what you want? Can your choice.. make a better life for them? That might be the question here.
"I put a lock on my bedroom door on the 16th, & set H's stuff stacked nicely in the hallway & 2nd bathroom. H hasn't stepped into the master bedroom in weeks."
I put all my wife's stuff in a (2) suitcase and threw them in the backyard. I expect he is reacting exactly the way my wife did.
"Last night I had my parents over for dinner, & while we were sitting in the front room, H went upstairs."
Imagine that. Yes that applies to everything after that.
Cookie.. you are way smarter than this.
Cookie.. you can do better than this.
Cookie.. Think about what you are doing/how you are acting in all this.
I understand that you feel like I am "fighting" you.
That is not what I am about. If you look around you will "see" I follow the people with "heart". And I will do it too a fault.
You have EVERYTHING you need to change the situation you find yourself in. You just don't "see" it yet.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
It sounds as if he is sure that the reason you are divorcing him is because he believes you have found another man to share your life with and you want him (your h) to be out of your life ASAP so you can enjoy this 'new man' that you 'have'.
If I put myself in his shoes with that assumption in my head, then his behaviour makes sense.
Does he still love you?
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Your kids are crying because they still believe things can be fixed, they don't want to give up hope. You are past that and have made your decision. This situation is not healthy for you or your kids and I think they would be much better off not being confronted with this day in day out. The sooner, the better.
Hi there, I've been away sorting out my own demons. I'm back and better than ever.
Sorry things are getting so tough! When I lived in that stitch myself I toughed it out when I could and as much as I could I got away for short periods of time. I didn't have anywhere to go-no family - limited funds. My kids resented the idea of someone running us out of our home so it was harder for me to get them to go. But we did stick together as much as possible to support one another and at its worst - my son would take me out. My d could stay with friends. Only you can decide what you can handle. Obviously it would be nice to get out. I also wonder if you have a RSO? The police advised me that I could get one and then when things were uncomfortable at home I could call them and they would take my exh out for awhile to give me a break and to help him cool down. Do whatever you need to do! THis is not a contest... you do not have to live this way... I used to ask myself if my D were in this sitch what would I tell her to do? Then I did it for me. Keep us informed.
