What Puppy says ... particularly, where the visitation of the children are concerned. He shouldn't be visiting them at her home. There shouldn't be all that cozy family type thing happening there, but at your house.
I don't know how all that's going to happen, but watch out for that, I think.
Good luck --- hope things work out.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Pup- thanks, you know I always love hearing your advice and strange enough getting your approval - and I don't even know you. I bought a book on boundaries that I've been trying to learn about b/c I think I struggle with that a lot but strong boundaries is absolutely needed here. I need to find a good way of setting strong boundaries but not coming off like I'm trying to control him b/c I know he will resist and make it stronger. But then I just love what my book says that boundaries is not about controlling the other person its about controlling you and setting your limits. So it's all work in progress.
Being- I am 100% with you and that's something H and I have been talking about. The difficulty is that even we don't know how to figure it out b/c I know for sure I don't want them all cozy like a family but I know he will need to bond with the new baby, and ow is set on not having them come to our house. He's been fighting with her about that for several days. She absolutely doesn't want them to have anything to do with me. I know its a tactic but that's the one she's using and frankly it is in her control in a way. I've told H no that the kids are 50% his as well, but he said he just doesn't want to fight with her about it. He's been taking them to his mother's place, so I figured I guess that's a good middle ground since she doesn't mind them being there. But that really shouldn't be the case. I know what ow would just love is for him to be there with them all cozy as a family. To be honest, sometimes when I even think of all these details in my sitch I even get overwhelmed. It's so much to figure out and so complicated. H is extremely overwhelmed himself with a situation he has created so my sympathy only goes so far. He's mentioned can't he just run away, but I said no - you know you can't do that your conscious won't let you. Anyway, so the visitation thing is definitely something we're trying to figure out and we have to put a plan in place pronto b/c it will only get harder once this baby comes along. To be honest, I was thinking that one of my tactics is really to be very supportive of H having a relationship with his kids (this is a 180 for me - I was in denial before), which is something he needs and then have her act a fool.
Hey, I had an insight this morning that I wanted to share, you know how psychologist say that we find partners who are like are parents and we create situations in our lives to correct childhood mistakes and hurt. So I was thinking about H's parents... H's father is very quiet and passive and his mother is definitely the controller and head of the household. His father three children prior to marrying his mother. But his father didn't maintain a relationship with the children. H's half brother died when h was young and h remembers seeing his father crying all alone. He woudl always bring up this incident. He would say that I don't care about his son and if anything happens to him he is the only one that will feel hurt. So h and his mother don't have a great relationship and in many ways, I think he blames his mother and thinks she prevented the father from having a relationship with his kids. I think no I know my h was out to prove a point that I'm not going to control him like his mother controlled his father and that I'm not going to determine whether he has a r with his son or not. All of h's actions says this. Isn't it all facinating the psychology of al these things. Anyway, with that insight, my plan is to prove to H that I don't want to be like his mother, which I must say when I founght against him being with son he resisted even more. So hopefully this insight will do me some good. And I know I have to do like what Michele says and use it with action oriented solutions.
Newmama- I never did get back to you about where we are with having a baby. Well, my life is certainly full of its share of surprises. So a few days prior on the same weekend that I found out H was having another child, my ivf doctor called to say that to my surprise both h and I have sickle cell trait, I never knew I had it in my family, so this was a new obstacle that just came up and to say the least I didn't take it too well either. I cried and cried and cried, and then found out wow h is even having another child. I gotta say I really questioned God's goodness for a while there. So it seems that we will need to do some additional testing to try to prevent havign a child with sickle cell and the test is $4000 and insurance doesn't cover. Another big disappointment. So our plans were derailed. But the bottom line is that we are still going to go forward with trying to have a child. Frankly it is strongly one of my needs no matter who I'm with, and H wants a family as well. So right now we're working on the financing to move forward. H is back home so who knows if this thing between us works out, I won't have to worry about being a single mom, but if that is the case I still think I will be ok, b/c I need children of my own. I refuse to be one of those old women without any children to care for her, it's just sad to me. I have an elderly tenant who has no husband no kids and lives alone with no one really visiting her, just the tv to mainly keep her company. She looks forward to my visits. I refuse to have that be my future. Anyway, will see how it all goes.
OMG I can't stop singing praises about Retrouville. My H and I just completed the Retrouville weekend and I have to tell everyone how much I highly recommend it. Such a great way to reconnect and work on your problems. I went in unclear of what it was going to be like but I came out still nervous about my sitch but hopeful. It was really great that my H fully paticipated as well. I was a bit worried about how he would be but he was really encouraging. We will be doing the followup sessions and I'm praying that it continues to help us.
Please let me know if anyone has any questions about the program, I would love to answer them.
I am so pleased for you, Vicky! I have always wondered about the progam, but we don't have one very close by.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Its been a long long time but you all are always in my thoughts. Gosh you guys have all been there for me over the months that how could I ever forget any of you. I wish you all the best - peace of mind, love, and happiness for 2010!!!
Just a quick update... things with h and I are going so/so. We're definitely spending a lot of time together and enjoying each other's company but we sure have had our share of disagreements over this sitch over the past couple of weeks. But I am working to not make arguments a regular thing in our home since my goal is really to have peace in my home. I want my home to be a placed of peace and refuge no matter what. So ow had child #2, omg I can't believe I'm writing this after all these years. It's definitely a complicated situation since kids are involved. For me emotionally, one would think that I would be devastated, but I'm really not that much. I already know H had moved out and lived with her and that was kind of harder. But moreso, I feel really sad for ow these days. She is so young to be left to care for 3 children with little going for herself. I actually feel really sad that she's made these choices for her life. H of course is still in contact, but the contact with her is much different. Much more limited than before but I can't say I'm confident on how things will go b/c H does have history of ping ponging, so you never know. For now, I'm just trying to live, enjoy each other, and not give him reasons to run. If he wants to then that's on him. Not to say we don't argue and I don't stand up for myself, that won't be me, but I at least am trying to have a decent relationship. But its hard.
We did Retrouville and have been running into trouble with continuing the program. I think H is not putting the time in to doing the work that the program requires and its driving me insane. So that has even been a source of arguments for us.
But for the most part, things are good. But we're still struggling, which is expected. I'm still struggling with not being paranoid and to trying to trust him and he's not being as open as he needs to me. It appears from all evidence that he's hasn't been visiting ow and the kids on a regular like before - he does stop by to see the baby and son, but sometimes when he's out with friends I just want him to check in more but I also don't want to be too mothering so its bit hard at times. He would call at times adn then not but although he would fill me in on his whereabouts when I ask, I wish he would proactively do it. Anyway, I know these would have been an issue with us even without the ow thing to deal with.
But otherwise, I am ok. Excited about 2010!! Still have plans to make some babies this year, will see how that goes. But all in all, I'm trying to focus on Vicky enjoying life in 2010.
Hi Vickyd.... So very nice to see you back. Your thread was one of the first ones I ever read. I just never felt I was in a position to post on your thread.
Well I am there now so I really wanted to just say Hello!
I wish you the best in your future.
I can see how H does not want to put the effort in. That is one of those stupid male brain turn on turn off things.
Its like when we go cloths shopping in the mall. Were good for the first few years... then its just 15 minutes.
How are you going about doing the program. I will say I am sorry as I am not in retrouville. I am currently heading towards D. But I will offer advice anyways. I feel I have life experience.
If you could explain perhaps a rookie could offer some advice. Always remember my cup is empty. So I am not set in my ways.
Anyways.
Take Care
And it is always good to read your updates....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I bought a book on boundaries that I've been trying to learn about b/c I think I struggle with that a lot but strong boundaries is absolutely needed here. I need to find a good way of setting strong boundaries but not coming off like I'm trying to control him b/c I know he will resist and make it stronger. But then I just love what my book says that boundaries is not about controlling the other person its about controlling you and setting your limits. So it's all work in progress.