It is frustrating to read your posts, because you seem to be leaving your fate up to your H. And then you ask US what to do, without giving us much of an indication of what you want your goal to be.
We can't dictate your desires or your actions. I know that you understand this.
All you can do is be truthful with your H and tell him that you are trying to process everything, and that you are sorry for your part in this. And then hole up and think more about what YOU want, with or without him.
I would also advise to stop talking so much with your H about this situation, because you don't have much to discuss until you have your goals set. If you are pushing him to make your decision for you, you will likely drive him out the door. Therefore, your best "look" right now would be to be kind and pleasant and fun to be with.
Don't push anything until you know which way you want to push.
I've told him that i still dont know what i want or really what Im doing.... and he doesnt buy it.. he thinks either you want this or you dont..
So, yes, in theory all i can do is work on myself.. which i am... and he will have to chose whether its worth it for him to try or not..as will I..
Sorry to be such a frustration.. this is just a very confusing time for me..:)
It would be ALOT easier if I knew right off what i wanted.. but if that were the case.. i wouldnt be in this situation to begin with..
I did tell him yesterday that all i want is for someone to love me for me.. and really want me for me.. not for what i do for them.....that is about as far as I have gotten in being able to determine "what I want" ...
We all want to be wanted and chosen for who we are. So does your H. The problem for your H is that YOU AREN'T CHOOSING HIM. He's on hold, reserved for you, but you're not sure. Yuck. My guess is that he immediately went into self-protection mode and simply mirrored your indifference so that he wouldn't have to be the fool in this situation.
If you have a problem with HOW your H loved you, then there is something that you can review, hash out, examine, analyze, and resolve. Perhaps his love language has more to do with Acts of Service, so that is what he appreciates as love from you, but your love language might be different, making it hard for you to understand why he loves the way he does. Certainly, not being loved in the way you need to be loved by your H will build deep resentment. This item could be a major piece of the puzzle.
Do something nice for you and the kids today. Something that might inspire JOY!
Look - you will need to look deep within and decide what you want, and then go for it. If you don't want to be married to him, you need to come to grips with that. I can totally understand that you would want to fight for the marriage if you felt more effort coming from him before the bomb and after, and you feel that you would want him more as a man if he hadn't exhibited some of the behaviors in the past that let you down. Yes, we understand that. But ... you have to go from the information you have now.
Do you think he CAN change if he tries?
If he DID change, would you be able to fall in love with him again?
These two questions are loaded for sure, but they are the questions you need to evaluate in order to decide if you want to keep trying or not.
I can tell you that if you just let him drift away with the notion that the marriage "isn't worth saving", then one day you will feel like you should have tried harder. But that's only if you just let him drift away.
On the other hand, if you make an empowering decision, like "I will fight for this marriage" or "I want to be divorced from him and I will not fight for this", then you will not be sorry in the long run.
But if your H is determined that this isn't worth fighting for, then maybe you don't have a choice in the matter anymore anyway.
Whatever you do, however, please try to snap out of your fog and stop waiting for someone else to choose what you want. YOU have to decide...take a little bit more time to be free of your chat room and cleanse yourself from that addiciton...but then you need to reach within and find out what you really want and make a decision.
I know im indecisive..my god.. if i knew what i wanted..i wouldnt be in this predicatment.. this would all be easy..
Im afraid.
1. Afraid that this is some phase im going through and that i will regret anything i decide now.. 2. Im afraid that I really do want a divorce but want to work on it b/c I feel its the "right thing" to do.. 3. afraid that niether of us will ever be different.. even if we try .. i think it will be buried in the backs of our minds what we think that the other person thinks of us.. 4. I dont see him being able to change in the way I need from him.. which may be too much to ask.. 5. Im afraid he will try to change and It wont be enough for me.. 6. Im afraid this is all my problem..that i need to just "get right".. 7. Im afraid the problem is mine alone.
People think its just the LBS that has fears....The people going through this (MLC or whatever) are riddled w/ the fear that they are not doing the right thing.. or that they are being selfish....or at least I am.
I see my posts are a source of frustration..i try to work through my thoughts, but maybe wont post anymore until i have a coherent one.. sorry..
Don't worry about us being frustrated, that doesn't matter. Keep posting as it will help you sort through your feelings.
Can you see though that your indecision is the biggest part of the problem here? Maybe look into that itself...has decision always been a problem for you?
Yes... I have always worried worried worried about making the wrong decision..ALWAYs.. I am petrified of this one...
My biggest problem right now, is the lack of feelings I have for him...how do I commit to working it out.. when I am so indifferent to him at this point...?
So many years went by w/ little or no emotions..I just cant seem to muster enough to make a confident decision..
And I am petrified of making this one.. it would almost be easier if he would decide..I know that is cowardly.. I know..!!! GOD!
He has said that he doesnt feel he needs to change and he doesnt see me changing to be happier w/ him...He said he likes who he is and doesnt see a need to be different..which i dont blame him..GOD!
Then you need to discuss your inability to make decisions in counseling. There will be some root cause to this that will help you figure things out, when you get to the bottom of the root cause.
